Weeping Moon: Sirius
by Lex Alexandrov
Summary: Starting with the transformation in Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban follow Remus and Sirius's relationship as it grows through their teenage years up to this point and beyond.
1. Chapter 1

This is a thing I'm doing with my friend - Andraste Straton - who is doing it from the view of Remus Lupin... nothing too graphic... or at all for the moment tbh... review if you wanna :D

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I stood on the hill, the wind blowing gently through my dark hair as I stared out across the dense forest below us. I could see a clearing in the clouds. The moon would be coming through any minute. I prayed. I prayed as hard as I could that Remus had remembered to take his potion. Not for the brat and his stinky little friends behind me – That child still stood a symbol of everything I'd regretted, everything I'd wished not to be – But for Remus. It hurt me to watch; to hear his screams of pain. I wished for his happiness and his happiness only.

Moonlight fell through the clearing. His face said it all. The terror in his eyes chilled me. My hopes washed away in a flood of tears. I didn't want to watch. I didn't want to see Peter's foul smirk. But I had to do something. The only thing stopping me was my rage – my mind couldn't cope in these sorts of situations and any emotion would turn into pure anger. I guess that's all I had to work with. I charged towards him.

"Remus! Remus, look at me!" I called, grabbing his thrashing head.

He snarled and breathed a wind of fishy wolf breath at my face. I swallowed, trying to stop myself gagging.

"Remus, listen to me for God's sake! You don't belong in that body! Control yourself, man!"

I pressed my head against his chest and wrapped my arms around his waist, trying to control my anger. His clothes still smelt of the sweet caring man I'd come to love, even if the man inside didn't. I didn't know what else to do. Looking up, his eyes were still the beautiful blue that they always had been, even more wonderful now as the moonlight danced off them. Why did it have to be _him_ that was different?

I closed my eyes and whispered "I love you" as I took the first blow of the night.

I re-awoke a few minutes later, entangled in branches. My face was scratched and bleeding. Not enough to bother me – I was just annoyed that he'd do that. His snarl echoed through the trees to where I'd landed. If I didn't do anything soon, Harry and his followers would be torn apart. I sighed to myself.

"This is for Remus' future. Don't think I've forgiven you, Lily."

Morphing into a dog, I ran back up the slope. Severus was there.

"Could this get any worse?" I thought to myself.

I leapt at Remus, biting and jabbing him – drawing him away from the man that was threatening his sweet life. Eventually he noticed me and I lead him away from the school. I'd planned to let him chase me until sunrise when he would collapse into a tired heap of naked man, but he caught me in an iron grasp and flung me about like a rag doll. I winced as he scratched at my flesh - He'd lost every ounce of himself to the beast inside. I thought he was going to kill me. Then he stopped. Something had attracted him away from me and I heard him scamper into the distance.

I lay in the bracken for what seemed like hours to my battered body. I slowly picked myself up and stumbled back down the slope to the water's edge. I collapsed – barely conscious. I hurt like hell, but at least I knew I was still alive. The stones around me rattled and the panting 13 year old boy ran towards my shattered body. He really seemed to care. Just like James... James.

A cold wind swept my dirty hair across my face. I couldn't see much or hear much any longer, slipping in and out of consciousness. But the air around me stabbed at my skin with freezing needles. A sudden bolt of realisation struck me. They were here. They had found me. Here to destroy my very being - The Dementors.

I heard a voice, coaxing me back to consciousness.

"Siri." It called.

It was only faint in my ear, but I recognised it. How couldn't I when it was all I had longed to hear for 12 long, painful years? I struggled to grasp it, to latch on to the point at which dream became reality.

"Sirius, you _are _pulling through this!" He dictated.

I chuckled to myself, climbing out of my dream state. "Remi, why can't you always be this forceful?"

He leapt back in a state of shock, reddening at the cheeks. That cute, childlike disposition was one of the things I loved most about him. I raised my head and pecked his tender lips.

"When did you last wash yourself?" Remus remarked.

I stank. But, I was hoping that he wouldn't notice.

"Did it skip your notice that Azkaban wasn't a 5 star hotel? Besides, you don't look too hot yourself." I laughed.

He grinned. "When have I _ever_ looked 'hot'?"

I shook my head and leaned inwards, my mind racing with crude and inappropriate things to say in reply. I settled with a simple "Seriously?" and leant my head against his chest to listen to his pounding heart.


	2. Chapter 2

**The second chapter of Weeping Moon that I'm doing with Andraste Straton - this may be a bit confusing because every other chapter it is flipping between the now and the memories - But I'll make sure I write what it is in it. Review if you wanna ;)**

**The scene at the window now has a picture to go with it (it's not amazing, but I enjoyed making it :P) - the link's on my profile**

**This is a memory :D**

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I sat on the ledge of the alcove window, staring into my knees. Sunlight glittered through the glass and onto my moist tear-drenched face. The bell calling second period rang. No one had even noticed I was gone. I bit my lip and squeezed my right leg closer towards me, attempting to hold back the tears and ultimately failing. Why did I have to be like this? Why did I have to have feelings for him? Why wouldn't he just open his eyes and smell the roses he'd been standing in front of for quite some while now? I shuddered. If anybody found me like this, they'd think I was pathetic. They'd think I wasn't worth being alive. And worse of all, if they'd found out this was all over a _man_ I wouldn't be able to leave my room for the rest of my life.

Time ticked slowly by. I'd spent the whole of Potions in this spot, weeping to myself – another hour or so wouldn't kill me. I glanced at my watch through watery eyes. It would be 15 minutes into Defence against the Dark Arts. I couldn't go now. Not in this state; not at this time. I breathed a deep breath and raked through that horrible conversation over and over and over in my mind. I didn't see the point in trying to hold the tears back anymore – no prince in shining armour was going to come and save me from my grief. I was the rough one; the one that could handle whatever the world threw at him; the one that no one wanted; the one that no one had ever loved and probably ever would.

The door to the Gryffindor common room burst open. I instantaneously looked up. Remus stood in the doorway, panting, sweat beads dribbling down his pale skin. He leant against the door post and breathed a breath of relief.

"Why..." he wheezed "Why did you hide here all this time? I... I was so worried. I looked everywhere for you."

I stared at him blankly, the tears still rolling down my cheeks. I was glad someone had noticed, so glad. But I'd wanted it to be_ him_, to be James.

"Why are you here?" I yelled "Why did you come? I never asked you to!"

He paced towards the window and sat next to me.

"Go away! Don't look at me!" I continued.

He just giggled and smiled at me. "Something's wrong – I want to help."

I stared out of the window at the early September around me. "You're missing Defence against the Dark Arts."

"I know. I wanted to come." He paused "This is about Lily and James, isn't it?"

I closed my eyes and mumbled "H-how...?"

He looked to his feet, his smile fading. "You'd have to be an idiot not to notice."

"Is it seriously that noticeable?" I squealed.

He grinned bearing his pearly white teeth and made an awful pun about my name. I head butted him lightly like we would always do, but didn't draw back. His eyes shone their radiant blue and smiled into mine. They drew me in like a new gravity. I wanted to see all of them, every crater on their moon like surface. I leaned forward, his hair glowing golden in the sunlight.

"It really doesn't matter what you are." I mumbled partially to myself, partially to him.

He closed his eyes and kissed me. It was warmer, sweeter than I could have ever imagined. I knew that I loved James more than he would ever know, but Mooney's soft trembling lips were addictive. I wanted more of them. I wanted to know my way around them like I knew the back of my hand. What's more, for long enough to notice, I forgot about my "perfect" James.

Without warning, he froze and pulled back, like something had struck him right in the head. Tears welled up in his eyes. I felt terrible that I would make him feel that way; that I could be left broken hearted twice in one day. He raised himself up and began to leave. Without thinking, I grabbed his wrist. His expression was unsettled. I wanted to call him and say that I was sorry, but the words got caught in my throat. He yanked his arm away and stormed out. I was left alone again.

I pondered over what I should do for a while. I hurt. I didn't want to leave it at that. If he'd gone anywhere it would have been the Shrieking Shack – That was my best bet.

From the inside of the house, I could hear his quiet sobs. The floorboards groaned under my weight as I walked towards where he lay huddled, beside himself with fits of tears.

"Mooney... Mooney, I'm sorry – Sorry that I let that happen; sorry that I didn't notice earlier. But if it's any consolation, I don't regret the kiss; I just figured that if I were to be with you now, I'd feel you were some kind of rebound of how I feel about James. You mean too much for that." I waited, but he said nothing in reply. I sighed "I'll be going now then."

A loud bellow of "No!" shook the house.

"Sirius Black, don't even think about leaving! I watched you for over 4 years, knowing that there could be something beautiful between us. But no, you wanted the "oh so prefect James". Too damned perfect to even think about being like you, like me. And I'm always there for you and yet whenever Wonder Boy even bats an eyelash, you're right there beside him. I'm not a toy that you can just play with, Sirius. I'm different in your eyes because I'm not a perfect pure blood, I'm not human. You can take your family's backwards beliefs and shove them up your pompous arse!"

After crudely muttering "Well I have something I'd like to shove up your arse too...", I continued being serious. "Remus, you are human, just like me, just like James, just like everyone else in this school. You're perfect just the way you are. I'm the one who isn't."

He laughed sarcastically. "You have every girl in school after you with your high grades, good looks, strong personality and you're trying to tell me you're not perfect?"

"Yeah, girls, and we both know that it's not girls that I'm after." I grinned.


	3. Chapter 3

**Back in the "present" again... enjoy... Review if you wanna, I'd be glad to hear what you have to say ^ ^**

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The room was dark, only slightly illuminated by the moonlight reflecting off the walls. I thought of Remus – he'd have probably become his werewolf form again.

He'd reluctantly left my side shortly before the Ministry of Magic had found me. I worried for his wellbeing – With Pettigrew gone, if he'd stayed with me he surely would be taken for being an "accessory to the attempted murder of Harry Potter". The last I'd seen of him, and feared I ever would, was his sweet, sullen face peering out from behind an old oak that he was desperately clinging to, as if his life depended on it. I'd wanted to run and embrace him before the Dementors stole my final kiss, but was reduced to only letting a sympathetic smile pass through my lips.

I shivered from the thought of it. Soon I would be leaving his world and I hadn't even given him a proper goodbye. I crossed my hands over and locked them together as I closed my eyes, imagining that the hand I was holding was not my own, but that of the most precious man in the world. I could see his every beauty; his every stunning imperfection that had been burned into my mind so many times before. I wanted to stretch an arm out and fell all the contours of his face, like reading the map of the town where I grew up. I'd be satisfied, even in death, if I could just spend these last minutes with him. Just for now.

A tap at the glass stirred me from my thoughts. I looked up to see Harry and his friend, Hermione, sat on the back of a Hippogriff. I rushed to the window to retrieve my one way ticket to freedom, only to find it locked. The girl drew her wand, chanted "_Alohomora_!" and let the window spring open in front of me. I quickly scrambled onto the ledge, wind blowing me somewhat unsteady. I stared downwards and calculated my next moves, the drop below me being at least 60 feet. After a short while, I stretched out a leg and clambered on to the Hippogriff, setting it off to soar above the school.

Within minutes, we landed on the battlements with a clank. Harry and Hermione slid off, leaving me clinging to the beast.

"Sirius, go now! They'll find out you're gone soon." Harry said, catching his breath.

I grinned "How can I ever repay you?"

He became irritated and frantic so I began to question him further until he shouted at me.

"Brat..." I muttered to myself and then glanced down to him once more. "You really are like your father."

I set off on the Hippogriff, the school getting smaller and smaller the higher we flew. Each window of the building twinkled and drifted past like fireflies. The wind rushed through my hair, sweeping it from my face to fiercely whip the back of my head. I let the beauty consume my mind. Yet I dared not look back at the boy; at the past I could not change. I took in a deep breath. I was still myself, which for me, was as good as a free.

At sunrise, when the commotion had settled, I returned to the school and quietly made my way to the window where, if I remembered correctly, Defence against the Dark Arts (and therefore Remus) would be. The early morning sun painted the room a delightful orange and made the plain brown floors and desks dance with colour. Remus sat in the corner, his head clasped in his hands, deep in thought. I was sure he'd heard I was safe, but I wanted him to see it for himself; I wanted to see his beautiful blue eyes smile at me and know it without a doubt. I carefully peeled open the window and sprawled myself over the ledge, resting my head in my arms and letting my legs dangle outside the building.

"But soft! What light through yonder window breaks?

It is the East, and Juliet is the sun!

Arise, fair sun, and kill the envious moon

Who is already sick and pale with grief

That thou her maid art far more fair that she." I recited through the open window.

Remus sprang to his feet and scrambled to where I was, his face beaming. I pulled myself through the frame and stood before my prince.

"You're a fool." He chuckled.

"And you're the idiot who fell in love with the fool."

I reached my hand out and caressed his cheek, feeling all the of his near-fresh scars. He winced slightly, but didn't ask me to stop. Resting his hand on top of mine, he showed the gentle smile that I so wished to see.

"Yes... yes I am."

I leaned in and kissed his tender, parted lips. I didn't want to go; to leave this moment; to separate from his bittersweet embrace. With every touch of our lips, I fell more madly in love with this quiet soul, that I had been so afraid of forgetting. His silky hair glided through my fingers effortlessly, like they were forever meant to fit as two parts of the same charm; the perfectly contrasting day and night of our eyes working in unison. I knew this was how it was meant to be.


	4. Chapter 4

**This is back in the past :D**

**And I'm really sorry all you Snape fans, but I have to be horrible to him :'( I love hime too**

**And all you people that have been reading from the start, I've finished the picture for the 2nd chapter so if you wanna go to my profile, there's a link :P**

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It was early summer. The trees were decorated with a layer fine, bright green leafs that rustled in gentle breeze and fresh grass was crisp beneath my feet. I stopped to catch my breath and re-establish the direction of my personal hunt. Peeping from behind a large bush was the gauntly face of Severus Snape: his skin such a pale white, that when the glaring sunlight hit it, it glowed so brightly and unmistakeably that everyone in the vicinity gained an extra shadow. I grinned at his quivering body and gave him an extra few seconds to pick up speed – it was more interesting when I had something to chase. But by the time I got around the corner, he had already managed to trip over his own gangly lags and was frantically scrambling to collect his things from the floor. I sat on his scrawny back and felt him collapse under me. My hand tousled his long hair into a greasy ball of mess.

"Well _that_ wasn't very fun, was it now?" I sighed, crossing my arms.

"It's _never_ very fun."

I laughed, lay my head down beside his and winked "Not for you, maybe."

"Get off him, Pads!" called a voice in the distance.

I flicked my head up to see Remus looking down at me, his prefect badge flashing in the sunshine, shaking his head.

"Please don't hunt him between lessons: we're going to be late for Divinations."

"But I was having so much fun." I whined, clambering off Snape.

Moony rolled his eyes and offered him a hand up – a sight I'd never seen before and hoped I never would again – sending Snape an odd puce colour. After giving him a forced smile, we quickly rushed towards the North Tower.

I place myself next to James, as I had done every Divinations lesson since we started back in the third year. He smiled at me and leant over as the professor rambled about the "necessary revision of tea leafs" while handing out the cups and saucers.

"How come you came in late?"

"Snively – today he gave a bit of chase... before he managed trip over himself."

James patted me on the back and chuckled "Good work."

I poured the tea into our cups and sipped at the scorching liquid until I felt a light tap on my leg. I looked down to see Moony's hand delicately holding a folded piece of paper. Taking it from his grasp, I opened it and subtly read it under the table.

"Meet me on the outskirts of the forest after class – Moony x"

I grinned and glanced at his lightly reddening cheeks, knowing exactly what he meant. I'd wanted to for a while but had always worried for the sort of effects it would have on his already weak body – I hadn't wanted to roughen is gentle heart; I was scared of breaking him.

James stole my cup from under my nose and handed me his. I stared into it for a while, flipping it from side to side, trying to decipher the shape. Then came to a simple conclusion –

"You're gonna _die_, mate."

He raised an eyebrow as the slightly maddened professor bounded to our table from the one Remus had shared with Severus for the day. He snatched the cup from my hands and stared into it with his large eyes.

"And h-he will rise... and you will f-fall. But... but not before the conqueror is born." He seemed to be muttering to himself.

James slowly turned his head towards mine and stared at me with arched eyebrows, mouthing "He's _nuts!_"

The professor slammed the cup back on the table and grabbed mine from James' loosened grasp.

"Oh, oh you have the grim... the grim, yes indeed. You will face him, yes, face him before the end." He grinned with a twinkle of excitement in his almost colourless eyes.

I laughed and he shot a hateful sneer at me.

"Do not laugh at serious things, young man... So very serious they are..."

I shook my head and continued with the rest of the dragging lesson.

At the end, I saw Remus jump up and rush out of the class room with an eager bounce in his step. I sped after him, but he didn't slow down until we'd made our way a little into the forest. He turned to face me, breathing heavily as I pinned his soft body to a tree. My heart pounded ferociously at my chest; trying to break free from the chains I had been restraining it with for the past 6 months. He tilted his head back as I kissed at his neck, his carotid artery pulsing rapidly under my tongue.

"S-Siri..." he stuttered "I-I want it... want it now."

I pulled back and stared into his charming eyes. "Are you sure?"

He nodded like an excited 5 year old that had been offered the prospect of an ice cream on a hot summer's day. I leaned in and kissed him, our tongues waltzing perfectly to the rhythm of our souls. He broke free from our dance.

"Where would we?"

I stood for a minute or so, twisting his golden hair around my fingers, then smirked.

"Well, why don't we make that shack really shriek?"

I slid my fingers up his hand and lock them in-between his as he dragged me towards the Womping Willow and beyond.

I pushed Mooney to the ground as we entered the shack, ripping his shirt off to a state beyond repair. He let out a hushed gasp as his back made contact with the floor below us and began to unbutton my shirt, kissing every part of the unmarked territory that was my chest. I kept as quiet as I could, trying not to let slip how much I enjoyed being like this; like this with him.

I lifted his face up to meet mine and kissed his inexperienced lips that were shaking and twitching with excitement. He wrapped his slender arms around my neck and pulled me closer until my body was pressed tightly against his. I drew away to nibble and lick at his ear exposed ear.

"I love you, Pads. I really do." He breathed.

A loud gasp drew my attention to the doorway where Snape stood, jaw dropped, with hard-on. Remus shrieked a painful falsetto in my ear, accomplishing what we'd originally set out to do. He quickly hid behind me as I rose to my feet, throwing my head back and laughing until it was hard to breathe and fresh tears trickled down my cheeks.

"See something you like?" I sniggered, buttoning my shirt back up. "It'd be highly improbable for you to be crushing on me, so I'm guessing it's the prince with the prefect badge over here."

Remi punched my back.

Severus trembled in front of me, balling his fists in a defensive position. "And – and what if I am."

I could hear the tremor in his voice.

"Oh, touched a nerve, did I?" I pulled Remus out from behind me, twirling him and pulling his waist towards me. "Sorry, but he's taken."

He pushed against me. "Stop it, Siri..."

"No, I'm not finished with this lowly piece of shit; he needs to know where he stands in the food chain." I said staring into his sympathetic eyes and then flipping my head up to give Snape a malicious glare. "Me, Remus, James and the rest of the Gryffindors are all at the top. Then the Ravenclaws and the Hufflepuffs, then the _normal_ Slytherins, then the Muggles, then the creatures in the forbidden forest, then the trees, then the crusty dry earth, and then finally the snivelly greasy little twerps that thin they can score above their league. But, I'm feeling kind today, so you can watch. We have nothing to be ashamed of."

"I said stop it." Remus growled, giving Snape a chance to escape.

I tensed my body up, in state of dampened fury. I tried to ignore the magma of pure hatred that was burning inside of me, pulsing through my every vein. He leant up and kissed me. I dismissed it.

"Are you alright?" He muttered - his expression pained as if I'd driven a wooden pole through his chest.

I sighed "It's not you... just that... that _rat_. He... Argh! I can't even put it into words... And like this... like this, I know I'll just end up hurting you more than it's going to hurt anyway. I don't want that freaks face constantly popping into my head."

Remus softly kissed my lips, stroking my hair.

"I'll wait."


	5. Chapter 5

**We're back in the "present" again... This is a scene we created before Sirius flees to Europe, taking our lovely Remus with him... It was initally going to have them leaving aswell... but we got a bit carried away with the whole argument... so sorry, but you'll have to wait for Chapter 7 for that ;)**

I was stirred from my well needed sleep at about 8am by Remus' fidgeting body. It felt so nice to finally being able to sleep in a proper bed, in a proper house. Even if it was the house that my despicable parents brought me up in; the bed that they'd shared; the concept I'd spent so many years trying to defy with all my might; breaking the vow I'd made so long ago. I didn't let it bother me – we'd be gone by mid afternoon. I closed my eyes and pretended to be asleep as he planted a delicate kiss on my cheek, coaxing me back into a wonderful dream world.

Sometime later, I was woken by his tender lips pressing against mine. I opened my groggy eyes to a Remus shaped haze, only just able to see the line of his lips draw into a full smile.

"Morning, Sunshine. I'm making you breakfast and a bath, so get up quickly." He whispered.

I grunted and rolled over. He was too cheerful in the mornings. Just – like – a – _child_. If I were to be honest, it made me feel slightly queasy. I was _not _a "Mornings Person" – never had been and never would be.

My head hit the floor with a loud BANG and forced me to tumble into reality once more. I was dripping wet, my hair plaited like a little girl, being pulled by the ankle across the freezing wooden floor.

"What the fuck was that for? I was asleep!" I winged.

He stopped for a moment and turned to me with a scornful glare.

"_Four times I tried to wake you up. __**Four - times!**__ This was my last resort."_

I grinned at him nervously. He looked like he was going to kill something – a side of him I'd only seen on a few occasions.

"Now, are you going to get up or will I have to drag your naked body up these stairs and throw you into the bath myself?"

"Could you carry me, maybe?"

"No!"

I stood up and turned around.

"Could you at least pull the splinters out of my back?"

I climbed the stairs and into the bathroom, my head still aching from the fall. The bath was full, the clear water sparking in the light. I lifted my leg and dipped my toes in. The cold snapped at my foot. I grimaced.

"Remus, you made me a _cold _bath?"

I heard his footsteps as they stormed towards where I was, shaking the whole house. His eyes burned with fury, cutting through mine.

"You are such a kid – You should have enjoyed it when I made it!"

He pushed me over and sent me flying into the freezing water. It lapped up around my face, cascading into my awestricken mouth. He was pissed ... _Really, really pissed. _I hadn't meant to hurt him. I hadn't wanted to insult his fragile heart. But, what worried me most was that I'd actually made him angry, that he seemed to be slowly becoming a monster like me. In any normal situation in the past, _my_ Remus would have simply cried until I gave in and let me tend to him until he bloomed back into the beautiful rose he was. Yet this once, the frost had gotten to his petals and I'd watched each fall off, one by one, until they lay in flimsy pieces in my cruel hands. I stroked the plaits that he'd carefully constructed while I slept. What had he become? What had I destroyed?

I peered into the kitchen. It was empty. He had to be somewhere. A sigh came from the lounge and I crept warily towards it. He was sat on the sofa, tapping his foot ferociously on the ground. I carefully slid my arms around his neck – afraid he might bite – and nuzzled my head against his. He left it for a bit and then shook me off. I feared for us. He had a pistol ready to my chest, threatening to blow my heart to bits with one wrong move, knowing how I worked, what would destroy me most. His words, his actions were more terrifying than any Dementor's kiss; more powerful than any charm or spell.

"Go and eat your breakfast." He said in a long breath, standing and moving towards me.

My hands trembled. I longed to tell him I was sorry, to make it up.

"No, ca-"

I choked on my words. I wanted to speak, but the words refused to slide out. It would have sounded like plain rejection to anyone who wasn't me.

He exploded right in front of my eyes, screaming and yelling. And finally, he hurtled a fist towards my face. I grabbed him and pushed him against the wall with all my force.

"LOOK AT YOU!" I bellowed "WHAT ARE YOU? WHAT DID YOU DO ... WHAT DID YOU DO WITH MOONY? THE MOONY I KNEW? The ... the ... the ... the Moony that loved me whatever I did ... however foolish and ignorant I was ... I want ... I just want ... want... want him back ... I want him beside me ... he's my ... my world ... my ... my everything ..."

I loosened my grasp and kissed is frozen lips, not looking into his eyes that would surely tear my very being to tiny shreds and leave me a tired mess on the floor. His face moistened mine. Maybe he was finally back to himself; back to the man that I loved so dearly. Still, I didn't draw away, from fear of this world that we had created collapsing under the weight of my selfishness.

"I love you, Siri... More than you'll ever know..." his voice quivered through floods of tears.


	6. Chapter 6

**Baaaaack in the past... and if you've notice... the end is a bit abrupt because I got bored and had run out of words... I'm v tired... zzzzz**

**Enjoy... or not :P**

I entered my house and paced across the hallway to the kitchen. I never greeted my parents when I got in. Partially because I hated them, and partially because I never told them when I went in the first place. Though, usually, when they noticed me, they'd lecture me about half-bloods and drag dark looks behind me until I locked myself in my room. This didn't happen today. The whole house consumed by an eerie silence. I smiled; glad that I could relax and think about the day I'd spent with Remus in Muggle London, without anything obscuring my thoughts.

But my peacefulness was short come. As I crept my way towards the table, I noticed a newspaper lying flat, page opened to the headline: Black Family's Dark Disgrace. It showed a moving photo of me, with Remus pinned to the ground as I furiously kissed his beautiful face. This was not good. How had anyone found out? How had anybody managed to get _pictures_?

Then it struck me. This can't have been a reporter – they wouldn't have been allowed on the school grounds, especially seen as this had been clearly taken in our dorm (the day that the Gryffindor vs. Slytherin Quidditch match had occurred, earlier in the year). It must have been someone close. Close enough to know about us but far enough away to do this. Snape – The article clearly victimised Remus, when the feeling we had was more than mutual, meaning he was the only answer. I had to tell him; to warn him of what was to come.

It took me 20 minutes to reach his house, running at full belt as my animagus. I burst through his front door, changing back and spluttering.

"Moony! It's Snively, he's –"

He surged towards me, throwing himself into my arms and clinging to me like ivy. His eyes spouting, he attempted to bite my shoulder to stop himself wailing into my ear. My despicable parents appeared from a door way, closely followed by Remus' father. They disgusted me - The lot of them.

"What's this?" my father bellowed at me, forcing the Daily Prophet into my face.

I stared defiantly into his soulless eyes. "What do you think it is?"

He marched himself forward until he was towering over me. Remus shook and slid behind me, part of his face redden in the shape of a hand. I was positive it was my father's doings.

"This, my "son" – if you have the right to be called that anymore – is the reputation of the whole Black family, destroyed by your idiotic actions."

I let out a loud yelp of laughter and spat in his face, ripping the newspaper from his tight grasp.

"This, my "father" – if you have the right to be called that anymore – is the workings of a greasy little twerp, believed by _your_ idiotic mind."

I got great pleasure tearing the story slowly in half and watching it transform back into an article about a set of highly priced wands that had been stolen and successfully retrieved at a later date.

My father stuttered, his faced glowing a violent red. He grabbed my shoulder in an iron grasp and shook me.

"IT DOESN'T MATTER THAT THE WORLD DOESN'T KNOW! YOU'RE STILL A DISGRACE – WE HEARED IT ALL!"

Remus began to cry even harder. "I'm sorry... I didn't know what to do."

I turned to him and cradled his trembling body.

"It's ok, it's ok. Don't worry about it. Everything will be fine."

He lifted his head and looked at me with his wonderful blue eyes, blurred by layer after layer of tears. If only my father had looked into these astonishing creations that could obliterate even the coldest planet with one simple glance - his icy heart would be shattered into a million ugly shards. I swept his chaotic hair out of his face and lifted his chin to mine, opening my mouth slightly to kiss him.

"_Crucio!_"

I bolted back. It felt like a horse had kicked me in the mouth and smashed all my teeth in. Then, the sensation ripped through the rest of my body. I screamed and screamed and collapsed to the floor. I could see Remus' horror stricken face. He knelt beside me and locked our hands together.

"Don't give up, dear God, don't give up."

My body convulsed and my skin began to burn. I roared. I couldn't take it. This awful torture was what criminals deserved, not 16 year old boys. Yet, the wand was still pointed at me, the gleam of triumph glittering in the monster's grin. With all my might, I pulled myself up and rested my limp body on Remus, letting him clasp his arms around me.

"What are you doing? He's your son! Does that mean nothing to you? I swear, if he'd dead..."

The words became hazy in my ears. I couldn't make out what everyone was saying, through the pain that was shattering my body. All I could make out were the loud shouts of my father and Remus. Suddenly, they stopped and I heard loud clunking feet stumble.

"Nice punch, Remi." I strained out. He flung his arms around me and squeezed me tight. "Leave that till later..."

I slipped out of consciousness to ease the pain.


	7. Chapter 7

**The "present" again - when Siri and Remus are trying to flee to Europe**

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You cannot even fathom how much I wanted to get out of that house: I was sure it drove people to the brink – my parents were proof of that; _I_ was proof of that. But I had to painstakingly wait for Remus to finish sculpting me a "prefect disguise". Let's be fair – when he _did_ finish, I didn't look anything like the real me, but like one of those evil girl group managers that were popping up everywhere in 90's films, with my hair scraped back into a ponytail and thick horn rimmed glasses.

"Rems, you're a genius." I laughed, kissing his cheek. "Now, carry our bags to the Muggle vehicle."

By the time he'd managed to carefully balance all our cases on top of himself and place them in the trunk, he was panting, sweat beads delicately dribbling down his moist face. We were clearly becoming middle-aged.

"Someone's getting a bit podgy." I chuckled, poking his stomach and playing with his highly un-amused cheeks "How's my fatty, fatty, fatster?"

"I'm not fat, I'm very simply unfit. Besides, you should have carried some, Paddy."

"Please, don't call me Paddy." I sighed "It completely contrasts with the persona you've given me with this disguise - it makes me sound like I live in a caravan and commit incest on a regular basis."

He smirked. "Paddy, Paddy, Padster!"

I pushed him against the fence beside us and kissed him violently until he stopped trying to irritate me. Suddenly, he pulled me off.

"We're going to be late, get in the car!"

I sighed and slid into the passenger seat. A cold, sharp feeling prickled at my neck and, for the first time – I believe – in my entire life, I felt an odd kind of apprehension over something out of the bounds of my control. My body wanted to roll with convulsions; my heart wanted to leap from my chest, but I clenched desperately to the edge of my chair, bottling all of this feeling and locking it in place.

"Moons..." I muttered.

He nodded, eyes still fixated on the road in front of us.

"Moony, do you think this is wise? ... Doing this? ... I mean ... What if they find us? What if they work out it's me and send me back? What if they send _you_ there as well? The Ministry is sure to be patrolling the borders as not to let me slip through their fingers once more. I wouldn't be able to live with myself if they took you too."

I felt his warm hand stroke my hair as if I was some kind of dog.

"That's _exactly_ why we're using Muggle transport – if they are looking, they'd be trying to find a mad wizard on a broomstick or a beast, not a man with a well forged passport that goes by the name of 'Sinclair Woods'."

He turned back to face the road.

"You look totally different. They won't know. It'll be fine." He paused to take in air – very fact that he was worrying himself more than relaxing me was present in the slight quiver in his breath. "_We'll be fine_."

Eventually, we got to the airport and handed in the rented car, after emptying the load from the back. I squeezed his hand with mine, which had now become hot and clammy in my nervous state. Despite the many pastry-faced Muggles rushing around within it, the terminal was cool and open. The floors were polished and shone bright in the sunlight that streamed through the domed glass window at the top of the building. I had realised that most looks we were getting were because we were walking hand in hand with like a couple of foolish teenagers heading off for our first holiday without our parents and I looked like an out of date art critic. But still, I could feel the eyes on my back, crawling under my skin and scrutinising my every move.

We placed ourselves in the worn out seats at the end of the terminal and Remus leaned onto my side, beaming.

"There, I told you. We're here and no one is any the wiser."

"I know, I know. But I'm worried for you: I'm a liability. I don't know how you talked me into letting you come with me."

He laughed "I wouldn't have let you leave without me. I only just got you back and I'm not going to let you get away that easily. We're in this together whether you like it or not. I brought on whatever happens next, myself."

"You're so funny and cute when you go off on one like that."

"Shut up, Paddy!" He groaned.

"I thought I told you not to call me that."

"And I think that you shouldn't call me funny when I'm trying to be sweet and sentimental."

"You know that's not gonna happen."

"Whatever you say, Paddy, whatever you say."

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**Oh, and by the way me and Andraste would like to say Thanks to DragonMoonX (or something like that) for reviewing and reading all of our chapters :)**


	8. Chapter 8

**We're back in the past now... Yay much ^ ^...**

**Oh, and the "plate of death" is a pun sort of thing on death eaters - just telling you now bacause Andraste didn't get it first until I explained it and I'm not sure if all of you will aswell :S**

**Enjoy :D**

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_He'd lain on the bed – His lips slightly parted and drawing me in as they had done for the most part of my adolescent life so far. Not that I'd wanted to hurt Remus, I just thought that one kiss wouldn't hurt: I'd wanted to see how they felt – if it was anything like I'd always imagined. But when he'd woken with a start, I didn't know what to do. I'd misplaced his trust and feared: for our friendship; for a place to call home. He'd hugged me and giggled. We agreed to never speak of it again._

Remus hadn't talked to me all day. The most we'd actually communicated from the moment we'd settled ourselves on the train to the start of the feast was the occasional icy glance he'd thrown me across the large chasm that had opened between us. What's worse was that now, he was talking in hushed voices to the "almighty" Lily Evans, who had already managed to snatch one man from under my nose and seemed to be threatening to make it two.

I leant across the table and subtly placed my hand on his, staring hopefully at his delicate face. But his eyes refused to meet mine.

"Moony, are you alright?"

"I'm absolutely _fine._" He snarled and attempted to snatch his hand back.

I clutched onto it, refusing to let go "No, you're not. Seriously, what's wrong? I can't do anything about it if you don't tell me."

"If he says he's fine, _he's fine_." Lily butted in "So leave it, Sirius."

"Stop sticking your nose into places they don't belong, Evans. This has _nothing_ to do with you."

"It has _everything_ to do with me – you _kissed_ my boyfriend!" She hissed.

I ignorantly looked to James.

"Would you care to put a muzzle on your bitch?"

The whole group stared with awestricken faces – including Wormtail who had managed to stop stuffing himself for a moment, in order to gawk at me with a mouth full of half-chewed food.

"Now, I'm _trying_ to have a private conversation here. If it wouldn't take too much effort, I'd be glad if you all could butt out of it."

Remus slapped me. Hard. It wasn't enough to draw tears, but enough to make a loud, crisp sound that rippled through the Great Hall, turning the heads of everyone in it.

"STOP ACTING ALL SUPERIOR - YOU'RE NO BETTER THAN YOUR PARENTS!"

His eyes had a hint of wild rage in them, tamed slightly by the mad quivering that shook his whole body. I slid my food across the table and stepped from my place, turning to march toward the doors.

"Oh... I'm sorry, Remus – I'd almost forgotten."

I braked and spun onto my heel.

"Dumbledore, a plate of your finest Death – medium rare – if you would be so kind. And Snively ... he's _all yours_!"

Before anyone could shout at me, I'd rushed round out of the doors and to the Gryffindor common room, but refused entrance due to the fact a new password was required. I _did_ try to change it to "Remus Lupin is a pompous twat" but the portrait deemed it inappropriate. So I spent what I would have been the whole of the feast, sat awkwardly outside, waiting for someone important to come and let me in.

When the Gryffindors finally did arrive, no one spoke to me. They barely even looked at me, for that matter, all muttering between themselves. It really didn't bother me if I was honest – I was used to being dismissed by my parents, my close family, my distant family and (as lowly as it was) the house elf, so this didn't seem to stand out as anything greatly significant. Though, it made the air in the room slightly cold and unsettling, and I thought it better that I reside in my dorm as not to make the situation worse.

Prongs was the first to come up, brow slightly wrinkled – stressed more than angry. He dropped himself beside me and let out a sigh.

"I'm sorry about Lily. I can understand why she's angry at you, I would be too if I was in her situation, but she's taking this a bit far – turning Moony on you as well."

I patted his back.

"It's ok... and she has every right to be... you have every right to be... he has every right to be... I just... didn't think that the abortion of our friendship would be over something as meaningless as that."

"It's not completely shattered. We'll be able to work something out, I'm sure of it."

"And if we can't?"

"Don't look at it like that, Pads. We _will. _Moony really cares for you. I'm positive that if we don't sort it out, he will."

I bit my lip.

"So you..."

He laughed "Yeah, I know. Lily told me – when she catches wind of something, her mouth opens and closes like there's no tomorrow. I'll tell you that for nothing."

I grinned. "You're a good person, I hope you know that."

I couldn't sleep all that night, my mind swimming with thoughts, each as malicious and painful as the last. It would latch itself to the most scaring and hurtful ones, until they'd reduced me to a weeping ball of duvet. When I was certain everyone was sleeping, I slid out of bed and to the window. The landscape was so sweet; so serene, dusted with moonlight and sparkling into my eyes. You could see each blade of grass dance in the light breeze; each tree sway to an unheard tune. I yanked open the curtain and watched the crisp, silver light pour into the room and slither onto Remus' empty bed. He must have still been below me, in the common room. I carefully sneaked down the steps and, much as I'd expected, he was asleep on the sofa, the dying fire illuminating his face. I laughed to myself – he was always so sure of what was right, trying to be the most confident and extraordinary person he could be, but didn't understand how vulnerable and fragile he really was. I lifted his dainty body and carried him back up the stairs to the dorm. The fresh moonlight scattered over his face and his sleeping body flinched in shock and clung to my neck, used to the dire consequences such a strong shine usually retained. But it wasn't full, and he continued to slumber peacefully. I crept toward his bed and lowered him into it. He was beautiful laced in silver; more beautiful than anyone knew; than anyone would know. I slowly brushed his glowing hair off his face and planted a kiss on his forehead.

"I love you, Rems. I'm sorry that I'm such an idiot."

"I love you too, Siri." He mumbled in his sleep.


	9. Chapter 9

**Taa daa... the next chapter... back in the good ol' "present"... Enjoy :D**

The plane was hot and stuffy, each chair uncomfortably close the next, making every movement almost impossible without breaking something or knocking it over; worsened substantially by my tenseness. Although, I was slightly more pleased than I normally would be in this sort of situation, as Remus had nicely given me permission to let at least the front parts of my hair out – so I looked less like a broken art critic and more like Johnny Depp on a bad day. He sat beside me, delicately drawing figures of 8 in my loose palm with his middle finger, faintly tickling as he did so. My mind wandered: absorbed in dark thoughts; vain attempts to stifle the fear that was bubbling so violently within me.

A soft jab on my side stirred me and I turned to look at him, still somewhat lost in thought.

"What's up, Rems?"

He intertwined our hands and gazed deep into me with the blazing azure I loved so dearly.

"Pads, I think you should be a little nicer to Harry – You're all he has left in terms of a family and he needs caring for."

I sighed and nodded submissively.

"And well," he continued "We could have him back in the holidays, send him letters, maybe even tell him about us... our relationship... We could be a _proper_ family – he could be a son to us and we could be parents to him. He might actually feel properly loved for the first time in his live. Doesn't that sound wonderful?"

"So you want the Daily Prophet to have a field day, hmm? Even if they didn't latch themselves onto the fact that there was a 14 year old boy living with the man who supposedly killed his parents, I'm sure they'd have something to say about him living with a gay werewolf."

He turned sharply away.

"Thanks, Sirius, just wonderful to know what you think about me."

A little spike of guilt stabbed at my chest. I hated the feeling I got when I hurt him, but this time I had to endure it, otherwise he never would understand what the problem was. I lightly placed my hand on his shoulder and rubbed it comfortingly with my thumb.

"You know that's not how I see you; it's just what the newspapers will say – they've always had a thing about your kind. Anyway, have you ever seen me as the motherly sort?"

"You're not the only person in this world, you know." He growled, an extra tone reverberating in his voice, as if he were about to cry.

"Remus... Rems... Moony... Just listen... Please... It's not that I don't care... I just don't want to end up like my parents... I don't want to turn into something I hate; you hate... I don't want that for anyone..."

"So you'd rather he was definitely miserable with the Dursleys, than there being a small chance that he's miserable with us as well. You're the closest thing he has to a relative, Sirius – You have a responsibility."

"I didn't ask to be his godfather, but for you, Moony, I'll sort something out." I sighed, pressing my nose to the nape of his neck and softly pecking his spine.

He swivelled back to face me.

"That's all I needed to hear."

I stroked his cheek and ran the tips of my fingers over his smooth lips, parting them slightly and not losing contact until mine were pressed finely against his. I felt a murmur of pleasure trickle from his mouth, kissing me as if we'd been separated for days. His lips pulsed with the accelerating beat of his pumping heart. Inviting so politely the tip of my tongue to play with his, I lost myself in the moment.

After what felt like hours, our mouths trailed apart, remnants of Remus still moist on my lips. I cupped his fragile face in my hands and touched the ends of our noses together, watching his face glow a tantalizing pink.

"Oh, my sweet perfection, did it hurt when you fell from heaven?" I beamed, laughing a little at my cheesiness and resting my hand in his.

The plane jerked to the left, the light of the dying sun cascading through the small windows up the sides. His blonde hair flamed in the sunshine, burning a thousand shades of orange, like a sea of glittering candles. Not for the first time since I'd reunited with him, I remembered what a truly stunning person he was, everything wonderful about him accented in the sharp light.

"You know," he muttered "Harry isn't actually that bad a kid – at least, not half as bad as you were – so it wouldn't be much effort taking up the roles of his parents."

I leant toward him and nibbled his ear.

"And we all know who influenced me the most."

Without warning, the plane suddenly jolted back to the right, encasing the cabin in shadow and sending an airhostess, that I'd been half-heartedly accepting flirts from earlier in the flight, tumbling into my lap. She quickly composed herself and threw a stern glance at Remus.

"We're about to land. It'd best if you _weren't_ all over him – something dangerous might happen."

He looked at her, smouldering with rage. "Well, why don't you get a new pilot because he clearly can't be up to much if he makes kissing dangerous."

"The pilot has nothing to do with it: this is for your own safety."

"She's probably screwing him, the slag." He muttered to his lap.

Her jaw dropped. This was getting bitchy. Still, I couldn't help but laugh at the start of World War 3 and his cute attempts and being offensive.

"1) My sex life doesn't really concern you and 2) At least I'm not the one putting who I sleep with on a plate for all to see - There are children on this plane."

"Oh, so you can no longer be gay on Easy Jet flights?"

"I never said that! Don't accuse me of being a homophobe so openly!"

"Ladies, ladies!" I butted in, in fear of a full out bitch fight. "Let's stop this now because we're going to get banned and you're going to get fired and I'm sure neither of us actually wants that." I placed a hand on the hostess' shoulder and smiled. "Sorry about him – he's a bit over protective."

Remus' head violently turned to glare at my face with piercing eyes.

"Am I _really_? Thanks for the support!"

I flashed him a broad grin "Yes, you are, and that's one of the things I love the most about you." I leant my face closer into his. "Now, if it doesn't kill us:" Our lips pressed together and stood in harmony for a few bliss seconds before the plane landed, skidding along the runway.

As we disembarked the aeroplane, I noticed something strangely familiar in the distance, a painful speck of the past glinting in my eye. Pettigrew. Peter Pettigrew. The vile beast that killed James; that put me in Azkaban for _12 painful years_; waving so innocently at us with his disgusting disfigured hand. Without thinking, I thrust my hand into my jacket, but before I could draw out my wand Remus had gripped my arm and was giving me strict look.

"Muggles. Everywhere. He _is_ going to pay. Just not here."


	10. Chapter 10

**Hello there :D We're back in the past again... Enjoy ;)**

Morning came around quicker than I'd expected and, before I knew it, I was no longer staring at the tranquil face of sleeping Remus but at a plate of greasy breakfast. The Great Hall was buzzing with students but the Gryffindor table was very clearly split into two sides – me at one end and the rest of the house at the other. Now I knew how it felt to be Snape: if he was handsome, less greasy and likeable. James slid towards me, entering limbo and carefully manoeuvring himself over the wall of distain, onto my side.

"Pads, we have potions next. Will you be alright being paired with Moony?"

I smiled "Thanks for worrying, but I'll be fine. I have a feeling I'll be able to sway his view on me this lesson." I smirked "And anyway, it could be worse – I could be paired with your girlfriend."

"Ah, it's always a possibility."

"I'd rather it wasn't" I muttered to myself.

He laughed "So would I: I wouldn't have to clean up anybody's corpse."

I glanced to my side to see Lily's emerald eyes trying to burn through my skull and fry my brain.

"I think you'd better go back. Lily looks murderous."

He smiled at me and slid back across the table.

When I placed myself next Remus in Potions the whole room went tense, the piercing eyes of fellow Gryffindors fearing the worst. But he wasn't uncivil towards me... nor unkind... he just had this slightly cold air about him, like he didn't really care about me; like there was somewhere he'd rather be. Yet I still knew there was an ember of hope sparking in the darkness – if he loved me when he was asleep, he loved me when he was awake, it was simply that his mind and feelings had been subject to impugnment on behalf of a distraught Lily Evans, to the point that he believed whatever she said regardless of whether it was right or wrong.

He lifted our caldron from the storage and placed it on the table with a clink. 2 month old Polyjuice Potion sloshed and swirled around in it, filling the room with a rather rancid smell. I didn't quite get why we'd had to leave it over the holidays – it didn't need to brew – and was positive that, being left for that amount of time, it would probably kill someone like Remus, who had never been a very well person in the first place. I didn't want him to die from a dodgy potion when he was already slipping so nicely from my grasp. He sat down beside me again and began to listen intently to the Professor, his arm dangling so sweetly, his hand open, fingers relaxed, calling mine with hushed voices. Without even thinking, my hand glided perfectly into his, his palms softer than I'd remembered, the touch so delicious that I could barely contain myself, instantly regretting the notion – knowing it would be snatched away any moment and I would be yearning for it with all my heart for as long as it took for him to forgive me. But, to my surprise, he left it there, giving it what felt unbelievably like a slight squeeze. His shining blue eyes flicked to me and rested delicately on my face with a sympathetic smile playing nicely on his lips. I leaned toward him.

"So, you don't love me _only_ when you're asleep" I muttered.

His eyes broadened and his cheeks glowed an aggressive red. "How di- What makes... Just..." He looked to the floor and heaved a sigh "So, it wasn't a dream."

"No, it wasn't." I laughed "So now can you please go back to being _my_ wonderful, beautiful, innocent Remus – It's lonely without you."

"But... Lily. She's still angry. She was such a good friend when we..."

"And, as a friend, she'd want you to be happy, right?"

We were suddenly met with a loud thud on the desk and the booming voice of our Potions Professor in our ears. "Get on with it! I do not want a month's worth of work to have been a complete waste of time and potentially dangerous because you two have not been concentrating!"

I sighed and quickly placed the last few ingredients into the caldron, splitting it then into two vials and neatly exchanging hairs. The potion was possibly the most putrid thing I'd ever tasted; it burned my throat and watered my eyes, threatening to come back up and exhibit itself on the table. Though, I was glad I wasn't the only one, as the whole class around me seemed to be displaying strained attempts to keep their breakfasts in their stomachs. I stared at my hand that had slowly begun to resemble Remus' and felt the sensation trickle up my arm and spread across my body. It was odd carrying what little weight he composed himself with, compared to mass of muscle I had to bear, he was like a feather, completely free, and I found it surprising that I was still stuck to the ground. Funnily enough, he seemed to be having the very opposite problem, pressed to the table, looking overly worn out. I laughed as he shot a malicious glance at me.

"You're bloody heavy, I hope you know that."

"And you're really light. Have you ever wondered why I'm on top?" I grinned, winking.

"Well, I think I'm going to take this as an opportunity."

"Tut tut, no sex in class – did you forget that the one we made only lasts for half an hour?"

He grunted and pulled himself up to level with me.

"It _will_ happen one day and you'll be _sorry_."

I shook my head, having his flowing hair fall in my line of view. It lined the room with gold, making everything glow like nothing on this earth, an extra gate to heaven, Remus being the only key. Now I understood why he would let his hair float around so freely – such beauty needed to be cherished not ignored. I smiled.

"You're an amazing human being, Rems."

He turned to face me.

"Are you saying that to me or you?"

I slanted to kiss his cheek, but the fact I would be kissing what appeared to be myself and the presence of the impending eyes of other students killed the moment. They all seemed a bit off key, not quite right, then I realised that the change back was happening. I glanced down on myself, but nothing had changed. The floaty feeling was still there. I was still Remus Lupin and Remus Lupin was still me.

"_Nothing's changing_..." I moaned, frustrated.

"Look, when the Professor turns around again, we swap and no one will be any the wiser."

Surely enough, by the end of the lesson no one had actually noticed that we weren't us and as we staggered out of Potions with our new found weights, Moony seemed quite pleased with himself, professing how he was going to be the one on top tonight. It came as quite an amusing disappointment for him when we changed back in the middle of Care of Magical Creatures, so as my apology, I kindly granted a once in a lifetime ticket that he gladly accepted.


	11. Chapter 11

**Back to the "present" ;)... enjoy... there's a bit of french in this... but I'll translate at the end of the Chap :)... Review if you wanna... :D**

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By the time we'd got outside, night had already blanketed itself over the city of Lyon, cooling us a little from the vapid heat that liked so much to wallow inside of the airport. Remus clung to my arm, the light summer breeze playing his hair, staring at me through watered eyes.

"Please, you have to take me with you – I can't let you go alone."

I sighed and lowered my head to meet level with his.

"You see this building here." I cocked my head to the left, signalling to the piece of architecture that stood next to us, illuminated by green and purple lights, glowing against the dark background. "Beautiful, isn't it? And it let planes in and out of it, right?" He nodded in his wonderful childish disposition. "Now imagine if one of the planes came hurtling into it. It's not made to withstand that. You're like this building – if all of that magic; all of that horror came crashing into you, you wouldn't survive... and if you did, you definitely wouldn't be my Remus Lupin anymore."

"But, Siri... what if you get injured or die? I can't just be left waiting... left not knowing... alone... you're not strong enough to go it alone, either."

I sighed. "I'm also not strong enough to keep going if you got hurt; if you died, knowing that it'd been entirely my fault. Anyway, this is Wormtail we're talking about: he won't be able to get anywhere near me." My hand stroked his cheek "So don't you worry your pretty little head about it."

"Fine, but I need money."

I laughed and threw him my wallet. "There are some pre-signed cheques in the back as well."

He began to walk away, but I caught him and twirled him in my arms, to press his body hard against mine for a "goodbye" kiss. No... "So long"... Never "goodbye".

"It's only temporary, but get somewhere nice." I grinned, forming a small lupin flower between our clasped hands.

As we drew apart, he nuzzled his nose to it, smiling "You romantic fool, happy hunting."

I woke up on the slope of a tight valley, consumed by the greenery around me, head throbbing, arms, legs, torso cut and bruised, covered in a layer of dry, crispy blood. Raising to my feet and trying to compose myself, I couldn't quite recall what had happened earlier in the day... the night... yesterday...? But I sure as hell hoped that at least part of the blood belonged to Pettigrew, if not most of it – I had to have _some_ battle scars to take home for Remus to tend to. I sighed and sat back down – it would be best to think about where I was and what happened last before I set off in the wrong direction. By the height of the sun, it was probably about midday. If I watched it for a few hours I could probably work out which way was north and remember a little in the time.

After an hour, I hadn't made much progress – all I could recollect was that Pettigrew threw a pretty big rock at my head in a fleeting attempt to get away from me and that I was somewhere in the west of France... _somewhere_... God, I was going be there for months... and then they'd find my rotting corpse... and Remus would kill himself... and the-

Suddenly a loud beep protruded from my pocket and had me jump.

"Oh, I have a phone, don't I? My bad..." I muttered to myself, trying to establish how it worked.

4 calls and 7 text messages? I smiled and shook my head as I scrolled through each one. So weary; so cute and he'd sweetly given me an address and a photo of the flat along with about 50 kisses.

But before I could even think of disapperating, I heard a high pitched voice call from higher up.

"Gene, regardez! Il y a un homme dans la vallée!"

A little girl, no older than about 9, stood on what looked like an old slate wall, was pointing at me, beginning to climb down the steep slope.

"Alicia! NON! ALICIA! ATTENDS-MOI!" bellowed a much deeper voice, appearing at the edge of the wall and clambering over it.

Without thinking I pulled my wand from my side – I'd supposedly killed more with it and it was the only way I was going to be able to ward them away and apparate peacefully. But they didn't seem discouraged and if anything it made the boy run faster.

"NE SE TOUCHEZ PAS!"

He ground to a hault infront of me as the girl grabbed the 18-year-old's hand and pulled him down to whisper something in his ear.

"Ah, oui, tu trouve?" He tilted his head to the side in thought "Mais, non. C'est une brindille."

She whispered again.

"Pourquoi? Évidement, il est fou!"

The girl leaned closer to look at the piece of wood I was grasping.

"Non, je sais que c'est vrai: c'est magique!"

I lowered my arm and sighed.

"Just fuck off"

But they kept on staring at me and muttering between themselves, as if discussing what to do with me. It was really getting on my nerves. I came to the conclusion that they'd already seen me there, so seeing me disapperate wouldn't really change anything, apart from the fact it'd put them both in to a mental hospital. But I was never going to see them again, so it didn't really bother me.

Within seconds I was standing outside of our new flat, pressing the bell with my forehead as I no longer had the energy to do it with the rest of my body. The door swung open and Remus squeezed me tightly.

"Siri, are you hurt? Don't tell me you're hurt. Did you get my messages? I was so worried."

I laughed quietly to myself and dragged myself to the sofa, collapsing on top of it in a heap of Sirius shaped mess.

"I'm not hurt, just tired – I chased Wormtail across France and then had to amuse some ignorant French children. The last of my energy was used up getting back here." I paused, and then through a heap of pillows, muttered "I'm liking the flat, Moons."

He bounded over and kissed my neck.

"I'm glad."

* * *

**So, here's the French**

**"Gene, look! There's a man in the valley!"**

**"Alicia! No! Alicia! Wait for me!"**

**I think you can guess the next one ;)**

**"Really?"[The litteral meaning being "Ah, yes, you find?"] "No, it's a twig."**

**"Why? Obviously, he's mad."**

**"No, I know it's true: It's magical."**

**Oh, and for those who are used to the -e, -é and -er ends, -ez at the end of the verb simply means that it's a command rather than a statement...**

**Don't judge - I may be French but my spelling and the way I congregate sentences is sometimes off by a bit because I didn't grow up in France and am therefore not amazingly accustomed to the language :P**


	12. Chapter 12

**Back in the past ;) Don't worry the firsting is only stroking if you are getting any weird ideas form it it probably because you're a bit pervy ;) :) Enjoy... :P**

* * *

I awoke to the pleasant smell of Remus' hair tickling my nostrils; our naked bodies pressed together; a slender form curled into a foetal position within my arms, his pale skin so smooth under the touch of my fingertips: the feel of a man that had been carefully crafted by the gentle hands of a God from linen; silk; the wings of angels. Every line of his chest, the subtle curve of his hips, the dainty muscles that quietly clung to his bones, all flawlessly streamlined to the touch; all drawing me in like a drug – My heart pumped only to taste his sweet body flow gently beneath my hands. The odd lone scar gave breathtaking textures to an immaculate body, his astoundingly perfect imperfections entrancing my soul, dancing so playfully below my gliding palms. Only the sound of his lungs broke the silence, the movement of his chest as he breathed the morning air so casually, to fuel his bittersweet being. All this wonder, all this beauty was only mine to hold; to touch; to fall in love with countless times over. My name was encrusted into his heart, as his was mine – never to fade; never to break from the flaming chains that bound us.

He stirred, gracefully locking his hand to mine, preventing it from feeling the rest of his exquisite frame. A quiet groan slipped from his lips and he rolled to face me as he opened his eyes.

"Oh good, it's you. For a minute then, it felt like it was going to turn into early morning rape." He beamed, already glowing so awake and childishly.

I caressed his rose cheeks with the back of my hand and planted a delicate kiss on his forehead.

"That's because it was."

"Siri, honey, it wouldn't be rape: merely surprise sex."

His slender hand occupied itself with the wild curls of my hair, twisting and twirling them harmlessly around his fingers, ignoring his own that was, as if out of jealousy, obscuring his dazzling blue eyes with a veil of affluent gold. I leant in and kissed parted lips that lay so defencelessly open – an exchange of pure liquid ecstasy, leaving my tongue; my mouth; my body twitching violently for more. He pulled away and smiled at me with pearly teeth.

"What's this, so excited in the morning?"

"Oh, I'm preparing for surprise sex." I laughed, pulling him closer.

He nuzzled his head into my shoulder, his soft hair embracing my skin.

"Not much of a surprise, now, is it?"

Suddenly, James burst in, in shorts and a vest that he'd clearly kept since our first year, closely followed by Peter.

"No surprise sex – if we're not ready soon, we're going to miss breakfast."

Remus grabbed my shoulder, digging his nails in and pulling his head up to my ear.

"Even _think_ of getting hard over him and I'm gonna chop you dick off!" he hissed, words fortified with a thick layer of hate.

I lifted his chin and kissed his tense lips.

"I wouldn't even dream of it." My mouth parted from his to glide my tongue from the base of his neck to his jaw. "But that angry face of yours might do nicely."

Wormtail and Prongs' mock gags echoed across the room.

"Please don't make me feel ill before I have breakfast."

"Can't you see that you're interrupting something?" I moaned, sitting bolt upright – wincing as I did so – and staring them down. My eyes shot to James "Anyway, your girlfriend makes me fill sick breakfast, lunch and dinner. So I don't know what _you're_ complaining about!"

He threw my uniform at me.

"Just get dressed now, because we're about to go"

The day passed slowly after that, my buttocks still throbbing with pain from the last night – I'd made a point to Remus that it was never going to happen again, no matter how much he grovelled at my knees. But as each lesson lapsed into the next, he seemed more distant from our usual playful selves: He wouldn't grip my hand like normal, letting it sit limply in mine with no really effort or passion; when he spoke... _if_ he spoke, it had a pensive slur, never really latching onto the conversation, only making mindless remarks. Even when Lily tried to talk to him he gave simple wistful looks to the other side of the room and paid no attention. Now... now I sat waiting for his glowing face to bound up the stairs to our dorm and snuggle into bed next to me. But no one came. Prongs and Wormtail were there with me, sleeping peacefully. So, _where was he?_ The more I waited, the more his earlier actions chilled me. I hadn't thought anything of them before... yes, before... but now was different... Remus was missing... maybe he had changed his mind about us... maybe he had caught some kind of illness... Maybe... Maybe...

A sudden realisation hit me in the face, a fifty ton slab of consciousness falling on my head. Moony! Moons! THE FUCKING MOON! HOW HAD I LET IT SLIP MY MIND SO EASILY? HE WAS TERRIFIED OF WHAT THE MOON DID TO HIM AND I OF ALL PEOPLE SHOULD HAVE KNOWN!

Leapt from my bed and snatched the invisibility cloak from the side of James' bed. It would take too much time and effort to wake him up to go with me and I was not going to leave Moony alone for any longer than was strictly necessary.


	13. Chapter 13

**Back in the good ol' present... Enjoy and review if you wanna ;)**

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The flat was empty, alone. Remus had gone to get food – He didn't want anybody else to see me as it might become dangerous for our situation – and left me to rummage through our things. Well... he left me to sit down and do nothing... but I decided that snooping was more fun. He owned so many interesting things, all small and intricate, but the possession that intrigued me most was neither expensive nor magical. A shoe box: a shoe box bound closed with belts and ribbons, all carefully wound around one another; a shoe box that he kept secret and out of my grasp; a shoe box that he seemed to love almost as much as me. I wanted it, I wanted to see what was inside, what wonder awaited beneath the worn cardboard lid.

But, when I opened the top, trailing leather and silk across the bed, what lay inside was nothing as I imagined.

Letters. 146. Exactly – I would know. They were _those_ letters. The one's I thought he'd forgotten, burned, threw away. The one's I thought he never read, all open in chronicle order as I spread them around me on the bedroom floor; all paired with an extra piece of paper, the replies that he never sent.

_To my Remus,_

_I know you must have heard the whole story by now (or one side of it, at least) and, well, I don't know what to say; too terrified of digging myself a deeper hole, to find the word's that will make you understand, make you hate me less. _

_Though, as a result of what happened those days, I'm uncertain that I can believe in true friendship anymore. But, please, for the sake of my faith in love and prevailing happiness, believe me when I say: If I could have destroyed Wormtail, I would have. As for the other line of the story, I think you're clever enough to work it out. _

_I will write to you with every piece of parchment I receive until you find it in your heart to forgive me._

_Always thinking of you,_

_Sirius x_

_To the foul monster that resides in the stone heart of Sirius Black,_

_How couldn't I have heard the whole story of the beast that betrayed one of his best friends, his friend's wife and small child, and completely obliterated the other? And I do believe you would have destroyed him if you could have, but you managed to leave a finger. It seems you've just decided to take up the ways of your family. Three cheers for the disgrace that is the Black family._

_Besides, what does it matter that you don't believe in true friendship? How do you expect me to believe in either, you ogre? I hope you die rotting in that hole, surrounded by all those meaningless pieces of parchment that you seem to think will change time._

_You don't even deserve to look at me, let alone own me._

_Remus_

That was the first I ever sent him; my first month in Azkaban. It hurt to read what he thought. I could still feel every tremor that shook me as I'd tried to grasp the words that hung so lifelessly in front of my 22-year-old face. I'd always imagined that he'd ignored them. It was a painful thought, but if I'd believed that this was what he'd done, how he'd seen me, I'm sure I would have died.

I slid my hand across the mess in front of me, trying to find at least one that hurt a little less. Before I knew it, my hand was hovering over a bulging envelope. Remus' handwriting was scrawled on the front.

_The most beautiful sound in the world. I miss it._

Inside was a single cassette. I'd saved three months worth of letters to get that phone call. He didn't pick up, of course. But just hearing his voice on the answer phone had been enough. I'm sure I spoke for hours, with nothing to say, just because I knew there was a chance he was listening.

I placed the tape in the middle of the bed and carried over the player, dropping it next to me as I sat down. But before I could reach backwards to grab the recording, something smashed behind me. Remus stood in the doorway to our bedroom, shoes swimming in glass and rose wine.

"Sirius... why did... please say it's not... what I think this is..."

I didn't know what to do, so I just stared at him, the troubled glimmer in his eyes digging into my conscience. He strolled over and picked up the cassette.

"You don't need to listen to that. Put the tape player back." He said, voice cold, hard, emotionless.

I grabbed his wrist and pinned him down to the bed, trying to mask my pain with a layer of anger.

"_Why? Why should I?_ I already know what it is, what it says!"

"That's not the point! It's mine and it's my choice of what I do with it! Besides, you can barely hear what it says anymore. There's not any reason."

"So..." I swallowed the lump in my throat "Did you really hate me... that much... that you'd destroy... the sound of my voice?" I loosened my grip on his arms and closed my eyes – I didn't want him to see me cry, especially for something so far in the past. "I'm sorry... I never should... I never should have..." I didn't know how to finish my sentence. I knew I didn't have to apologize anymore. I knew that it was all fine now. But, looking back on the time when he'd tell me that he'd love me no matter what and we'd rejoice in the beauty of our "undying love", I realised how empty the words I'd based the happiness of my teenage years on really were, ready to crumble at my feet.

I stood up and to begin toward the door.

"I never should have... fallen in love with you, Moony."

"Siri... Wait..."

I didn't want to look back, knowing his pained face would turn me into more of a mess than I already was.

"Siri... Siri, I didn't deface it... I... I wore it... I wore it out... because I couldn't... stand being without... you..."

I felt his forehead press itself against my back.

"I'm sorry"


	14. Chapter 14

**It's the past again :D we're fixing a broken Rems ;) Enjoy my beauts :P**

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The rain pounded on my skin, bruising almost, soaking me through, as I ran to find Remus. If he'd expected us to have come, he may have been in the Forbidden Forest or elsewhere on the grounds and then it'd be near impossible to find him. I just hoped with all my heart that he hadn't done something terrible to someone else or – I shuddered at the mere thought – himself. However, as I drew nearer to the shack, my hopes were torn apart. I couldn't see inside, no, but the smell of fresh blood was ripe in the air, clinging to my conscience, making me feel sick not only at the stench.

He lay in a ball, curled on a cover of scarlet silk: human – The moon was hiding behind a mass of cloud that, I was certain, would not budge until the sun had risen. His hair was dripping red; his clothes slashed and hanging limply from his body; his face, his arms, his legs, every contour of his beautiful frame masked deep with gashes, trickling blood. It was all my fault... Every drop that swam so calmly at my feet... it was all my fault. My body drew weak below the increasing burden, falling to my knees beside him. If it weren't for his subtle breath, I would have thought he was dead, lying so lifelessly on the floor.

"Moony... Moony, what happened?" I muttered but he didn't reply.

My arms grabbed him, pulling his body closer to me, pressing him hard against my chest and refusing to loosen my grasp. If there was a God out there, he was a heartless beast, and if he wasn't, he certainly hated me: having let the most precious thing I had fall from my grip and, when I was able to hold it once more, snatching it from my hands with all the force he had.

I sighed and muttered spells, charms, anything I could think of, into my arms, to try to bring Remus back, to preserve the wonder I loved so dearly, as I made my way from the shack.

I placed him down in the Prefect's Bathroom, the marble floors stinging my bare feet slightly – I'd lost my shoes in the mud trying to get to him and I couldn't find them on the way back. He was awake by then, the bleeding had stopped, his half-clothed body caked in dry blood, as he stared in disgust at the reflection that stood in front of him, his hands gliding over the fresh marks that encased him, in disbelief. I moved closer in a comforting notion, but it seemed to have reverse effect, making his eyes well with tears at our ever differing appearances.

"Rems, don't look at yourself like that. You're beautiful, it doesn't matter what _that thing_ does to you every month."

He turned, not to face me, but to the wall, his words shaking with distain.

"_That thing_ is me, Sirius, no matter what way you look at it."

My yearning arms wrapped themselves around him.

"No, it's not. This... this exquisite angel I have here is the real Remus Lupin. What happens every full moon... that... that's something entirely different."

He sighed "Don't kid yourself, Siri, you were lucky enough to have caught the end of it this time. Imagine what could have happened if you were there: you could have died."

I hugged him tighter.

"And if I wasn't, so could you. Besides, people do crazy things when they're in love, and I'm not going to make an exception."

"But, why? I'm so ugly and you're just so..."

I held his head in my hands and pulled him to kiss me, silencing his quiet protests with the movement of our lips. I drew away and pecked the new scar on his face.

"I fell in love with you, Rems, I'm sure I can fall in love with all your new little friends too. Now, we need to get you cleaned up."

My hand wrapped around his wrist, dragging him toward the bathtub and climbing after him. It was hard to clean his fragile body, trying to avoid each cut, and not to scrub too hard and reveal raw skin.

"You lost a lot of blood. I did try to fix you up the best I could, but you're going to have to go to the infirmary to make sure you don't get any infections."

"Oh, you're such a hero, Pads." He laughed.

I pushed a handful of bubbles into his face and he swam to the other side of the bath.

"Oh, you can't run away from me – I'm too stealthy, like a ninja."

"A ninja and a werewolf, sounds like a fun game" he giggled and submerged himself under the water.

Admittedly, I lost him for a few seconds, until he popped up in front of me, elbows on my knees and his head cupped in his hands, making me jump a little.

"Who's the ninja now?" He grinned.

"Still me. You've just been demoted to the Little Mermaid." I stroked his cheek. "Your hair's still all bloody, I'll get it." My fingers ran through his hair and removed what red was left.

He stood and sat on my lap, presenting his still perfect back to my longing hands. I kissed it and sighed.

"Rems, I love you and don't you ever forget that."

"I love you Sirius Black, I always will, more than you will ever know, no matter what you do, who you are, what you become, you will always be _my_ Sirius. I don't care what we become, you will always belong to me and I will you."

I smirked and ran my tongue over the scar on his face, getting to know that that would present for the rest of his life, if not the rest of our relationship.

"I mean it! I adore you."

I wanted to pull him close, make him mine there and then. But, I knew that with that much emotion coursing through my veins, I would probably break him.


	15. Chapter 15

**Back to the pressent... bla bla bla all the usual crap... Enjoy**

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His soft golden hair warmed my back, playing between my shoulder blades; hot breath sliding down my spine, entrancing my senses. And his tears. Quietly he sobbed, moistening my shirt, making it cling to my skin. I'd hurt him. I'd hurt him and I knew it, as I'd always done in the past and probably always would. Not that I was proud of it. Yet I would never quite let go of the spark that we held and he would forever come back for more: a misguided bear enduring the bee's selfish sting, to taste the divine honey that it endlessly creates. I slid my hand down his arm and intertwined our hands, pulling him to wrap himself around my stomach. And I was the selfish bee that fell in love with the misguided bear.

"You don't need to say sorry, Rems. If anything, it should be me"

I spun around in his now embracing arms and hung from his neck, pressing my forehead to his.

"because it seems falling in love with you may have been the best thing that ever happened to me."

His watery eyes smiled into mine, the pool of blue as beautiful and bright as ever. I furiously kissed his tender lips and let the moment consume me in a world of splendour.

Our bodies parted, panting, twitching, crystal beads of pleasure; of wonderful exhaustion rolling slowly down our skin, glistening in the light. Remus' face held its usual angelic form, closing his eyes as he bent himself into the pale sunshine, letting a slight smile dance across his face.

"I love you, Pads" he whispered into the shining air.

I stroked his unruly blonde hair and kissed his forehead.

"Moons, honey, I'd have to be a fool to forget it."

He beamed, sitting up slightly and resting his head on the side of my arm.

"I guess you're a fool then."

"Who wouldn't think like I did, if they'd read those things? They're horrible!"

"Not all of them... 87... that's a good one."

He tore himself away from me, putting his trousers back on, and skipped across the room to crawl on the floor in search of the supposedly good "87". If I hadn't thought better of it, I would have made some kind of crude comment about him "presenting himself" as he unintentionally wiggled his arse in the air. He shot back up and dashed towards me with a couple of sets of letters.

"Read it... I promise it's a nice one."

_To the wonder that is Remus Lupin,_

_Recently, you've been all that's consumed my dreams, all that's consumed my every waking hour. Your face, your smile seems to be all that lights this dark place. You're a candle, Moony, a flaming torch; the light at the end of a wand; the morning sun; a diamond ring. If I could just call you here for an hour, a minute, a second and let you smile, I'm sure you would let the whole of Azkaban see the light for the first time in years; I'm sure you'd send us all blind with your radiant beauty._

_Seven years, it's been. Seven years. Do you remember the stars? I still see them from the little slot in the wall that they call a "window". "Remember the stars" is what you said "If we're ever apart, remember the stars, because then we'll never be alone knowing we're both looking together." Do you still remember that night we spent together on the hill? I look every night, Moony, every night. I hope that you're looking too._

_I love you, Moons. Don't ever forget that._

_To the fallen angel I miss so much,_

_I don't want to be a light nor the sun, I want to have mine back. What is there to a moonless world? When night-time appears, there is nothing but darkness, only films of black in front of us as we stumble and fail to find our ways._

_There isn't a day gone by that I haven't looked, Siri. At first I thought it would help heal time... and now it seems I only look to find you wandering through the sky. I thought you hadn't remembered the vow we'd made. I only stay awake to think of you, Sirius. I want to remember your touch, your smile, every ring in your delicate hair. I want to know how you are and cook you breakfast and cuddle up to you at night and hear your laughter and see that smirk that suits you so well and I want to feel every ounce of the love you have for me. Every single ounce of it. I know you'll never read these, never know how much it hurts to feel these things. I know you love me and the sight of your face will never come too soon the sight of your face will probably never come, so I will live with these photos and these words until the pain stops... until we're reunited in death._

_Much love,_

_A lonely Remus Lupin._

He'd neatly piled a stack of letters next to me, all crinkled and worn from time, fraying slightly at the edges, his nose presently burrowed in one, apparently confused by the mass of scribbles and crossings out. I laughed, squeezed his head and planted a kiss on the top of it as he turned a flustered cherry, squirming in my arms.

"You're a truly beautiful human being, Rems, utterly gorgeous!"

"Siriuuuuuus," he writhed and pulled his head up so I was now cuddling his neck "This is actually starting to hurt now. Would you mind loosening your grip a little?"

I let go for a short while to let him catch his breath and pull him onto my lap, before hugging him even tighter.

"Never again! I hope you know I'm gonna keep you like this _forever_."

He smirked and snuggled into my arms.

"Fine by me, just let me get comfortable."

I thought I'd fallen asleep in the summer's heat, until I heard a thud, looking up to see the Weasley's old owl, Errol, slumped in a weak mess on the floor of our bed room. A small piece of parchment glowed between his claws.


	16. Chapter 16

**Gotta love dares ;)... back in the past again... Review if you wanna :P Enjoy...**

* * *

Remus was sat on my lap, his head rolled back over my shoulder as I breathed sweet kisses down his slender neck. The other two were perching in front of us, Peter settling a rather repulsed expression on his piggish face. Ever since the night Remus had gained his apparently ghoulish scars, Peter had become more and more adhered to his backwards opinions of our relationship, threatened slightly by manliness they emitted. Personally, I thought they fitted him nicely, the one on his face gliding pleasantly over his nose, a delicate valley cutting smoothly through his features, beautiful to the touch of my finger tips. He snuggled himself further into my arms and laughed at Peter's disgusted mumbles, presenting his collar for more endeared kisses.

"Siri, that feels wonderful."

I pressed the arc of my nose against him, my hair scattering irritatingly over my face, and grinned "Aren't I just simply irresistible?" before returning to my heated love session with his neck. His body shuddered, clearly enjoying itself, as I continued to indulge on him, until my hair fell further over my face and decided to home itself on my tongue. I drew back and rested my mouth to his ear.

"My hair is going everywhere, it's annoying. Do you think it looks ok?"

A quiet laugh rippled down him.

"Man up, Pads."

I ran my fingers through the gently spun gold that resided defiantly on his head, pecking his shoulder.

"You're a fine one to talk, my beautiful mermaid princess"

"I don't _need_ to "man up" because I'm the feminine one and we both know that. But you, on the other hand, are not – you need to assert your dominance."

I smirked and flipped him around, pinning is fragile body to the floor, dominance asserted. He pulled me in, melting himself beneath my weight, asking for more with his sticky sweet kisses.

"Ah, so you want me to rape you to prove I'm dominant?"

"Whatever you like, Siri, whatever you like."

I nipped at his throat, leaving red marks of love, healing them with my tongue. His pulse throbbed under my lips, twitching, racing to my movements as he gripped my curls, mouth dribbling incoherent emotion, a slur of beautiful nothingness.

"Rape it is!"

His frame wrenched itself up a little, in an enquiring notion.

"Do you want me to scream like its rape, or not bother pretending like I don't enjoy it too?"

"I'd rather you didn't bother." I snarled into his collarbone and frantically pulled open the buttons of his shirt as he struggled impatiently with mine.

"Give it a rest" James sighed, gliding his muscular frame between us and crushing Remus.

I sat back and folded my arms as he rolled onto the floor once more, beginning to converse with me through a language we'd developed from looks.

"I bet you won't be able to keep off each other for a week."

Rems lifted himself upright and pouted a James.

"You're the work of the Devil, Prongs."

Leaning up to him, I held my lips on his shining hair, a hand stretched out behind him, beckoning a deal with James.

"You're on, Potter. I will win. Believe me."

Remus' eyes glistened, a small bead of water that looked surprising like a tear swelled in the crook of his eye. I would have hugged him, if my pride was not hanging itself so unstably on the line.

"James Potter, I have never detested you more in my life."

Peter drew a snide smirk and chuckled at our misfortune.

"How about we stir this up a little more? You two, how about pretending you're dating for this week? It's not as if you're _actually_ seeing Lily yet... so it can't do too much harm."

"No way!" Remus screamed, his voice reverberating around the room, piercing our ears with the high pitch. He'd curled up into a ball, glaring out over his knees, nose poised in the dip between his legs, proof that Wormtail had triumphed.

I winked at James. This could be very fun, considering that it'd be amusing to irritate the superficial bitch that'd stolen him from me and the fact I'd liked him a lot in the first five years of Hogwarts – and, to some extent, still did.

"Sirius Black, you're not accepting it! I forbid you!"

I batted my eyelashes and pulled a sad looking face, the one I used so many times before when I'd asked him for sex. I knew it'd work.

"Fine! But try _anything_ and there will be no more "us", got it?"

"Really, Moons? You know you love me... and I doubt you could get anyone else. Besides, this is purely with the intentions of pissing off Lily." I lied through a smirk, not obviously, not enough for Remus or Peter to notice, but for James' eyes to flash to mine and back again. He knew when I was lying – in the first year, I'd told him about the twitch in my left hand, when he'd riddled me with questions after I'd won a game of poker against a fourth year.

Remus' head emerged from the mix of face and knees and poked arrogantly at the air.

"I could find someone else and you know it."

James tousled his messy black hair and lazily rolled his eyes to look at him.

"If you're so confident, prove yourself."

Before Peter could even contemplate laughing, Remus was looking at him with daggers.

"You're not getting out of this, Pettigrew. You need to prove yourself as well. Go steal Professor Mirella's underwear."

"What, no, that's unfair. All you have guys have to do is snog people for a week. It's not happening."

"Yes it is. Do you think what we're doing is easy? I think you would have worked out how much I love this guy." His gaze snapped to James "Oh, and if you damage my property, I might just damage you in places you'd rather I didn't."

A low whistle slipped from James' lips as he winced at the thought.

"Atta, boy. Rems never breaks his promises." I grinned at the lack of enthusiasm that radiated off him.

"Come on now, Peter needs to complete his dare."

When we got down to the common room, Lily was sat studying, stacks of books beside her. I took it as a prime opportunity and grabbed James, kissing him violently on the lips as she turned to see who had come down the stairs. It was a cruel way to amuse myself, I know, but it was amusement, nonetheless. Moony "ran away" as Lily stood to face me, a gleam of hatred sparking in her eye. Then, she slapped me. The girl _actually_ slapped me.

"How could you do that to Rems?"

"It was only a matter of time – I eat boys for breakfast." I shrugged and strolled hand in hand in hand out of the common room with James to complete Peter's dare.

But, it _was_ Peter.

We _were_ the Marauders.

So, of course,

It ended

In disaster.


	17. Chapter 17

**Well, we sort of realised that we'd both read it wrong and it said "feld Europe" not "to Europe" soooooo :P And if you don't know what an ampersand is, it's this: & ... Enjoy... Review if you wanna ;)**_

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___

I feel it only fit to warn you that the Ministry are currently after you, knowing your whereabouts, they do not yet know of your innocence and will send you straight back to Azkaban with any accomplices you may have (Sorry Remus, that's you). So as family, I would like to instruct you to run, hopefully to Asia where the Ministry has no jurisdiction.

My feet ached, shoes worn, covered by layer upon layer of dry mud. We were lucky enough when we managed to hitchhike with passing vehicles to the next city, town, village, hotel, lodge, bed and breakfast. But the Russian countryside was so vast, everlasting, and we'd been walking for hours... days? I didn't know... I hadn't known for months. I'd masked my vision, my insight, with a film of alcohol and cigarettes to numb the depression this constant need to move, to blur my existence brought. Even if the effects on my body weren't quite apparent, the effects on my mind were – the regular abuse drawing big black dots in my memory, like which pocket I'd put my wallet in and how the hell I'd suddenly gotten into this hotel room. It was like being in a dream world, everything changing so quickly in little bursts and flashes when I began to sober up. I scrambled across the floor to the mini bar that was glowing in the corner like a holy shrine, spotting the orangey sparkle of a fun sized bottle of whiskey. Remus' eyes were instantly on my back, towering behind me.

"Put it back, Sirius."

Turning to face him, I clutched the bottle to my chest protectively, eyes melting into his.

"Please, Moons."

"No pleases. Put it back right this second."

I thrust the bottle into the fridge and stood, marching off – slightly unsteadily, might I add – to the bed to grab a jacket.

"Whatever you say, Moony, whatever you say. I'm off to the_ real_ bar now. See ya later..." I scowled, pausing at the door and glancing back. "...Maybe..."

Even though the hotel was big, it was nothing elaborate, characterised by row upon row of small brown doors with shiny chrome numbers screwed to the front, and a worn, dark green carpet that, in the dim light, was indistinguishable from the walls – meaning on more than one occasion, I tried to walk up them. Eventually, after searching the labyrinth of corridors, I found an elevator and leant against it until the doors opened and I fell backwards onto a person waiting inside.

"Fuuuuuuuuck..."

"Woh, woh, woh... Are you alright?" said the female, holding my arms and helping me back up.

She was in her mid to late twenties, supporting a thick Russian accent, lips layered with a mask of fuchsia lipstick and her hair flowing the same shade of gold as Remus'. If I hadn't known better, I'd have thought that they were related.

She smiled at me. "Up or down?"

I stared at the buttons, completely lost.

"Does one of them say 'as far away from Remus Lupin as physically possible'?"

Giggling, with probably the most irritating laugh humanly viable, she reached to the board.

"Down then?"

"Does down have a bar?"

She smirked.

"If it does, you can buy me a drink."

As the night went on, as we consumed more alcohol, she looked increasingly more like Remus through my blurred sight and double vision. Remus if he was wearing a short dress, 3 inch stilettos and a black lace thong, the concept arousing me quite efficiently when it came to it. And now, I was stumbling, half dressed, from her bedroom to mine, trying to make as little noise as I crept in and sprawled myself across the sofa. But before I could even contemplate falling asleep, Rems was shaking me aggressively.

"What do you want?" I groaned, straining to open my eyes.

"Did you _cheat_ on me?"

I chuckled, still quite drunk, sure I couldn't make the situation much worse, feeling myself for where I'd put her number.

"Sure did, but you know it's not the first time and I know I'll be forgiven. Anyway, you should try her – she's almost as good as you."

I flicked the piece of paper up in the air, unable to find any part of him to put it in.

"There you go. I won't be angry. Well, not at least for another two hours or so."

"YOU'RE AN IDIOT, SIRIUS! A FUCKING IDIOT! DO YOU THINK I'D CHEAT ON YOU THAT EASILY? I ACTUALLY VALUE OUR RELATIONSHIP!"

His words burned my ears, splitting my head.

"Moony, can-"

"DON'T CALL ME THAT!"

I propped myself up a little.

"Remus, please, I need a break from this. We've been running for months and we've barely had sex once."

"OH, SO I'M JUST A SEX OBJECT TO YOU, AM I? NICE TO KNOW!"

"Pleeeeease stop shouting, I've got a headache."

"YOU HAVE? IS IT THE ALCOHOL OR WAS SHE A _SCREAMER_?"

I sneered and stood, trying to meet his height but ultimately failing due to genetics.

"A bit of both, actually."

"OH, REALLY, YOU STUPID PIECE OF SHIT?"

"I TOLD YOU TO STOP SHOUTING!"

My fist flew at him. It was an impulse. I didn't know how I'd done it. Or why. I just had.

His nose was now, bleeding, wonky, clearly broken and he was rushing to gather his things, muttering "he's mad... he's just gone insane... why did I ever..? there's something clearly wrong with the man..."

For a minute, I stood in awe at myself, the monstrosity that was Sirius Black. I deserved to be in Azkaban, if not hell it's self. But still, I found myself darting after him, begging him to stay with me, not to leave me, for the sake of what was left of my sanity. He just turned to me and sighed.

"It's through, Sirius. I've had enough of your constant crap. I never should have come."

Then he left. I didn't bother chasing him. I wasn't worthy. Lily had always been right; I'd just pretended she wasn't.

I placed my hand in my pocket and pulled out the ring, staring down at it as it sparkled delicate gold, just like his hair. It was a stupid notion. I'm sure he wouldn't have wanted it anyway – being stuck on one side of an ampersand for the rest of his life. Especially with an ogre like me.

I only took my wallet with me when I left, my wallet and a meaningless lump of metal.


	18. Chapter 18

**Taaa daaa... it's the past again... but I'm sure you've already worked that out... and I don't know why we decided to put the last bit in... but you can judge for yourself... bit of a twist, me thinks ;) Enjoy and review :D**

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It was Saturday, four painful days since the start of our dares, only half a week left to go. And it was getting harder by the minute: Remus shined brightly in the delicate spring sun, ever enticing me with his gentle movements, laughing like bells, hanging his vulnerable body so pleasantly out of the bed covers. It was as if he wanted me to cave in. It was as if the world wanted me to cave in – giving the best weather we'd had in months and blowing calm breezes through his hair, making him seem like the male model off an advert for women's perfume.

I sat in the dorm with James, afraid to go down stairs in case I exploded from a callous build up of suppressed emotion; in case Lily slapped me again – not because she was threatening, but because I liked my face and didn't really want to have her ruin it for me (I was hoping to do that myself with years of binge drinking after I'd left Hogwarts). Looking up, I sighed into the fragrant air that buzzed and hummed with the sound of students out to soak up the recently emerged sun. Up to this point, James had actually played the role of "boyfriend" surprisingly well for some on who was supposedly straight, and, well, we didn't really need to pretend when we were alone – no one was watching and we weren't really bothered. My hands cushioned the back of my head as I lay back on the worn carpet. He slid toward me and rested his chin on the top of his bunched up leg, playing with his toes, positively bored.

"Hey, Pads ... What do you think ..."

I nodded as he wiggled his feet and took in a deep breath.

"... would happen if we actually..."

"If we actually what?"

He spreaded the length of himself out beside mine, supporting his head on his fist, staring pensively behind me.

"... if... we actually... hmm... if we actually... like... Y'know..."

I groaned, frustrated by his vagueness.

"No, no I don't. Start making some sense or I'm gonna give up listening."

His free hand fiddled with the collar of my shirt musingly as he mumbled to himself in incoherent slurs.

"Erm, well..."

"Spit it out, Prongs. I don't have all day... well I do, but that's not the point."

He yanked on it, pulling my face into his, kissing me, lips raging. Instinctively, I wrapped my arms around his neck, lapsing into the mix of dream and reality, running my fingers through his hair. It was shorter, finer than Remus', running like plush carpet below my hands. We weren't pretending anymore. And it scared me. I'd held his hand, kissed his cheeks, his lips, his forehead, as a joke, yes, but never with this much passion; never with this much tongue. His hand slid up my top and pulled it off, baring my naked chest covered in the little red marks I'd created with Remus. I froze. This wasn't right. As much as my head, my groin wanted this. It just wasn't right. Noticing my discomfort, he stopped and gave me a quizzical look.

"Why?" I muttered "Why are we doing this?"

He giggled.

"Why not? I know it's what you want and if I'm going to be gay for a week, I might as well try it out. It sounds... fun!"

I glided my hand across the floor and collected my shirt, standing to tower over him.

"I'm not that shallow, James. I may seem like a monster to everyone else, but I do _actually_ have a conscience."

He instantly rose to meet my height and hung an arm around my shoulders, running the tips of his fingers down my torso.

"You know you want to."

I glanced at the hand that was dangling limply over my shoulder.

"Take it off, or I'll break it off."

He snatched it back and hugged it protectively, giving me puppy dog eyes.

"C'mon! I only want an insight of what it's like."

"Ok then. What happens is I get hard, I shove it up your arse, you scream and you scream because it hurts so much, Remus never forgives me and I die miserable and alone. Enjoy your insight?"

I pulled my top back on and strolled down the stairs. To hell with my pride, I was going to take Remus back. I didn't care what anyone thought anymore. I knew James would probably try to make me do something stupid again and there was no way I would risk every ounce of my current happiness for an emotionless fling. Besides, he hadn't done his dare yet. He was still totally mine. I didn't want anyone else to touch him like I did, anyway. I'd just stop it before he became tainted by someone else's lips; with someone else's saliva. He would stay a part of me and only me. Only mine. His lips only belonged to me. His lips... he's... only... mine...

A mess of gold consumed by flames met my eyes. I stared in astonishment at the thing I was so close to preventing. Lily. That girl was just infuriating. I swear she was only doing this to spite me – stealing James and then Remus – it was just disgusting. James blew in my ear, making me jump a little, and placed his head on my shoulder.

"You sure you don't wanna take back what you just said?"

I shrugged him of.

"Definite! Now, I think I'd rather not watch this clear violation of breeding laws – it must say somewhere that an angel can't mate with a bitch."

Most of the school corridors were empty, silent. Broken only once by Wormtail's vociferous mannerisms as I stormed past him outside of the Gryffindor common room. The rest of the students I passed were clever enough to notice the dark cloud I was carrying with me, and quietly shuffled around, spreading out as far as they could as not to get infected by the radiation I was emitting. I sighed, leaning against the wall and staring out across the school grounds, unto the mix of subtle blues and vibrant greens, with the odd hint of pink – blossom playing gently in the breeze, perfuming the winds with sweet scents. Yes, the world hated me. It was obvious. For the first time, I did something worthwhile and life threw it right back in my face, without even the good grace to give me a moment's darkness in mourning of my peace of mind. It was useless. I scraped my wild curls from my face and shook them behind my head, trying to sort my thoughts into one neat pile of understanding. But it didn't seem like it was working, the feeling of bewilderment still stagnant in the air, blocking my passages, making my head float.

"Argh! Why is it just ... so...?"

My fist pounded against the wall, hundred year old mortar crumbling into dust beside my hand, echoing around the corridor. This wasn't what I wanted. I was so close, so very close to keeping him mine. But no, that girl had to ruin everything – he'd have to wash his mouth out with bleach before I even thought about kissing him again. A fraction of movement caught me, flickering in the corner of my eye. It was Snape, head stuck voraciously in a spell book, curled in a corner, camouflaged in the background. I opened my mouth to shout something obscene at him, but decided otherwise, lacking the mental stimulation and effort levels. Though, it seemed he'd noticed me as he began to collect his belongings with much celerity and stand to leave. Even in my current state, I still found it amusing that simply my presence could evoke such aversive fear. But, he turned and started toward me, eyes fixed to mine in an unexpectedly warm way.

"Are you alright?"

"What is it to you?" I snarled.

He tapped his index fingers together and looked to the floor.

"Well... usually you would get up and chase me or tease me or beat me up if you saw me sitting there like that and you look pretty down... so, I figured, maybe something had happened between you and Remus... and I was wondering... if he was ok."

"Playing the little antihero, are we?"

His head fell forward a little more, strings of hair flopping in front of his pale face, quivering like a child being scolded.

"But, yes, he is, and it's all your fault."

He snapped to look at me, eyes bulging, puzzled.

"What? How is it _my_ fault? Anyway, isn't that a good thing?"

"No. He was kissing Lily. Putting aside your 'Lilyyyyy, why you no love me?' crap for a moment, it appears that you seem to lack what little prowess is required to catch a Remus Lupin and I find this quite irritating..."

"So you're asking me to steal your boyfriend?"

I let out a loud breath.

"No, let me finish! You, Severus Snape, were supposed to be the one he kissed because I'd much rather have to put up with having your saliva swilling around my mouth when I kissed him than that insufferable bitch's!"

"I'm still lost."

"It was a dare! He had to kiss someone, that wasn't me, to prove himself and it was _supposed_ to be you because I don't hate you half as much as I hate Lily and, if you squint really hard, you might actually be attractive."

His cheeks glowed a sickly shade of pink.

"Thank you for the compliment... I think... but how, pray tell, was I supposed to do that?"

I rolled up my sleeves and brushed my hair behind my ear, preparing myself for what horror I was about to commit.

"Firstly, you catch their eye; make them aware of who you are and what you're doing." My hand stretched out and swirled elegantly before his face until he paid attention to it alone. "Then, you progressively move closer. But in your case, I think you'd need to wash your hair first." Slowly, I shifted my face toward his, up to the point that I was about a centimetre away, continuously following my words. "You let them catch you scent for a moment. You kiss softly... becoming more passionate... add in your tongues." My arm slid around his waist, pulling him in. "And finally," I reached for the door handle behind me. "You go into the broom cupboard."

I reopened the door and stood in the frame, composing myself once more. His dark eyes gazed into mine, unreadable to my unaccustomed eyes.

"So... are we toge-..."

"No. I raped you because I'm pissed off at the moment, and it's entirely your fault, and you enjoyed it because you're a sick little slut. I'm not really sure which one _you_ should be more disturbed by, but I certainly know which one I am."

I closed him in the cupboard and strolled away, placing my head in my hands. I was a despicable human being. Just repulsive. Today had been so many different shades of wrong. I was going to go back to the dorm, sleep and wake up as if none of today ever happened; wake up and find out it had simply been a terrible nightmare.


	19. Chapter 19

**Hello...present again... bla bla bla bla... Enjoy, review if you wanna ;) P.s. please don't die from lack of dialogue :)**

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I awoke curled, a dog, on the doorstep of a house, trying to soak up some of the warmth that was inside, protecting me from the Antarctic winter outside. I should have moved south when I still could. But in these freezing temperatures, I would die along the way, if not before I'd even set out. Stretching and stabling myself on my wiry legs, I moved into the thick ice and attempted to stay upright as I paced the streets in the pastel glow of the early morning sun. Life was harder that I'd thought it'd be without Remus' help and what was ever more concerning was that I'd recently received word from Harry about some disturbing occurrences and had to give the child advice, alone. I'd been pondering over what to do in accordance with this for a couple of days now, wondering whether to go back, support him, in an attempt to work on what Remus had said, reinstate myself as a good person. I'd already started – stopping drinking and smoking, partially as an apology for what I'd done, partially because a dog can't really walk around with a cigarette in its mouth and a bottle of gin in its paws without raising some concern. But, if Remus had really meant what he'd said, none of this would work because, even before I'd stared drinking, I was the biggest dickhead this world had ever seen and I had a strange feeling that I wasn't going to change anytime soon.

As the sun slowly rose higher, more people came from their houses for school, work; dressed in layers and layers of coats, scarves, gloves, woolly hats with bobbles on the top as they made their way out. They avoided the shabby stray dog. I didn't mind, it was better than them inspecting me, than them calling the pound. Sneaking into a small alleyway, I rummaged through the rubbish for what I could call a breakfast. It was neither clean nor particularly appetising, but it was far more and better than I'd received in Azkaban, so I had nothing to complain about. As I gnawed on a rubbery piece of half eaten chicken, I played with my thoughts, skimming through all of the possibilities of what I could do next. I knew I wanted to get out of this country, for a start, back to England, even if it did mean risking getting sent back to Azkaban. Maybe I could worm my way into Remus' heart once more... Or maybe, considering Remus might never forgive me, I could in fact try to steal James back, or Harry – the closest thing I had to James – since he didn't seem to have a Lily. Well, in a couple of years, when it became more legal. Make him trust me; see me as a best friend, and then, I could pounce.

I sighed to myself and nuzzled my head between my paws. My sober conscience was truly sickening. He was just a kid. We had at smallest a 20 year age difference and if I even did think about touching him like that, I'm sure that, when I died, Lily would rip my testicles off and staple them to my forehead. Besides, I wouldn't really want the eyes that she had once possessed staring at me naked, looking at me when I woke up, smiling at me. Maybe if I gorged them out... no... That would... just no. I was not going to elope with Harry Potter, full stop, no matter how desperate I got. I was going to try my best to win back Remus and if that failed... well... I could just be friends with Ja-... Harry... yes... "Friends" is good... moral support. James would like that; I would be looking after his son, like I was supposed to have done 12 years ago. But who was I fooling? I _was going_ to get Remus back, whether he liked it or not. That was just the sort of person I was. But I would still be nice to Harry anyway – it's better to have the closest thing to your best friend, even if part of that thing was once part of Lily, than have nothing at all.

I stood once more and began onto the streets. The ice had started to melt a little in the delicate glare of gold, pale yellow, sparkling modest stars into my eyes, soaking itself up the long matted hair that flowed over my feet. I followed the winding streets, the towering blocks of grey, of sullen shades of beige and burgundy, brought to life by the soft touch of the light. I knew that if I walked for long enough in a straight line, I'd be able to get out of this place – it couldn't go on forever and if it did, I was a fool (but we'd already established that).

Surely enough, the concrete forest thinned into smaller houses and then dispersed completely into wilderness. Fields and fields spread for miles, small tufts of woodland swaying in the breeze. When I found the Hippogriff, I was going to go back. I'd be there for Harry as his only left "relative", but more importantly, be there for Remus, be someone he could truly love. I owed him every ounce of my body, my adoration, my existence and if I got bitterness in return I'd happily take it, take it until the day he loved me once more, take it until the day I died, if needs be. As cliché as I'd made this sound: I wasn't going to let myself lose him again.


	20. Chapter 20

**Baaaaack to the past again... Enjoy ;)**

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Before I'd even noticed the lesson had ended, Peter and Remus had shot out of the room, off to their lunch detentions. James strolled up to me and slapped my back, grinning slightly.

"Well, I'll be off to Sluggers. Shame you're not gonna be there."

I shook my head in laughter.

"Make sure he doesn't catch you and put you in his Slug Club."

"Don't worry, Pads. I'll steer clear of his Slug net."

He turned, chuckling, and made his way out of the classroom.

"And don't be too much of a dickhead to Rems, will you?" I called after him.

Evidently, he hadn't heard me. Or he had and was just pretending not to have, so that he would feel it was acceptable to do it. I sighed and sorted my things. At least if he did, Remus would be crying in my arms and I'd get to "comfort" him all night, as if I wasn't going to anyway.

I paced the grounds. It was such a beautiful day, the sun raining down on the fragile grass, sloping through the arches, playing off the flowers in the yard, and I couldn't share it with him because he was locked away like a princess in a tower. I couldn't understand how he did it every other week, waiting for me and James, it was so lonely. But I suppose that he'd have Peter, not that he was much company. Maybe I could just wait for him below Slughorn's office, try to pass notes to him without the nutty professor noticing. I smiled to myself. That was the best option going – I'd rather not have to run after Lily and her friends for company, they bored me and Lily, well, I think we all knew the back story.

Remus was sat at the opened window, the wind flowing lightly through his hair as he stared wistfully toward the Quidditch pitch. His head rolled and his eyes locked to mine, smiling a little in the corners. I really wanted to jump up and snatch him away with me, to a room where I could fondle to my heart's content with his fair frame. But I had to wait below, veins pulsing for more - like a fat person on a diet, drooling over the window of a cake shop. A small piece of parchment fluttered down to me from his hand and I grasped it in the air.

'This is torture. Get me out, please. X'

I smirked and let a bubble of mutual understanding slip from between my lips. If only I could. If only I could. He sat, gazing down at me intently, wait for a reply. A hand drew my wand from my pocket and I painstakingly wrote an answer backwards in the air.

'smeR ,uoy ssim I'

I don't really think he appreciated the fact that was the most effort I'd ever put into 4 words in my life, because he replied.

'Missing you too Siri, but I don't know what I miss the most. And because I think Prongs might have some way of reading this I might add a little detail, but not yet. Oh and he's annoying me.'

I shook my head.

'?woH'

He didn't reply, clearly distracted by something, maybe James? I saw a flicker of bumbling idiot and realised Slughorn was talking to him. He'd probably noticed the notes and if he hadn't he was trying to make Slug soup out of him. Remus' face pressed against the glass and he drew a line with his fingernail across his throat. It was the notes. Before I even knew it, he was skipping from the foot of the staircase towards me. He'd disturbed Slughorn _that much_? Good on 'im. He strung himself around my neck and dangled there as I wrapped my arms around his dainty waist.

"Ugh! James had me in the corner. It was so awkward. I had to tell him."

He stroked his face over my shoulder and buried it into my colour bone, turning an adorable shade of pink. I ran my fingers through his smooth, shinning hair, smelling the top of his head and placing a kiss tenderly upon it.

"Oh, Rems, don't be ashamed. I love you and you know that – that's all that really matters. I would scream it from the rooftops with all the power in my lungs if I knew that'd be what makes you smile. Don't let James get you down: we all know he's a twat. But you've just gotta get used to it."

A smile played across his face and he pecked the red mark that sat so prominently on my neck.

"You always know just what to say, don't you Siri?"

He pulled away and sighed, interlocking our hands.

"But they're expecting me back, so I'm gonna go."

He marched of back to his detention, ever so often glancing back and me and grinning. He was just the cutest. I wanted so much to steal him and lock him in a room for the rest of his existence, so that I would be one only to see his face, his smile, his eyes of pure liquid beauty; so that he could never run away from me however hard he tried. I laughed. I was such a fool.

A set of small white sticks assembled in the form of a human body slinked towards me, grease glistening in the beating sun. I wasn't in the mood for him.

"If you're looking for Remus, he's in detention and I'm sure he's not going to come down to talk to you."

He blushed and looked to the floor.

"Actually, I was gonna ask you-"

"Whatever it is, the answer is going to be 'Fuck off, Snivellus!' so there's no real point in asking me anything."

"But, I'm trying to be nice to you."

I took a string of his oily hair in my hand and stroked it, almost romantically to anyone who wasn't me.

"What you don't understand, dear Severus, is that the things I – we – do to you are not mere badinage. Why you would want to talk to talk to me in a polite manner is anyone's guess." I mocked.

He sighed and let his eyes point up to the window where Remus was sat.

"You let Peter be your friend and he's fat, ugly and useless."

"He's a Gryffindor: It's allowed. He also isn't infatuated with my boyfriend." I lifted the wand I'd been using to send notes and jabbed it into his stomach. "Now go back to where you came from, before I have to Stupefy your ass there."

"But, I'm not that much since w-"

He flew backwards across the yard and collapsed in a pile against a column. I didn't want to listen to it. The sheer thought made me feel a little sick. I strutted off and waited outside the door to Slughorn's office for a substantial amount of time, trying to think of anything but what I'd done 2 days ago and failing miserably, before James burst out as the weird mutation of a donkey, a duck, a pig and the obnoxious twat that I like to call my best friend. I couldn't help but laugh at his misfortune and Remus' imagination. God, I loved that man. He leapt into my open arms and snuggled himself in my collarbone as if we'd been parted for years.

"Hey, Moony, we have potions next with the Slug. This is going to be awkward."

I grinned as he banged his head against my shoulder, sliding my hand between his and interlocking our fingers, preparing us for the long walk to the dungeon. I had a strange feeling he was going to try to escape.

As we all shuffled in to the classroom, I spotted the pieces of parchment that lay on our desks with "Love potions" scrawled across the front. My body heaved with relief. Thank god it wasn't Veritaserum – I knew we'd have to learn about it sometime soon and I'd rather we didn't. Remus had been stiff for a while since I'd talked to Snape and, with my guilty conscience, I was starting to worry that he'd worked out what had happened. I leant towards him.

"You're going to be the one to drink it." I forced, figuring that if he had, hopefully, this'd make him forget it.

"I'm not complaining."

Although, that wasn't so and when we were told to sort it out into bottles and clear up, I panicked, spilling it into a tiny vial I'd managed to steal and slipping it into my robes, ready for dinner.


	21. Chapter 21

**Taa daaa... the present again... :P Enjoy ;)**

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This was the last place he could be. I'd searched everywhere already, everywhere I could think of in the time I had at least. My mind was a farrago of fear, hope, longing. I wanted find him. So much. But the smell that was receding from my old flat was simply rancid – as if something had died in it and then something else had pissed on that. I slipped my wand from my pocket and pointed it at the lock.

"Alohomora"

The door clicked and rolled open a little, ringing against bottles and bottles of rum, whiskey, vodka, beer. I clambered over them, trying to get deeper into the sea of dirt, the stench growing ever stronger. Remus lay festering in a puddle of his own vomit, a bottle of Southern Comfort hanging limply from one hand and the other with a heap of mouldy sandwich resting in its palm, growing up his arm. He looked dead. His body so lifeless, eyes perfectly closed and lips slightly parted, like an angel. If he was dead, he'd probably got alcohol poisoning or choked in his sleep, peaceful ways to go. And, as bad as this may sound, a small part of me smiled for him. Not because I was glad he was dead, but because maybe, just maybe, there was a chance that he was somewhere better than this, with a new life, without a monster like me to ruin it for him. I knelt beside him and kissed a scar I'd never seen before on his forehead, his face still warm. Maybe there was still some hope. Maybe he'd be able to pull back to me. I sighed, closing my eyes.

"Oh, Rems, what have you done to yourself? You're just... so stupid... How long have you know me and you still think I'm a good example to follow."

His head rolled to the side into a pool of sick, getting chucks of god-knows-what stuck in that that appeared to be a developing beard.

"Ugh, c'mon, pull yourself together, man. Rennervate."

He body violently shifted, but then resumed its unresponsive position, groaning a little, the only sign of life.

"For God's sake... and _what is this_?"

I lifted his hand and reached for a bottle to push the mass of mould that was trying to become one with his hand and possibly the rest of his body.

"Schhhh... schtop..." he dribbled.

I proceeded to jab at the green lump.

"Noooo... iiii... iiiiit's m-my mould faaaaarm!"

His head began to shake, rolling in and out of the sick, splattering orange liquid across the room.

"Stop it, Remus! It's a lump of mould..."

"But it's _my_ lump of mould... my lump of mould..." He began to cry "He's alive and I talk to him. He's my friend. I called him Sirius! Don't take Sirius away, James! Don't take him away!"

"I'm not James, _I'm Sirius_!" I growled. He was annoying when he was drunk.

"I know you are, my furry little friend." His free hand reached out and stroked the sandwich. "See, James, he talks, he talks!" Then he giggled "And he looks like Sirius as well. That bit's his beard and that one's his nose and that piece of tomato can be his lips... but only if you move it in your head." He scrunched up his face. "Has it moved yet, James? Has it moved?"

I got the bottle and flicked the heap of mould across the room.

"Yep, it's moved."

I was not going to be compared to something green and furry, thank you very much.

He opened his eyes and stared in awe at his now empty hand.

"Where'd Sirius go? Did he run away again? Oh, he left me." He started to cry once more. "He ran off with Snape another time, didn't he? The bastard, he should just rot in a hole!"

"Excuse me, I'm here! I'm not a mouldy sandwich! I'm not eloping with Snape! Get a grip!"

"Oh, hey Siri! I'm supposed to hate you, aren't I?"

I smirked and shook my head.

"Whatever floats your boat, honey, whatever floats your boat. Now, we need to clean you up, don't we?"

Taking his hand and levering him out of his sick onto my shoulder, I lead him to the bathroom and dropped him in the bath. He attempted to scramble out as soon as I aguamentied some water over where he was sitting, giving me quite a struggle while I tried to remove what horror was stuck to the back he'd been lying on for what must have been days, if not weeks. In the end, I settled to handing him a family sized bar of chocolate I'd found in one of the many shopping bags littered across the floor, which he quietly ate as I cleaned the rest of him off and gave his hair a good scrubbing.

I lay him down onto the old, moth-eaten bed that we hadn't used in at least 12 years, planting a sweet kiss on his forehead. Today had been long, hard: I'd cleaned the house back into something that could be lived in and Remus back into something that was almost alive. I wasn't sure if he'd remember I was there or how I'd helped him. But it didn't really matter, because now I knew that at least he was safe, or as safe as he could be for the moment. I stood in the doorway and smiled back at his sleeping body.

"Sweet dreams, Rems. I won't be back for quite a while – I have one promise left and I don't want to break it."

The door creaked to a close behind me. I heard a murmur of sound.

"Wait... Sirius"

I turned and pushed the door open a little, to make sure I wasn't thinking things.

"Why are you going?" he said, voice small, quiet, a little burble of sound as he stared at me with his glowing blue eyes.

"You said I should be nicer to Harry and at the moment he's not in the best of places. He needs my support."

His eyes bulged and he pouted.

"But I need your support."

"You're a grown man, Rems. Don't drink yourself to death." I laughed to hide my genuine fear. "I love you, I'll be back sometime in the next month to check on you. Stay well."

I closed the door on him and walked away. Maybe there was a chance he'd remember me.


	22. Chapter 22

**Past again... Enjoy... or not, as the case may be...**

* * *

We were sat on Remus' bed, his eyes shining dreamily into mine, doing nothing at all, but simply enjoying each other's presence. His shirt hung open, bearing his pale chest, and his hair glowed incandescent honey. I laughed to myself, leaning closer to his wonderful face and running a hand up his leg to stroke his chest, feeling his delicate little scars. A slight movement in his groin area stirred me from my entrancement in his eyes, the feel of his body, making me grin.

"Someone's getting a bit excited here, aren't they? But we need to calm down a bit. At least till they go to sleep." I whispered, nibbling his earlobe, which clearly wasn't helping.

"But, Siri," he whined, "he's _never_ going to fall asleep, _never_. I can't wait for that long."

I playfully rolled my eyes and smirked, pressing myself tighter against him.

"I think I should feed you love potion more often, it does wonders for your libido."

He slid his arms around my neck and assaulted my lips in an onslaught of passion. I really did need to give him this more often. Not that I didn't love the normal Remus, but this version was just so excited and forceful, it sort of gave me an idea of what it would be like to be in a relationship with me. He slid a hand down my back and for my trouser buttons as I moaned into his mouth, causing a disgusted Peter to scurry out of the room. James coughed loudly as if he was about to make some kind of speech and stood, looking down at us.

"I hope you've realised that I'm still here!"

Remus pulled himself from my grasp, parting our bodies a little, and glared at James.

"Well how about this... you could maybe, like, fuck off!"

"Fine, dickhead!" He snarled and stomped his way out of the room, making the floor and walls and possibly the rest of the Gryffindor tower shake.

I grinned and pressed my nose against his shoulder.

"Oh, are you feeling manly today? It's actually pretty hot." My tongue played in the crook of his collar bone. "Now, where were we?"

My eyes stung, my body weak, tired, and my hair dishevelled, I lay sprawled across the bed and sighed into the air, the warm tingle, the taste of liquid love, liquid sunshine, still fresh on my skin, still loitering pleasantly in my mouth.

"We need to do all nighters more often, Rems. That was just..." My head crawled, trying to find the right description. "... fucking amazing!"

"Usually, I would be scared about being tired and not being able to do my work. But if I could spend every night like that with you, I don't think I'd ever want to sleep again." He breathed, clearly too awake for his own good.

I rolled over and placed an effortless kiss on his chest, collecting the dew we created through the past night, which now sparkled in the early sunshine.

"Siri, I think my lips are here."

He pulled me over the length of his body and to his deep red lips, falling into a delicate bit of playtime with his tongue. He reluctantly drew away and sighed.

"We've got Magical Creatures first, right?"

I nodded.

"What time?"

Stretching my arms, I glanced at my watch on the side.

"5 minutes ago."

Remus bolted upright and began to hop about, trying to collect various garments while cussing under his breath. Clearly the potion was starting to wear off.

We entered the forest to find that Slughorn was covering the class. A little bit of me died inside at the sheer embarrassment of having to face a respected teacher – however mad he was – in this sort of state, especially next to Remus who'd managed to get hard over me zipping up his trousers. The eyes of the whole class were now fixed intently on us, muttering, glaring, expressions shocked or disgusted. People like this made me feel sick. I squeezed his hand, kissing the back, and I stepped up onto a box as I cleared my throat.

"Just so I can clear all of this up: I am gay; I am in love with Remus Lupin and I am not going to change for the world. Stop being so shallow. Oh, and if you even consider giving Rems any crap for this, I will personally gorge your eyes out with a blunt spoon. I'm not going to leave him for anyone and I'm not going to let anyone take him away from me." I shot a malicious glance at Snape. "Does anyone not understand?" No one spoke out, so I lowered myself into the cloud of people and strutted towards my bright pink boyfriend.

I sat on the common room sofa, legs open, elbows perched on knees, hands clasped together, biting my index finger. The potion should have worn of completely by now. Please say someone had knocked him out and he'd forgotten the past week or he suddenly suffered from long term memory loss. I felt his warm, slender hands slide over me and rub my shoulders.

"Siri, I'm not really sure how to put this..." He paused and let out a small huff of mock laughter. My body tensed even more. I could tell what was coming next was not going to be good. "If you ever fill me with love potion just so that you can run off on your little games again, I'll rip your dick off and use it to make you into a unicorn."

I flicked a furtive glance across the room, diverting my gaze as he walked to confront me, face to face.

"Rems, I h-haven't done anything of the sort. I don't know what you're talking about. I th-think that maybe the potion's done something to your head, go to the infirmary, get it checked out." I stuttered, my nervousness overwhelming my natural acting ability.

"Oh, the whole thing with Snape is just my imagination then, is it? I don't think I'm _that_ disgusting."

"Clearly it i-"

"Cut it out, Siruis! I know what happened, I know why it happened and I am by no means happy about it, to say the least."

I sighed.

"Yeah... well... what the hell was I supposed to do? You were giving my arch nemesis a tongue bath."

"It was a dare, for fuck's sake! I didn't run off with Snape when you were jerking off James!"

"I was never 'jerking off James'. Stop making it worse than it _actually_ is. I was just frustrated and I took it out on the first person that came to me."

"I don't think I can _actually_ 'make it worse than it _actually_ is', you selfish cunt!" He growled, putting on a voice and scratching quotation marks in the air.

"Well, I guess if that's what you really think about me, maybe I should _actually_ run off with Snape this time."

"Well maybe you _actually_ should, because I'm not sure that I really want you anymore."

"Maybe I _actually_ will because I'm sure if I went out of my way to declare my love for him in front of the whole class he might be a bit grateful." I snarled. He was really starting to get to me.

"YOU MADE ME THE TARGET FOR A SHIT LOAD OF BULLYING AND YOU THINK I SHOULD BE GRATEFUL?"

"ACTUALLY-"

"AND STOP SAYING ACTUALLY!"

"WELL I STOPPED THE RUMORS, DIDN'T I?"

"WHAT SORT OF IDIOT ARE YOU? THEY'RE NOT RUMOURS IF THEY'RE TRUE!"

"FINE, YOU KNOW WHAT, I'M GOING! I CAN'T BE BOTHERED TO DEAL WITH A HORMONALLY IMBALENCED WEREWOLF! GO HAVE A WANK – IT SOUNDS LIKE YOU NEED ONE!"

"OH FINE, YOU CAN GO, I DON'T CARE! RUN OFF YOU SNIVELLUS! IT'S YOUR REPUTATION THAT'S GOING TO BE RUINED, NOT MINE! BESIDES, I DON'T WANT TO BE DATING SOMEONE WHO IS A DISCRIMINATING BASTARD, ANYWAY!"

I got to my feet and stormed out of the room. This is just what I'd worried would happen. But, at least it was over and done with now and I wouldn't be pulling my hair out over when he was going to pounce on me. He already had.


	23. Chapter 23

**La la la la la... back to the present... enjoy ;) **

**Sorry about the delay: Fan Fic decided that it was going to be an arsehole and not let me or Andraste upload for ages - Something to do with some Error on the edit bit ¬¬ But it's all good now ^ ^ so enjoy the fabulousness that is Remus and Sirius ;) Thank you, Fan Fic :D**

* * *

I stood at the foot of the set of flats, staring up to the window where I once lived, heart clenching painfully in my chest, fearing the worst. Icy February danced about my lengths of dark, matted hair, chilling me through, playing nicely with the lump of worry that had slowly penetrated my flesh and taken to defiantly residing itself inside my chest. I removed a hand from my pocket and reached for the handle, fingers twitching, shaking violently, struggling to open the heavy door. He could be dead for all I knew – just because I _left_ him in a good state doesn't mean he'd _stay_ in one. A wave of warm air slipped through the door and I moved inside, making my way apprehensively up 3 flights of stairs, unsure if I was going to make it to the front door before my legs gave way and I was left a heap of anxious mess in the middle of the corridor. I knocked on the door overly enthusiastically, reddening my knuckles, and leaned against the frame, trying to look as calm and composed as I could, fiddling with some buttons on my shirt to accentuate the 'wow factor' I'd receive when he opened it to find me standing there, arms folded, looking positively cool. But rather than that, as the door swung open I was met with a gasp. And not a good gasp - a gasp that sounded like it hurt... for both of us. I winced a little inside my head at the dark look Remus was stabbing my face with.

"Oh... hey, Rems." I gritted my teeth nervously, disguising it as a wonky grin. "I see you're ok then..."

"If you want to call it that... or are you under the impression that I've forgotten what you did in Russia?"

I sighed and stared at him blankly, placing my broken smile back in my pocket. Angry was better than dead. But he must have been completely out of it for the whole conversation we'd had, meaning the repercussions of his drinking were much worse that I'd imagined. I pushed my way into the flat and looked around at the job he'd done, keeping it clean.

"It's more your memory that I'm concerned by." I muttered in to the air that no longer smelt of dead things, but of air freshener and fabric softener.

"OH SO NOW YOU'RE CONCERNED ABOUT ME, HMM? YOU'RE JUST UNBELIEVEABLE!"

I smirked and ran my fingers through my hair, shifting my body so that he could see every tattoo, every mark on my chest that he'd seemed to be loving dearly, over the earlier months, until he was staring at me with such hunger he was almost dribbling. My hand slid down my torso and popped open one more button, snapping him back into reality.

"STOP IT! STOP IT! STOP IT! YOU'VE DONE SO MANY THINGS WRONG! I CAN'T TAKE IT! AND NOW, YOU THINK BY STRIPPING I'M GOING FORGET IT ALL AND FALL INTO YOUR ARMS! IT'S NOT HAPPENING!"

I chuckled.

"It was worth a try. Come on, sit down then."

He shook his head, as if trying to vindicate his thoughts, and collapsed onto the old, tatty sofa that had miraculously appeared out of a heap of dirt when I cleared the apartment more than a month ago.

"Please don't to this to me, Siri. I don't know why you think you can just march in here and mess up my life. If you really loved me, you'd let me go."

"Oh, Rems," I heaved "Only stupid people think that."

I dropped my self beside him, running my fingers through the voluptuary gold that sprouted from his scalp, the occasional strand of fine platinum marking nearly 20 years of 'us'. As pernicious a human being I was, over all the time we'd been together I could never let him go, not completely at least – there would always be a velleity, however small it was, calling me to him in the back of my head. I stroked down his soft, rosy cheeks, my flesh playing in the crevices of his friendly little scars, skin surprisingly untouched by the callous hand of time, unworn by the frequent tracks of tears that had run down them throughout his lifetime. He flicked his face away from me, as if I'd slapped him with a cold flannel. I grabbed his head and clamped it in cupped hands, staring deep into his stunning blue eyes that were glistening with water and dribbling down his wonderful face, looking at every line he'd acquired over the years: the small creases at the front of his eyes he'd earned as a consequence of my cruelty; the dip in his cheeks from years of laughing and smiling with me; the thin streaks on his forehead from his cute little I'm-really-enjoying-this-more-more-more face and, of course, every diverse and extraordinary scar that danced over his beautiful features – I loved them all.

"Please don't hurt me... please... please... please don't get angry at me..." he whimpered, a thousand tones of dread vibrating in his voice.

I grasped him in a bear hug that would put any normal person in a love induced coma.

"Shh shh shh shh... I swear on everything I have and ever have had, I will _never_ hurt you again. You hear that? _Never in the rest of my life. _A month ago, I realised, not for the first time, how much you actually mean to me. I thought I'd killed you, Rems. I thought you were dead. You were flat-out on the floor, surrounded in bottles, marinating in your own sick. I honestly thought I'd destroyed everything that I held dear to me, I'd destroyed you."

"Believe me, Sirius; I'd wanted to have died."

I nodded, composing myself with a deep breath.

"I just can't believe I let you leave and do that to yourself. I mean, you were delusional and crying on and off in odd flashes, insisting that I'd run off with Snape, thinking I was James. I had to clean you up like that, afraid to drown you when I left you, to clean up or get you more chocolate. I felt disgusting."

"Why? You saved my life. I can't live without you, it's obvious. So, why are we like this? Why did it happen?"

I pulled him from our hug and kissed his forehead, smelling the all too familiar scent of his hair. It could be made into a perfume called 'Eau du Remus Lupin' and then I wouldn't have to go a day without sniffing the sweet fragrance he emitted.

"I would take a bullet for you, Rems. Please, please, please come back to me."

I yanked him close once more, nuzzling my head into his collar bone, trying to hide the tears.

"I'm a monster, Rems, and I know it. I don't deserve you. But being like that, seeing you in that state, made me realise that, to live a day without you is like crawling across broken glass for a century."


	24. Chapter 24

**Back in the past for some Snapey action ;) enjoy :D**

* * *

The sun was low in the sky, not quite setting yet but giving everything a deep yellow tinge and casting long shadows across the school yard. I sighed, and I, Sirius Black, was left to pace the corridors once more, as I seemed to have been doing on a frequent basis throughout the past few days. It calmed me, let me think, but it still didn't have the warmness, the happiness, that was captured when I was with friends... when I was with Remus. I rubbed the cold, cream coloured wall and bit my lip. So, what was I going to do now? Would I actually go to Snape? It'd probably make me look a bit fickle and appear quite ironic seen as I'd made a huge speech about how I was not going to let anyone take me away from Rems, no matter what. I slid my hands up my neck and rubbed my chin in thought, listening to the quiet hum of the world around me, the whispering of the wind as it passed around the towers and blew the fluffy patches of cloud on their journeys. Suddenly, the sound of beating footsteps shook through the corridor and a shrill "OI, YOU!" penetrated the peace. Glancing around me, no one was close. It must have come from an entrance nearby and therefore didn't concern me – I was not one to play the hero – I wasn't the one with the shiny red prefect's badge.

"YEAH, YOU, SNIVELLUS!"

Clearly, I'd become a good influence on the people around me. Ah, young people are so easily influenced and it was all the better as the idea of Snape being beaten up by someone about 4 years younger than him was quite amusing.

"DON'T SMILE AT ME, YOU TWAT!"

"Re-Remus... ow, that hurts... w-what are you doing? Let go of me!"

My head flicked up. This was not good. If Remus actually hurt Snape, broke his skin, I'm not sure if he'd be able to live with himself, the possible consequences of what he'd done.

"NO! I HATE YOU, I HATE YOU, I HATE YOU! YOU'VE RUINED MY LIFE!"

I broke into a sprint, looking down every opening there was for the pair.

"Ow ow ow ow ooooooow! Please get of me! It really hurts!"

"SHUT UP! YOU STOLE MY BOYFRIEND!"

CRACK!

I turned the last corner to find Remus sat on top of Severus, his eyes burning with hate as he flailed against the countering force, arms outstretched and scratching at Snape's terrified, broken face, shouting, screaming, hurting my ears.

"What are you doing, Moons? Get off him!"

"FUCK OFF, SIRIUS!"

I grabbed his arms and wrestled him apart from Snape's body.

"NO! You need to grow up – you can't always get your own way!"

He tore himself out of my grasp and gave me an ice cold glare.

"Oh, yeah, I forgot I wasn't you!"

I ignored him, turning to Severus, who was propping himself up against a column. He didn't look at all well, not that he usually did, but now his jaw was wonky and his eyes were red and swelling with tears.

"Are you alright?"

I knelt beside him and craned my head to get a better look at the damage. He didn't reply, just cried at the floor.

"Oh, c'mon, it's gonna be alright. Just let me see."

My fingers lifted his chin up into the light, trying not to hurt him as I did so. He winced a fraction and held his face in the air.

"Ah there, wait a sec. Episkey."

I lightly touched my wand to the side of his face and heard the bone crack together again.

"Done. Does it still hurt?"

His head flopped forward, his shoulders shaking as he quietly sobbed onto my chest, dampening my shirt.

"He... he's just... I thought I was going to die... I've never been so scared in my life... even when you and James... did all those horrible things... I never thought... I never thought... I... never..."

Without even thinking, I wrapped my arms around him, pecking the top of his head and rubbing his back, too used to comforting Remus. He slowly lifted his face, eyes still closed, the tracks of his tears glistening in the light of the slowly dying sun, and wrapped his arms carefully around my neck, leaning closer towards my face. Before I even knew it, we were kissing. I hadn't even thought of this happening again: not in my weirdest dreams; not in my oddest nightmares; especially not with him coming to me. But somehow, it seemed slightly nostalgic, so much like the first time Remus kissed me, but with the roles reversed. Maybe this was a sign that it could become something beautiful, or... maybe I'd just lost myself in a kiss with an overly upset boy. But still, I could use this as an opportunity – being alone wasn't fun and making Remus so jealous he'd be begging me to come back to him, well that could be. Our lips parted and Severus blossomed a sickly pink, biting his lip.

"Did I just do something really stupid?"

This was my chance and I leapt at it, delicately slipping my hand into his and interlocking our fingers. I nuzzled my head into his cheek, grinning.

"Of course not. Now, let's get you back to your common room."

He sat me on his bed in his dorm and placed himself beside me. It wasn't much different from mine, to be honest, the walls just seemed greyer than that of Gryffindor, when paired with the green of the Slytherins, and there were more mirrors and dark, shiny surfaces. He stretched himself out beside me and sighed into the air that was filled with the sound of his fellow Slytherins, scratching outside the door, curious as to why I was in his dorm. I turned my head and looked at him.

"Are you sure you're alright?"

He grinned.

"Yes, I'm fine."

"But, are you _sure_? He was scratching your face pretty badly back there. I'd feel terrible if he broke any skin."

"I'm definite. What was that all about, anyway? Just a couple of hours ago you were confessing your love for him and now you're here with me. I don't get it."

I let my eyes wander around the room.

"We'll he clearly doesn't know when to be considerate for what he's got. Besides, he found out what I did to you – anyone would be angry if their boyfriend did that. Sorry about it, by the way." My hands scraped back over my head as I leaned back onto his thin spindly legs. "I just want to wash him out of my hair."

His laugher vibrated through his body and shook me. Then he shot up and retracted his legs, dropping me on his mattress as he frantically searched his draws for something.

"There." He waved a pair of scissors in front of my face. "You can just cut it off. You had it for the whole of your relationship – it can be a symbol of a fresh start."

I drew a hand from behind my head and stroked his cheek.

"You're a genius, R-Sev. Would you like to do the honours?"

He pulled me up and bent me over, chopping and brushing my hair until most of it was in a pile at my feet and it was flicking at my ears, the fringe parted at the side, crossing my face in a wave. Looking at myself in the mirror, I smirked.

"You know what, fuck magic, you should style hair for a living. Just sort your own out first."

"Thank you. Now, what do you want to do with all of this?"

He scooped it in handfuls off the floor.

"I have an unsuspecting Remus to drop it on, I think."

I kissed his cheek and took my hair from his hands.

"See ya tomorrow."

I entered the Gryffindor common room, my hand cupped, filled with a mountain of dark brown, curly hair, receiving a few odd looks from my house mates, not really sure if any of them recognised me until a 5th year girl bounded up to me, beaming.

"Hey there, are you new? Is that your p-" Then her face turned into a ball of red and she made a little popping sound as if her voice box was having a spasm, beaconing her friends over. "Oh my God! You cut your hair. Eep eep eep. Can I touch it? Please."

"Yeah, I thought I might _have a new start_." I shot a hurtful glance at Remus, who clearly hadn't noticed I was standing behind him. "But sure, go ahead, it's nothing special."

For about 10 minutes I had half of the girls in Gryffindor wriggling over each other like a swarm of slimy, disgusting, hungry fish, all trying to touch the hair that was left on my head and ask me questions – finally parting when one asked me what I was going to do with the rest of my hair and I offered to give a demonstration.

I turned to stand directly behind Remus, bending and stretching out my arms so that they slid perfectly around his thin frame. My chin rested itself on his shoulder.

"I believe this belongs to you." I added snidely, withdrawing myself and strutting up the stairs to my bed.

I hope that hurt.


	25. Chapter 25

**Back to the present... erm... can't actually remember what happens in this one... so it's probably not anything exciting or significant... but meh... we love Siri and Rems so it's ok ;)**

* * *

I breathed the fresh morning, crisp and trickling down my throat, tingling my senses, charming me back into reality. Remus' forehead pressed against my spine, breathing sweet, somnolent breaths down my back as he shuffled and moved in his sleep, sprawling his lengths across my body and pulling me into a crushing hug, clinging like a koala bear.

"Good morning" I whispered, reaching behind me and stroking the hair on the back of his head.

He didn't reply, instead, squeezed me closer with his arms and legs, stretching his neck over my shoulder and rocking his face against my cheek, clearly still lost in a dream world. I smiled and wombed in the warmth of his grasping arms, never wanting to leave, until a flood of kindness swept over my body. I was going to cook him breakfast, make him feel loved, give him a lie-in, so he'd wake up to a warm plate of food and a happy looking man. Charily, as not to wake him, I slipped from the heat of his body into the biting cold and dressed myself, brushing my hair, shaving and making myself look generally presentable, prior to leaving the bedroom and fumbling through the cupboards for a frying pan.

But before I could even finish putting the eggs and bacon in, Remus stumbled out, yawning and stabilising himself against the door frame, only dressed with a shirt that had been lazily draped over his shoulders and a pair of navy boxer shorts.

"Oh, good... I thought you'd left without saying good bye..." He mumbled, squinting through his fingers, protecting his face from the morning light.

I gave him a friendly grin.

"Nah, only cooking you breakfast – I thought I'd let you sleep. But I will be going later, so don't get your hopes up."

His face fell, as if I'd just told him that I was going for an execution, making me realise how curtly I'd phrased my sentence.

"Oh, Rems, don't give me that look... I _need_ to go..."

"Why? I thought you made it clear yesterday that I was the most important thing to you. What could be more essential than staying with me?"

I prodded the frying food.

"It's Harry – he's in some pretty deep shit and needs my support. You, yourself, told me I needed to be nicer to him."

"Yeah, nice, I never said you should give him a hand job whenever he's feeling a tiny bit stressed."

The grease spat at me, sending burning specs of oil onto my skin – clearly it agreed with Remus.

"I'm not 'giving him a hand job'." I sighed, calmly running my hand under cold water. "He's been having troubles with his scar, is dream about Voldemort a lot and now, to top it all off, he's managed to get entered into the Tri-wizard Tournament." Stepping back to the frying pan, I pushed the now slightly charred bacon and eggs onto 2 separate plates. "I – we – think he's back or at least coming."

A look of liquid guilt trickled from his forehead, slowly making its way toward his chin.

"Ah... I... You... Sorry... Is he really, do you think?"

I nodded, handing him his food.

"I didn't want to believe it at first, either – when I got his letter back in Russia... you'd gone by then, so I couldn't really consult you..."

"Well, I think you've done the right thing so far..." He smiled, pecking my cheek.

"Yeah... at the moment, I think he's just finished the second challenge and managed not to die yet... so things are looking up... ish..."

"How do you know all this? Where are you staying? Please, don't get yourself caught, Siri... I don't want to have to go through the next 12 years like the last." He heaved, eyes searching my face for any signs of caution.

"Don't worry, Rems. I'm staying in a cave near the Hogwarts grounds – yes that means I don't know _everything_ that's going on, but it's safer than strutting around town, whether I'm an animagus or not. And I'm sure, if Dumbledore found me, he wouldn't turn me in."

He put his breakfast down for a moment and wrapped his long, thin arms around me, cradling my head on his collar bone.

"For Merlin's sake, be careful. If you die on me I won't forgive you, I hope you know that."

I grinned at his delicate expression as he drew away.

"I wouldn't even dream of it."

My food lay on my plate, cold and limp. I stared at it, confused at how Remus was eating what I'd cooked without vomiting. He stood to clean his up and I handed him mine.

"I thought I told you not to die on me, Siri. Having your existence sucked out of you by a dementor is only one of the ways you can do it, but starving counts too."

I smirked and placed my food next to me, standing and climbing on to him, nibbling his lips, kissing his face, neck, checking his pulse with my tongue. Then paused, looking up into his crystal pools of blue.

"Why would I starve if I have such a delicious looking Remus Lupin right in front of me?"

He bared his perfect, white teeth and bent down to plant a warm kiss on my open lips.

"Turned cannibal, now, have we?"


	26. Chapter 26

**Back to the past... Well... I always thought that Sirius looked like he should play piano... I think it sorta suits him... so I put it in... I know it doesn't say he does, so all you Harry Potter Nazis don't criticise, but it also doesn't say he doesn't... So I can put it in all I want... Mwa ha ha ha ha! I win ;)**

* * *

I'd been seeing Severus 'secretly' for about a month now. To say I hadn't developed _any_ feelings for him, well, that would be a lie. But most, if not all of these, were extensions of the pity and disgust I felt for him before. And even if there was a small amount of love lingering defiantly in the mess that I called my heart, it was nothing compared to the longing and hunger I felt for what I wish was still my Remus Lupin.

I spread the sheet music I'd bought on many of my rendezvous around Muggle London with Rems, out on the piano. I'd never had the time to learn them before, running wildly after him, and he'd never heard me play. So, I considered this as an occasion to finally finish what I'd started. I unfolded my hands out on the cold white keys and let them dance across in a mix of black, white and skin, along with the arching and waving of the music, sound playing off the walls of the music room on the 5th floor, inviting passing students to watch and listen, with warm hands.

Snape slinked in and sat next to me on the stool, leaning his head against my arm as if he was cute, as if this was for him.

"That's beautiful." He sighed, pushing away students with disgust at the growing appearance of our relationship, as I brought the song to a cadence. "How did you learn to play like that? Music is a Muggle sort of thing – I doubt your parents would let you be taught."

"Whoever said they _let_ me? I taught myself of course. Look, it's easy."

I flicked a grin in his direction, lifted him up onto my lap and rested my head on his shoulder, sliding my hands on top of his so he could shadow my movements, just in case Remus happened to be passing.

"I'm sure you know all about the crap with middle C on the actual key board... and I find it's best to learn where they are on the manuscript and work from there." My hand jabbed at the paper, to the gap below the bottom line and the 3rd gap up, then to the start of the stave. "You need to find the key – in this case, it's D flat major. Now follow my hands, it goes: F, D flat, G flat in the right hand with the left going: D flat, G flat, then a chord of D flat and E flat, holding and returning to play 3 more G flats." I demonstrated, letting him follow, professing the rest of the song to him as he copied my every move and every word.

The sparks of sunlight began to burn out, casting vibrant pinks and oranges across the stunning ceiling of the summer's day, pushing shadows and radiance into the room to bounce and sparkle off the shiny ebony of grand piano. I withdrew my hands from the keys and slipped my arms around his waist into a comfortable hug, titling my head to look into the abyss of black that was contained in his eyes.

"I think we should stop there. See it's not that hard, consider these lessons a gift."

From the doorway, a little female voice sprouted, muttering to a friend.

"Who do you think the girl is? I wouldn't mind a gift like that."

Severus, looking quite agitated by this, spun around and sat facing me on my lap, sloping his pale, slender arms around my neck and attacking my lips. In times like these, I really realised how similar him and Remus' tolerance to jealousy was.

"How about I give you a gift back in my dorm in, like," He glanced at an imaginary watch "Now?"

I stood, letting him slip down my legs and leaning to kiss his forehead.

"If that gift involves your arse, I'm all up for it."

When I'd finally managed to get back to dorm, Remus had been waiting for me, ready to pounce into an argument about Snape and then trying to convince me that he was dating Lily Evans, of all people. Which failed, might I add, because 1) James considered Lily his and was prepared to eat the hands of any man that tried to get near to her, 2) along with the first theory, Remus still had hands and 3) it, just, no, they were too good friends. I sat under my bed covers, biting my thumb, as I had been doing for the past 2 hours. But, if they actually were dating, what would happen then? I groaned and slipped out into the humid air, filled with the breath of sticky 16 and 17 year olds, to sit on Remus' trunk and watch him slumber. I sighed.

"Oh, Rems... Can you believe what I've done to? I mean you still sleep so peacefully, but... I don't get it – I don't get why you can resist the urge to jump at me; to stop this... unless, I... was just a huge cover up for your feelings for Lily... I still don't believe that it's true... but..." My heart wrenched. "But... well... maybe I'm just being naive..." Tenderly, through his warm strings of sunshine, fingers played and twisted. "It hurts, Rems, not to know... What are you thinking... dreaming? They must be beautiful... just wonderful... like they _should_ be... with kings and queens and dragons and fairies... How does the prince say he loves you?" I heaved. "I bet it's not by running off with another man..." He rolled, still very much asleep, but flashing his chest... his wonderful, bare chest. My hands burned, itched to touch the pale skin that covered his stunning frame, to kiss it with hot lips. "Please, oh Merlin, it's been a month! A week, fine-ish, but a month is just taking the piss! Why can't you just let me say I'm sorry? Can't we be friends, at least?" I leant my head next to his on the bed and listened to his serene breath and his quietly pumping heart. "Why can't I stop when you ask me to leave you alone?"


	27. Chapter 27

**Present once more... :P**

* * *

I curled in a ball at Remus' feet, trying to sooth the mind of a fretting man with that of an untroubled dog. I'd spent almost half of the last foot of the tournament, waiting, praying that Harry would be fine, with no word to tell me otherwise, until my thoughts were so riddled with fear and despair that I could no longer watch – I'd already seen James dead once in my lifetime and once was quite enough for me. Remus let out a deep sigh, clearly as lost as me, and leaned forward to play his hands soothingly through the fur on my back. I lifted my head and wriggled my muzzle under his arm, in an attempt to comfort both him and myself.

"Please, Sirius. Being a dog isn't helping anybody – Harry will be facing whatever's out there regardless of whether you're in animagus form or not."

Letting out a quiet whimper, my head rested its weight on his perching knee, pursuing the warm fingers of security that only he possessed with my literal puppy dog eyes.

"You know, you're so much nicer as a dog." He grinned, a hand smoothing the dark hair on my head and planting a delicate kiss on the top.

Eager to play with the wonderful lips that hovered above my head, I licked up at his face, trailing a sparkling line of slobber across every feature.

"Oh...Siri, you're just disgusting!"

I leapt up onto the sofa and continued to lap at his writhing, childlike face as he giggled, trying to push me away.

"C'mon, stop, stop, stop!" He laughed "Get off the sofa."

Defiantly resting a proud head on his thighs, I yapped in joy.

"Pleeeeease... Do you know what hell it is removing dog hair from the fabrics?"

My body rolled to lie upside down on the sofa and wriggled, forcefully placing more and more hair in the worn cushions, snout dipping into the gap between his legs.

"You're a bastard." He grumbled, caressing the fine, wispy hair on my stomach.

I opened my mouth to yawn, tongue falling out and nearly covering my eye with drool.

"Oh, Siri! How proud your mother must be at your classiness – the Ancient and Noble House of Black reduced to dribbling over themselves and pissing up lampposts."

My torso twisted and turned until I found a comfortable position on top of him, sinking into the familiar smell of Remus' clothes and the warmth radiating of his sweet subtle frame, watching him fall quietly asleep beneath me.

A small rap on the door met my waking body, a shift in weight as Remus slid up to see what it was, leaving me to steal the affectionate dip he'd left in the cushions.

"Oh... Albus... What brings you here?"

The low, mellow voice I hadn't heard in a very long while slid through the door.

"I was hoping to talk to you –plural – about Harry..."

My mind popped, exploding with energy – having Dumbledore knocking for you was never good, but it also meant some evil shit was going down and evil shit was my favourite pastime. Without even thinking, I changed back into my normal form and bounded over to the entrance to grasp Remus' shoulder with excitement.

"Rems, you wouldn't mind making the lot of us a cup of tea, would you?" I beamed but he did not reply, looking forward in shock, as if someone had told him that he had only 2 months left to live. My lips stroked the top of his ear. "Please, honey."

He stormed of and returned, almost as quickly as he'd left, to sit beside me in nervous anticipation, squeezing my hand in a knuckle breaking grasp. Our old headmaster took an extended sip, glancing around the room in though and then breathed out, placing the cup on the tea table beside the couch.

"He's fine, Remus, there's no need to break your partner's wrist."

He quickly let go and heaved a sigh of relief, letting me free for a moment to relocate all my little bones back into their sockets, before kindly clasping me again in a tender lock.

"If you don't mind me asking... why are you here?"

"The Order – we need to get it back together." Albus said in his normally calm voice, as always, like he had not noticed the meaning of what he'd just implied.

I felt Remus' nose nuzzle into my shoulder blade and breathe down my back, overly controlled. I knew he could still remember what had happened last time, all the innocent people who'd lost their lives, all the good friends we'd no longer be able to see again. And for a moment, I lost myself in the past, how much we'd love and then argue and then love once more, an evil, never ending circle of distrust and passion mixed into one ugly mess, my thoughts only disrupted by a quiet mutter in my ear and then an empty space beside me. Dumbledore stood and gave a composed smile.

"Oh, and Sirius, would we be able to use Grimmauld Place as head quaters?"

I lead him back out of the house.

"Sure, you do whatever you want with the place. It was nice seeing you again... even with the circumstances."

He slid out of the door, pulling it to a close behind him. My head spun, as I tried to let everything I'd just realised soak in, my mind unready for what met me when I turned into the bedroom to find Remus once more. A gold spec glinted in his hands, smiling up at him from inspecting fingers, face stunned, as if he'd discovered a diamond the size of his head.

"Siri... what's this?"

"Rems... before... before Russia, I bought the ring... because I thought... that maybe I'd ask you... to be my other half... but now... you see... now-"

He broke in on me.

"Now you're not, I get it." His eye looked broken, gazing up at me like a man who'd just lost everything he'd ever had, ever wished for.

I moved over and rubbed a consoling arm around him.

"Rems, you know how the story goes – Voldemort's coming back and no amount of getting married is going to stop it. Harry needs us, we can't just lose focus now, everyone depending on us."

He sighed and looked away. "Isn't that more of a reason? If I'm going to die, I want to do it with the man I love."

"Don't think like that, Rems."

"No, it's true. Anyway, why do you have to always be the one to save the day? Can't you just be a normal human being for once, not a super hero?"

I smiled warmly and kissed his cheek.

"No one has to know?"

"No one."

"Oh, Rems, I love you," I smirked, slipping off the bed and onto the floor in one swoop, snatching to gold ring as I did so. "Will you marry me... or whatever we do?"

"You're the most romantic man I know, Siri. 'Or whatever we do' you really are hopeless." He smirked down at me.

"Will you please say yes already? My knee's going to give soon."

"You're a fool, was there any doubt that I wouldn't?"

A gleeful wave of tears drove down his face as I slid the gold onto his finger, making him smile, deep, beaming, lighting everything in the area with his radiant beauty. My hands pulled up to cup his stunning face and watch the salty mix of happiness dribble down his face, like a father watches a new born baby.

"I love you, Remus Lupin, with all the passion and longing this heart can bear."


	28. Chapter 28

**Back in the past again for a lovely piss up ;) Curses, Lily -shakes fist in air-**

* * *

I sat in my brand new flat with my all closest friends, life beating warmly against my skin as it had been doing for the past month, laughing, drinking, loosing ourselves in the summer air. Severus was perching nicely on my lap as we muttered incoherent nicknames at each other, a quality Remus and I had lacked throughout or relationship, only made up by the aching love we'd had for each other. But that was all finished now and I was 99.9% sure that I was completely over him, making it easier to be beside him, Lily and the rest of the crew in a sloppy circle, making drunken brownie mixture between us in a plastic bowl on the wooden floor.

James heaved a sigh and stopped mixing for a moment.

"Siriuuuuus, I've been stirring for ages and there are still a load of lumps, you have a go!"

He slid the bowl across the floury gap between us and into my legs, almost collapsing and tipping all of the contents over himself. Pushing Severus to the side for a moment, I snatched the bowl from bellow me and began to vigorously whisk the mixture. A little cough broke next to me, in an all too patronising manner.

"Erm... guys... most of the lumps are _chocolate chips_..."

My head flicked to stare at Remus, who was obviously the only half-sober one in the room, setting off a chorus of "Aaahh, yeeeeeah".

"Weeeeell... I think this needs more" I picked up the bottle to my left and squinted hard, in a failing attempt to read what was on the label "w-h-isk-eye... ey!

"Oh god no, Siri... us... It's going to be disgusting!"

"Disgusting-" My mind wandered for a moment in search of a word that rhymed with 'disgusting'... a very long moment, in which time they had already picked the brownie mix from my lap, started to pour it messily into a baking tray and I'd forgotten what word I was trying to rhyme. "Miranda!"

Lily flashed me a wonky grin.

"It's agreed then!"

"What's agreed?"

"Miranda!"

My eyes bulged and I stared at her as I thought about what we'd just said.

"Yes... Miranda... it's agreed..."

Severus turned to us.

"Miranda?"

"Miranda!" I yelled, as if it was something to rejoice over.

The rest of the group gave me and Lily weird looks: 1) because we were getting along which we'd seldom done until very recently and 2) because MIRANDA! I stretched myself out and rested my head on Severus' legs, cooling me a little in the smouldering heat as his hand twisted rings in my hair. I could have fallen asleep like that, watching the colours dance through the windows, reflect through the glasses and bottles, making waves of crystal and rainbow play across the panels. Listening to the voices of the people I held most dearly, indulging myself in the happiness, the love that surrounded me, I closed my eyes and let a wonderful euphoria flood my senses and control my mind.

I awoke, dark, hot, on the lap off my sleeping Severus, charred, half-eaten brownies littering the floor. Peter and James were talking quietly between themselves, a torch lighting up their faces with pale, eerie light, noticing me and bearing frightening grins. Slowly, I propped myself up, still somewhat intoxicated, and ran a hand through my hair, that was sticking stubbornly to my face with the mass of sweat that was soaking my body.

"Where're Moony and Lily?"

Peter flicked his head to James and shrugged.

"Dunno... I think the last time I saw them... Remus, no, Lily was going to be sick... They're probably in the bathroom..."

A low chuckle shook my body.

"I'll go check on them – I'd rather not have a load of vomit to clear up on one of my first nights here."

Creeping up and steadying myself with the sofa, I moved across the floor, through the kitchen and to the bathroom door. There were sounds coming from inside, so luckily one of them was alive, but they didn't quite sound like the sounds of someone who was particularly well... or doing anything normal for that matter. I pushed down on the handle and let the door roll cautiously open, afraid that I'd find Remus inside, weeping over Lily's corpse. But what met my eyes was quite different: the two were entangled up against the wall that sat back to back with my bedroom, eating each other's faces, at it like rabbits, completely oblivious of the third party that was now watching. My hands burned, itched, to part the two, though all my body would let me do was turn and close the door on them. But it was ok, right? I mean I was totally over him, right..? Totally over him... there was no way I couldn't be... I had a boyfriend... a boyfriend that obviously loved me very much... and I loved him back, right...? I had to... I was totally over... totally... totally...Yes... Severus was the one I loved... It didn't bother me... they could do what they wanted... It wasn't... as if... I still... had any feelings... for Remus... Right?

The 0.01%, that had sat cowering earlier in the day, was now standing proudly in the depths of my heart, moving the percentage like a communist in a sea of deprived students. But, I wasn't going to let it play on my mind as I slinked back to what was left of the group.

"So, what's going on over there?" James called as I placed myself next to Severus who was sitting awkwardly awake.

I forced a pleasant smile. "Oh, not much, I think they're both fine. They're just... chatting at the moment..."

"Weird place to have a chat – a bog, I mean." He let out a hearty laugh and looked back to Peter who was shuffling about, eating the remaining brownies.

I pulled Sev closer to me and placed an uncertain kiss on his lips.

"Do you love me?"

"What?" He breathed between my lips. "Whoever said I didn't?"

"No one... no one... I just wanted to make sure..."


	29. Chapter 29

**Back in the good ol' present... enjoy ;)**

* * *

The house that I'd spent the first 16 miserable years of my life stood as old and tattered as it had been when we'd left it just less than a year ago, still making my nerve ends twitch with fury and boil with hate – I'd really believed Rems when he'd told me we'd never have to come back here again, and what a lie it had been, a little bit of childlike annoyance bubbling beneath my skin, slowly rising above the 'Existence of Lily Evans Potter' mark on irritation graph in my head.

I swung the rotting door open, dusting my hands with peeling paint, and made my way into the slice of hell, the floor boards bearing my weight with a low whine. The little body for Kreacher, popped from a doorway to stare and cuss at my presence, then scatter off to then continue the wonderful job he was doing not cleaning. I breathed the thick, dirty air and sighed.

"I really hate this place."

Remus swivelled to face me, caressing my cheeks with sweet, tender hands, warming me to the core.

"I'm sure I can make it better." He beamed as I stood encapsulated in the wonder of his eyes.

His soft lips played on mine, losing me deeper in his wonder, and, placing my hands on his shoulders, I pulled him further into our kiss, remaining as I always had been: a sybarite to that locked within the very being of Remus Lupin. As his slender arms cradled me, I towed off and placed a tired forehead against his collarbone.

"As stunning as you are, Rems, I'm not sure even you could make this place worthwhile."

He just shook his head and smirked. "I'll be happy you prove you wrong. Now, contact Arthur and Molly – They're some of the first people we need around here."

I let an unenthusiastic grin slide out of the corner of my mouth and spread over my face in an unconvincing fashion, making him frown somewhat.

"Sirius, do it... or I will and you'll regret it!" He waved his left hand behind him, the sliver of gold glinting in the dim light, as he began to make his way further into the jungle of rubbish that was Grimmauld Place.

"Ok," I forced, my voice resignedly hauling out, dragging its knuckles along the floor in a limp fashion. "But I wouldn't regret it as such, it's just better to not have people jumping about when we have something serious to get on with."

He flicked a little snort of laughter in my direction, continuing down the corridor. "Oh, I have, Siri. Oh, I have."

Not much time later, my though patterns were severed by the shrill yell of a mother I wished I'd never had, smouldering in my ears, so loud I was surprised the house didn't collapse.

"_You_!" The voice called, with all the distaste that could possibly slip from the tongue of any human being. "A FILTHY HALF-BREED IN MY HOUSE! GET OUT, GET OUT, GET OUT!"

I turned the corner to see Remus stood in front of the portrait, the edge of his knuckles brushing across the canvas in an almost charming manner, a calm contrast to the image writhing and cussing below his touch. She looked greener, more unwell than ever, eyes hollow, dark; black pits dug into the front of her face. For a moment I felt a small twinge of sympathy stab the base of my stomach for the woman so worn and horrifying, but was quickly dismayed by the fact that she'd destroyed what should have been some of the happiest years of my life and the chance that the portrait artist most probably hated her, like any other sane person in this world.

"GET YOUR FILTHY HANDS OFF ME! YOU ARE NOT WORTHY, YOU REVOLTING HALF-BREED! SIRIUS, YOU VILE WORTHLESS CHILD I EVER HAD, HOW DARE YOU! HOW VERY DARE YOU PROPOSE TO THAT _MONSTER_, A MAN AT VERY LEAST!"

I slid toward the pair, placing a hand on Remus' shoulder and slipping my mother a snide grin.

"Oh, mummy, he _is_ a monster, just in places I'd rather not converse with you over. Though I'm sure you'll hear it enough over the passing nights... and possibly days..." My mind danced for a bit with the face she was pulling, thinking of something more to fuel the fire that was playing in her expressions. "... In your bed..."

I left a little kiss on Remus' cheek and left once more in order to search for things I'd like to burn, possibly starting with the front door and letting it course through the whole house. Quite abruptly, the old woman's course, haggish voice halted with neither a struggle nor as much as an ear splitting scream, meaning we'd won... well... she'd given up... but it still mean Sirius and Remus: 1, "Mummy Black": nothing.

I was waiting in the next room when Remus appeared, read to give him a high-five, the 16-year-old boy inside of me leaping to the surface. He skipped toward me, hunched a little in laughter, face screwed in a childish ball, trying to muffle the laughter, pulling me into a warm hug until we teetered and collapsed onto old, dusty four-poster bed.

"Oh, I feel so welcomed by the 'Ancient and Noble House of Black'" He exhaled, through quiet, breathy fits of laughter.

My hand lifted from my side and stoked his hot, glowing cheek.

"You're beautiful, you know that." I grinned, gazing into his smiling eyes, turning him a shade redder.

"Please don't say things like that without warning – it makes me want to lock you away all for myself... In that cupboard, for example..."

The dark wood shook and moved forward a bit and Remus flashed me an innocent look.

"Well, maybe not _that_ cupboard... but you get my drift..." His eyes shifted across the room. "Anyway, what do you thinks in there?"

I shrugged the shoulder that wasn't under my weight. "Dunno, probably only a boggart, but I think we should get Alistair to check it out – I don't want you dying on me."

He shook his head, masking a sly smile. "Ok, but I want to start sometime."

I didn't reply straight away, basking in the splendour of an exquisite vignette that presented itself on almost every page of my life so far and, hopefully, every other in the future, painting the sides of my maudlin childhood with effulgent colours.

"Well, I'm going to talk to Arthur now." I smiled, sitting, taking one tender glance to my partner before leaving the room.

I don't know what I'd do without him.


	30. Chapter 30

**Oh, Sirius is a tetchy bitch and that's why we love him... or not, as the case may be ;)**

* * *

The light was pale, crisp, slipping through the closed curtains and jumping off the blank walls, glaring into my drowsy eyes. Warm, humid air skipped about the room, swimming and stirring as I paced, the wooden boards only cooling my feet. 5 a.m. My head pounded, sore thoughts, the alcohol from last shrivelling my brain, despite the multiple drinks of water I'd downed in the earlier hours of the day. And still, I couldn't sleep. Not for the pain – I'd felt worse- not even for the heat, but for every time I closed my eyes, all I could see was Remus, Remus and Lily, up against that wall, the wall that partnered with my bedroom, the place that I slept, jerking awkwardly in a drunken jive. I could still feel it, pulsing through the walls, crawling and itching beneath my skin like a sickening rash. Even with the constant calls of love that I'd heard sprout from Severus' mouth, the sensation did not deplete.

I placed the glass down on the work top and sighed. This isn't what I wanted. I would have been fine staying in a faithful relationship with Remus, or a sincere one with Sev, but being stuck in limbo, with nowhere else to flee to, not knowing how to feel or who to feel for. It was living hell. Remus was with Lily and I was with a man I couldn't love. Paced once more, into the bathroom to sit and stare at the spot for a moment; let the thoughts flood my mind. If I'd just intervened, maybe it wouldn't have been like that, maybe I could have played the hero and whisk him away. But if it was truly what he wanted, he would feel even less inclined to take me back if I tore them apart. I pulled the hammer, which I'd been using to destroy the shower guard a few days previously, out from the bath and balanced it in my hands, tossing it to and fro, shifting the weight comfortably between my arms. Oh, I _had_ to tell James, watch his little face fall when he found out the girl he'd fancied for years was screwing Moony up against my bathroom wall just meters from where he'd been sitting, watch his heart shatter into a thousand cruel shards, watch him drive those shards in to Remus' smug face... No, the girl's, she was the one who did it, she's the one who left the disgusting red streak of her virginity, dried, flaking, trickling down the white paint, like crass, brown go-faster-stripes. She made me feel sick. That was my wall, _my fucking wall_. I had to sleep on the other side of that every night, knowing what hell had happened. No amount of bleach could erase that. If I even wanted to, I'd need to strip the paint and then the paper, then line the walls with lead and then paint and then silver and then some more paint and the another layer of lead and the five extra coats of paint and then a plaster and another layer of paint because the bitch was like a malignant tumour. Just repulsive. She fed on my mind, my conscience, and I think she enjoyed it – ruining people's lives – she was like my mother... a young, ginger clone of my mother. The whore could die. She could just die in a fucking hole! Remus could rip her apart when he changed! She deserved it! And, Remus... well... he... he made my blood boil... everything was going fine and he had to do that! I thought I was finally free... finally able to love someone... but no! I didn't want to be alone forever... I didn't want to have to think of him every time I made love to Severus... to get into arguments because I called his name... I wanted to finally be able to be happy!

I charged at the wall, putting all my force, all my weight into the hammer clutched in my hands.

"FUCK"

SMASH

"YOU"

CRACK

"REMUS FUCKING LUPIN!"

My arms swung, pounding, forcing the wall to cave, plaster, paint crumbling at the force, sending spirals of dust up into the air, stinging my eyes and making it hard to breath.

"YOU'RE A FUCKING BASTARD!" I spluttered through the grey cloud.

The bathroom door crept open, a slim figure silhouetted against the dust, cautiously entering the mess.

"S-Sirius... what are you doing?"

I stopped for a moment to glare at the quivering body of my current partner, then started to smash again.

"NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS, SNIVELLUS!"

"P-please... Sirius... It's kind of scary..."

"AM I SUPPOSED TO CARE?"

He slid towards me and rubbed a comforting hand on my arm.

"Come on... just come back to bed..."

"DON'T TOUCH ME, YOU FREAK!"

"Please, Si-"

"JUST GET OUT OF MY SIGHT! DO YOU THINK I COULD LOVE YOU? YOU'RE VILE! YOU'RE NOT REMUS!"

He edged back, slightly awestruck, eyes glistening, letting the flood gate of tears open silently down his face.

"Siri... Sirius... Please just... Sirius..."

"I SAID GET OUT OF MY SIGHT!"

Without a thought, my hands loosened their grip on the hammer, sending it spinning through the air, skimming Severus by mere inches and banging loudly on the floor. He flinched then scurried, vacating my threatening presence, fits of cries sweeping his body, shaking as he ran away. I pulled my wand from my pocket and pointed it fiercely at the collapsing wall.

"BOMBARDA MAXIMA!"

It shattered, opening to a hollow gap, wires trailing, pipes curving within the space. I clambered into the gap and let out a long pained breath. I would do the rest of this with hands, feet, knees, elbows, whatever I could, until there was nothing left of the spot than an empty space where Remus used to be.


	31. Chapter 31

**Present... enjoy :P**

* * *

I'd never felt so welcome in years, living in such closely knit surroundings, the warmth, the happiness that encircled me. It felt like I was finally in a proper family and, as much as I detested this house and its past, I could almost see a happy future in it, once it was clear of everything to do with the Blacks.

I smiled, watching Remus and Molly cook, the pot boiling, swirling wisps of steam into the air, filling the room with the wonderful scent of a group meal, and left the room, satisfied that he was enjoying himself, fitting in delightfully as he should have done. A small fraction of my essence glowed, truthfully happy about the commitment I'd tied myself to, despite what little I knew of how these things worked. But, as quickly as the sensation had come, it dispersed, like a pleasant dream on a summer's night, with the circular lump of cold metal that now pressed uncomfortable against the inside of my palm, paired with a crisp piece of parchment.

'Want it back?'

What the hell was that supposed to mean? Was the man that persuaded me into this really going to return it just like that? After all we'd been through I'd be disgusted if this was just some kind of sick joke and if it wasn't... well... I wasn't quite sure what I'd do with myself... to myself... but death seemed to sound like quite a comfortable antidote at that current point in time...

I leant back against the wall, mind writhing with rough thoughts as I read and reread the little slip over, trying to understand what it meant, hoping that more would come to explain. But it never did, hanging me in awestricken silence. Remus slid from the doorway, handing me a sideways grin, making me sneer.

"You _don't want it_? Are my eyes lying to me or something? Is that really Remus Lupin in there or is he locked in cupboard somewhere?" I growled, thrusting the gold into the depths of my pocket and making my way apart from him, up the dirty wooden staircase.

"Sirius, don't walk away from me! So, you would have rather I'd told her?"

I didn't look back, the tears welling in the pits of my eyes, unable to shake the feeling. "Yes," My body heaved "Rather than be alone."

His warm, caring hand stole my wrist, looking up to me, face playing innocently in his favour, the depths of blue wishing and wooing, moving the tides. "I didn't tell her because I didn't want to make you angry – Giving you the ring was only temporary."

"I guess it's like our engagement then..." I fumed, snatching my arm back and letting the door of my old bedroom slam shut behind me.

I was odd being in there again, the foolish posters I'd stuck all over the walls of girls in bikinis, the bright colours of the Gryffindor flags, back in the time I'd sunk into the snug haze of denial, so warm and soothing, nicer than the reality that awaited me. I could have found a girl, settled down, had kids all by now, if I just hadn't listened to what my brain felt was 'right' and 'wrong', and, you know, maybe if I'd trusted myself a little more not to destroy Lily because of the superficial feelings I'd had for James in the past, they could still be together, together and alive and this would have ended much sooner than now. I sighed and squeezed the arc of my nose, letting fingers slip into my eye sockets and cast an array of multicolour stars across the darkness, odd patterns swishing and swirling within my head.

"Oh, for fuck's sake, Sirius! Open this door and help me!" Remus screamed through the closed door.

I groaned "If you're doing this to try and make me talk to you, it isn't going to work."

"SIRIUS, HELP ME! IT'S SILVER, THE DOORKNOB, I CAN'T LET GO!"

I yanked the door open, forcing him to tumble into the room, his hand still sorely stuck to the handle as I pulled my wand out and chanted 'Finite' at the spot. It released and left him to clutch onto the tender blistering hand, tears dribbling down his face, lacing his cheeks in a crystal flood. My arms reached out to the wreck in front of me, caring not for my momentary lapse in judgement, and called him affectionately into my room. He sobbed into my chest.

"Wh-wh-why do you have a silver doorknob?"

"I honestly have no clue... My parents must have put them in to prevent you from sneaking in..." I breathed down the back of his neck.

His head rose to look at the room around us, all the posters, everything. I felt my cheeks heat, extraordinarily embarrassed by the younger self the man I loved knew nothing of.

"Errrr... I was a kid and I... sort of put... permanent sticking charms on them – ouch, don't hit me – I _can_ think of someone much more tasty who's standing right in front of me." I grinned, placing a kiss on his parting lips and kicking the door shut, ready to make a start on his shirt buttons.

He stopped me with his unscathed hand, but continued to kiss me franticly as I had wanted all week, having to hide it from the Weasleys in cupboards or sneaking around at night. His hands lifted and matted my hair, tensing with the movement below the blister. I parted from him, taking the sore hand and giving him a look – when he hurt I hurt too.

"Sorry, Rems." I whispered into the Black Family crest imprinted into his hand, dark, scarred, like he'd been branded with the mark of evil, weaving and twirling in elaborate stokes.

My family really did repulse me, why, how they thought that brandishing someone was acceptable, I do not know. But the fact that they did it to prevent me from seeing the one person that made me truly happy, would go as far as to hurt him and leave a scar, to remind me of my place in the world. It was despicable.

Before I even noticed myself, something had erupted within me, drawing salt water to run free from my eyes and patter unto the swollen island of red on his palm. Angel tears worked, but I was no angel, just a foolish man who'd fallen in love with the god of divine beauty, the god of the night.

"Episkey" I gurgled, through quiet sobs.

A kind thumb wiped the tears from my face, pulling me inwards to a passionate kiss, his wonderful lips sharing a frantic moment with mine, a long tale of lovers, lost in a sensational fairytale with the love of my life, my best friend, the single entity that mattered most to me in the world. I opened my eyes to see two ginger heads dangling from above, a little blob of pink flesh on a string being quickly drawn upwards as they looked nervously at one another. My body froze. It _had_ to be them to find out, didn't it – The boys often compared to a couple of young, ginger versions of me and James... and... Well... I knew what The Marauders would do if they were presented with such a ripe and exciting fact: humiliate the poor bastards.

Remus flicked round to see what I was staring at, instantly releasing me as the pair's heads slid back up out of view, and drew away, beginning to pace, like a man on death row. I wasn't sure what we'd do. I mean, it was easy enough staying like that so everybody knew, but there would be so many questions, people eager to destroy any moral fibre I had left in me. And Harry... I was certain it would completely obliterate however much respect he would have for me in the future.

I slid my hand into my pocket and thought for a moment, twirling a piece of chain between my fingers until an idea struck me, pulling him towards me.

"I have a solution..." My hands slipped the metal around his neck, dropping the ring to dangle at the end. "If anyone notices, tuck it in your shirt."


	32. Chapter 32

**Past for some more wall bashing ;) Enjoy :D**

* * *

I'd been thumping at the wall for what seemed like ours, making very little gateway, most of my limbs sore and pulsing from the strain, fists, knees, elbows blistering with my work, as I yelled profanities into the darkness. My mentality had gone off course, wandering thoughtlessly into an array of age long upbringings and habits that could not be destroyed by the forceful mindset of a 16-year-old boy, coursing stubbornly through my veins. It was only when a small wave of incoherent sobs flooded through my front door did I pause, stepping into the mess I'd created, ready to yell at the Slytherin I'd shunned from my flat. But what I met at the front door was a face I'd learnt to despise more than my mother's, her wild, red hair up in arms as she panted, looking down at the slender leg that sprawled from behind the doorframe.

"_YOU_!" I bellowed, thrusting a finger in her direction, eyes burning with hate. "You are a vile, disgusting piece of work, if I have ever seen one! Get out of my sight!"

She flicked her head up, swishing the lengths of hair in my direction and staring at me lazily. "Sirius, what are you doing? You know that this is hurting both you, Remus and Severus – just cut it out."

"IT'S ALWAYS "REMS AND SEV, REMS AND SEV, REMS AND SEV"! HE DIDN'T THINK ABOUT ME WHEN HE SHAGGED YOU, WHEN I SAW IT, DID HE?" I paused, inhaling and relaxing my voice. "But you know what, if this is just a game to him, so be it – I'm sure he only did what any _straight_ man would do when offered such a delightful slapper! How much did he pay for your virginity? You know, I think I have a bit left on the floor, take it as souvenir and, maybe, if you're feeling bad about yourself, you can try to shove it back up there!"

I stalked back into the bathroom, adrenaline rushing so happily through my system in a malicious waltz, ever more tantalising with each blow to her heightened ego, as I bent forth to scavenge the floor for the little shard that would slice her conscience in half. I didn't want to make Remus hate me, but it was fun to watch the bitch squirm with nothing to say. I thought she'd left with the leg behind the door, run away from her impending humiliation, but, as pounding feet stormed toward me, it became apparent she hadn't.

"You... You're a... a fucking cunt, Sirius!" The voice called through suppressed weeps and whines, pounding a foot on my back so I collapsed and skidded on my face across the rubble, severing the skin.

My body lay for a moment in shock, unable to move, certain that the voice that trembled and shook above me belonged to Remus, belonged to the man that was supposed to be so rational and kind to even those he disliked; the man who though of only others and not himself; the stunning monster, angel, sensation that I'd fallen in love with; my moon, my sun, my earth, fuelling my life so selflessly, losing me in the wonder that he kept hidden within the closed doors of his heart. The floor became such a friend in those moments, despite its icy touch, much warmer that the feeling that floating over my head.

"What? Are you going to lie there forever?" He said, sterner, more composed.

I nuzzled my head into the lino and sighed. "If it's an option..."

"You're so pathetic!" Kicking my corpse-like body, he groaned. "Just get up! Stop being such a sissy!"

I let out a loud yelp of laughter and swivelled to face him. "Me... the sissy? I think you've got this all wrong!"

"No, you seem to be the only sissy in this room. I can see why your mother hates you!"

"Fuck off, Remus! Don't bring her into this!"

"I can bring her into this all I like! You resembled her so much when you were shouting at Lily, I guess being a touchy arsehole runs in the family!" His face flickered, a snide smirk glinting in the corner of his mouth.

"SHUT UP, REMUS, SHUT UP! I AM NOT LIKE THAT BITCH!"

"Oh, you're in denial." He placed a firm foot on my stomach and pulled on my hair, so I was but a few fierce centimetres from his face. "Prove me wrong..."

This wasn't the Remus I knew or liked, a stranger in my world, something dark that I hadn't met before. My hand slipped into my pocket and slid my wand from within, glancing at the winding piece of wood that had been in my family for generations, I jabbed it into his arched stomach.

"I think I'd prefer to prove you right."

"Oh, how is the sissy going to do it now?" He teased, putting on a childish voice.

"Avada fucking Kadavra!" I hissed through bared teeth, waiting for his death, but nothing came, no spark, no light, nothing.

"Can't even get his spells right! What a kid! C'mon, do it, kill me! KILL ME!"

I shot a surreptitious glance across the room to Severus, as he stood in awe at the door, sweat beads dribbling down his face, clinging protectively to Lily's arm.

"Oh, isn't he going to do it? Too in love with ol' 'Schanps', 'Snapiekins', 'Ickle Sevywevy'? Gazing at him like that, why are you still so angry at me?"

Snape kept his eyes fixed to me, understanding what I'd just implied, letting his head swing from side to side a little.

"Can't even retaliate." Remus sighed, letting me from his grasp and towering over my body, like a god glowering at a peasant. "Just as I said: Pathetic!"

I raised my wand and laughed, head flipping back, like I was manic, almost crying with laughter.

"What, Sirius? What's so damn funny?" He yelled.

My head cocked and bared the grin of a mad man.

"Sectumsempra..."


	33. Chapter 33

I'd spent the past 3 hours pacing through hell, quietly, doing like Kreacher and cleaning nothing, waiting eagerly for Remus to awake. I was scared of what would appoint me downstairs: the people, the words, the questions, the judging eyes, tearing my soul in half. At first, I'd lingered, watched his silent slumber for the moment the lids lifted and we could appear as one, reinforced with the strength of a man used to decades of social abuse. But he continued to sleep, saving energy for the nights ahead, glowing so angelically that I'd dared not disturb the beauty that bounced and waltzed beneath the tender touch of my eyes. I'd left the room as not to stir the pale wonder, the door still a crack open so he didn't have to destroy the warm slender fingers that sprouted from his palms, lazily curled beside his head as he took a silent saunter through his imagination.

I pushed my old bedroom door a fraction to arc my head through the gap and check on my partner. It was empty, bedcovers lazily pushed aside and crumpling against the wall, curtains flapping quietly against the breeze. That bastard had abandoned me. I pulled the handle to a close and pressed my back against the dark wood, heaving a sigh. I should go down... and believe me, I _wanted_ to... but I couldn't trust the eyes... it was bad enough when my family, whom I detested, flicked abominate looks at me... but the idea of my friends' simply terrified me, chilled me through.

My fingers taped against the aged timber, muted somewhat by the dampness that enjoyed to linger in this ancient house, and pondered for a moment, silently listening for sounds of utter disgust floors below me. Stillness. Not even a portrait spoke. No voices reverberating from beneath. I peeled my body from the door to stretch across the flooring, ear pressed intently at the worn boards for any sign of cruel resonance. Still nothing moved. Silence, as if the world had ended around me without my knowledge.

"Sirius... what are you doing?"

My head rolled, looking up the nose of the man 10 years my junior as he strolled to where I had sprawled myself, hair burning as wildly as ever.

"... I think the better question would be what are _you_ doing? _Considering_ this is my part of the house..."

Bill smiled down at me, slightly nervously, eyes flicking down the corridor and back again. "Ladies first..."

"Ah, but gingers just before!"

His eyes rolled, straightening himself as they did so, to tower above me with more dominance. "I've been ridiculed for my hair for as long as I can remember – it really doesn't bother me anymore. Besides, at least I'm not a product of pure-blood Nazism..."

My body concertinaed, propping me up on my legs and staring at him like a child. "You're pure-blood too..."

"Yes, but my children won't be missing toes due to years of incest... Now shut up and get up – everyone's waiting for you downstairs so Snape can start his report..."

"WHAT? WHO? IN MY HOUSE?"

"I said shut up! You sound like your mother! Endure him because, although no one likes him, we need the bastard! Now get off your sorry arse and go down stairs..."

I lifted my body, quite reluctantly, and stumbled towards the railing and looking down the central hole to the tiny heads bobbing below. "What a dick... barely know him and he's already sounding like fucking Remus... how old is he anyway... sounds like he's fucking 50 or something... twat..."

"I can hear you... Now hurry up!"

The decent to the bottom floor couldn't have gone quicker, the 20-year-old pushing me down the stairs at an alarming rate until we hit the last landing and I couldn't turn back even if I wanted to, coming to the conclusion that I should have clung the banister 4 floors earlier and been spared the trouble, effort and embarrassment.

At the bottom of the final flight of stairs, leaning casually against the wall, stood the greasiest sack of crap I'd ever had the humiliation of dating, smirking as I put my foot on the last step and touched the flooring. "Took you long enough... By the way, how's the husband? I'm sure you're enjoying this lovely new life as a house wife. It's quite fitting for you, isn't it?"

"Fuck off, Snivellus. Why are you even here? I'd rather you didn't get grease all over my walls, thanks. I mean I don't need to know where you've been but it seems you leave some kind of snail trail all over the place, it's almost impossible not to find out." I spat, his face itself burning my mind with disgust and hate.

His grin deepened, creating malicious dimples in his pale cheeks. "Because unlike you, Black, I'm _needed_ around here. I'm sure that if you died no one would even notice you were gone. Whereas me... well... I'm sure you can already guess."

"Don't get your hopes up, honey. You're no more loved than me, if not less. Have you given Rems his wolfsbane yet?"

"Yes... All week actually... I've been and out of this house and you haven't even known about it? How pitiful! It's a shame everyone's been hiding this from you. I would have _loved_ to have this conversation with you earlier. But hey... life goes on!"

I turned away, gnawing at my lip in frustration. "I can't be bothered with you. Hurry up with whatever you're doing and get out."

"Awwww... Swiwius... Feeling a bit down hearted, are we? Have I put a bit of a damper on your day?" He smirked, placing a hand on my shoulder in mock sympathy.

"I'm gonna shove a fucking damper up your arse if you don't fuck off!"

"Ohhh... sounds kinky! Better not tell poor ol' Lupin, though – he might have something to say about that..."

I spun on my heel, grabbing his collar and snatching the closest thing to me. "DIDN'T I JUST TELL YOU TO FUCK OFF? DON'T THINK I WON'T BEAT YOU TO DEATH WITH THIS...this... Kreacher?... HOUSE ELF!"

Under my willing force, they were both swinging about and bashing together, looking positively sea sick and out of sorts with each blow. In one hand, Kreacher muttering obscenities about the effects of consorting with blood-traitors on the psyche and, in the other, Severus Snape rambling about how much being beaten with a house elf would permanently scar him and all Gryffindors were stupid brutes.

"What the hell are you doing, Sirius? Put it down..." Remus sighed, appearing from a doorway along the corridor.

I stared at him blankly as he shuffled toward us, scraping his mess of golden honey from his face. "Which one?"

"Both!"

My hands opened and they both came crashing to the floor. I tried my best not to meet the icy burn of his eyes as he gave me a stern look, eyebrow raised as if asking for an explanation.

"I'm not even going to bother working out why you were attacking an old schoolmate with your family house elf but I don't think you should come to this meeting, Sirius. Both the elf and the man look very disturbed. Go do whatever you were doing earlier in the day... I'll talk to you later." He announced, as if I was one of his students – obviously still somehow stuck in teacher mode or the mature mode he'd liked to carry about for as long as I'd known him and maybe before that even.

This day was going to be a long, painful one. I could feel it in the air.


	34. Chapter 34

_I'd watched the spell ripple across your body, tearing your flesh in half, quietly, quietly, beneath the layers of cloth to seep and play on the surface and dance to the floor, dripping from the rafters unto the apartment below._

_When I said I'd love you to death_

_I never meant it like that..._

The train rattled and clicked on the tracks, shaking us from side to side, pistons chugging, breathing sweet bursts of steam into the lazy September air. Remus was sat opposite me, his face pressed against the cold glass in a vain attempt at reducing the crude red hand mark that presented itself on his cheek, watching the world sway past, the drizzle drip from the trees and roll ravines of water down the pane. I wasn't sure what he felt, or if he'd realised that what he'd done with Lily would only cause him more trouble than good – though he'd have to be an idiot not to. And even if he had realised it, if it was just a ploy to get back at me, well, he must have been an even bigger idiot.

I held my head high and huffed through my nose. Dating a greaseball was bad, but dating an idiot was worse. Yet my entirety still yearned for his subtle touch, the warmth, the kindness that glowed so beautifully beneath that ravaged skin. It was almost embarrassing to think that he was all that kept me alive for the past few years. I needed neither food nor water: Remus was the answer to all questions; cure to all illness; the North Star on a dark night. But I couldn't let him get to me as he shuffled delicately beneath his coat and sank into a quiet sleep, so fragile, stunning as ever with his soft veil of gold wafting in front of his face.

The carriage door clicked and rolled to, our short lump of a friend slipping through the gap and placing himself beside Remus.

"Orright, Wormtail?" I smiled, trying to look genuinely happy. "Where you been all this time?"

He shuffled about on his spot, trying to make a comfortable dip in the cushions for the journey and returned his gaze to me. "Chatting to James. Apparently him and Lily have their own carriage for the Head Boy and Girl."

I smirked and lent my head in my hand, staring out of the window at the dreary clouds that hung above. "So, Wonder Boy's got himself his own compartment, eh? The sod..."

My body twisted, resting my arm on the small table stretching from the wall, to a quiet rap on the glass door. A short girl with chocolate brown hair sauntered in, face glowing with a mountain of makeup, clearly put on in a last minute rush during the train ride. A cluster of girls who must have be about two years bellow me gathered around her, pushing her back and rubbing her shoulders as if preparing her for some kind of gruelling task.

"Can I help you, ladies?" I grinned. Oh _yes_, I had another chance to shatter the bastard sitting in front of me.

She looked to the floor, a rose sweep consuming her head. "Ah-Er... H-hi... um... I-I heard that you were... single...? And... Err... well... I was wondering... if... maybe... you'd go out with me..."

I trapped a laugh in the back of my throat – Even after my reputation had been destroyed but the monster that was Remus Lupin, I still had little girls falling at my feet. Rising to my feet, I moved toward the girl that was going to be an implement of death to anything happy he had ever retained, seeing if she would almost meet my standards. "I'd love to."

The girl bounded back to her friends, leaving me in my spot for a moment to consult my _friends_.

"Oh, Remmy... Feeling a bit left out, are we?"

He sighed through a smug smile. "Not in the slightest. Squealing little 15-year-old girls don't bother me... besides, I wouldn't betray myself like that – it's only going to hurt in the long run."

I shrugged the concept off and moved for the door. "Smell ya later, losers. I have birds to play with."

The girl bounded over, grinning like a mad man, and locked her arm in mine, squeezing so hard I was frightened she would rip it off if the train moved and forced us apart. It was odd walking beside someone that wasn't Remus, that wasn't a man, with all the flesh they had, cushioning against my skin, and the strong scent of some kind of perfume. An ugly feeling, if I'd ever had one. I could feel it swilling in my stomach, clenching in my chest, an awkward tingle beneath my skin. It was just wrong for me, I knew it, but it was something I had to do to get back at the bastard and, maybe one day, it might feel right, I might be free.

She flicked a curious look at me and flushed when I glanced down at her. "So..." Her voice bubbled from her mouth. "Aren't you going... to ask me my name?"

My mind swelled for a moment, as if stepping from a dream into reality, still slightly lost in my thoughts, and relaxed. "Oh... yeah... name... sorry my head went for a walk..."

A quiet giggle slipped from her lips and she clung to me tighter. "Don't worry about it... It's Anya, by the way, and oh, there's our carriage." She pointed forward for a moment, letting my eyes drift to the door before lowering her hand.

"YOU WHAT? There is no way in hell I'm going in there with them – I'd rather endure a boring and depressing journey with Remus and fatty before them."

In the carriage where her finger had once pointed were some of the people I detested most, starting with my cousin, Bellatrix Black, and ending with Severus Snape, Lucius, Narcissa and Regulus seated somewhere in between.

Anya giggled once more, something that I'd already started to be annoyed by and shook her head. "No, silly, the one next to it." She freed my arm, letting the blood come back to it and skipped inside to get a spot for us.

The door behind me rolled and clicked shut before an all too familiar voice seeped into my head.

"Sirius?"

I sighed and released the door I was holding, pressing a hand against the glass and miming to the girl waiting within. I hadn't spoken to him in a while. A very long while. And even when we had, it was cold, meaningless. He'd hated me for running away, for leaving him there, being a Gryffindor, and I him, for trying to make me stay a little longer, for being a Slytherin. Before then, we may have almost been classed as friends. But he had always thought inside the box, whereas I had always longed to dance outside it, and there, well that was what was wrong with him.

"What is it, Regulus?" I heaved and turned to face what I once would call 'my baby brother', older now, not quite as tall as me though, with our matching eyes and hair colour.

"I heard about you... everything that happened..."

"And what?" I snapped, glaring at him despite the apparent softness that was lining the corners of his words. "What has that got to do with you, hmm?"

He looked down at his feet, as if this were shameful and breathed "I was just curious as to whether you were alright."

"Whether I'm alright or not is none of your business."

"Yes it is... It doesn't matter that you don't live with us anymore: You're still my big brother. Besides, mum was worried. She was heartbroken when you left – she even burnt you off the tapestry."

I stopped a ball of laughter bouncing up my throat and shook my head in amusement. "That's not heartbroken, Regs, that's hate. And according to that tapestry, no I'm not. So if you'd be so kind, get out of my sight." I turned back and pulled open the door, passing him one final glance a sighing. "See you around..."

"Sirius, don't be like this. You can't heal the wounds of love by falling in love again. Remember-"

The door slid shut midsentence and I dropped myself next to my new girlfriend – a phrase I never thought I'd hear myself saying. But maybe he was right and if he was I'd have to live with it. But I wouldn't give this one more than a week or two, anyway. She was just not my type.


	35. Chapter 35

I cradled in sheets of soft linen like a new born baby, waiting for the one I love to skip past. This place, the place in the house I loved the most when I was a child, you could see all, hear all – not that there was ever anything to see or hear. It had barely changed in the past 30 years, still so warm, soft, still somewhere my mother couldn't find me, somewhere the world wouldn't try to impose on me, somewhere the things I was most afraid of would just disappear. I'd always been a big boy, never afraid of the dark, the moon-like shine that glowed upon the sheets, blue, silver, seeping forth through the cracks, my best friends, the lost shards of the noon day sun. I wanted to crawl between the layers and snuggle in their warmth for a moment, 8 again, adrenaline kicking, closing my eyes and waiting for the excited cry of "Ready or not, here comes spot!" from my brother's mouth, followed by my mother's "Not in the linen cupboard! That's where the house elves and scum go!"

And then I open them once more. 35. He's dead. Naive friend, turned stuck-up adolescent, turned villain, turned unfortunate hero.

I sank further into the cloth to think, fingering the lace that dangled from a table cloth next to my head and keeping an ear out for Remus.

Hours past in the black, or at least what felt like hours, before the quiet, clumsy footsteps of my fiancée came pattering up the stairs, paired with the low muttering that accompanied him when he was divulged in thought.

I slid from the cupboard, ensnaring him in my arms and growling in his ear as I pulled him back in with me. "I've been waiting, Rems..."

My arms released and he spun to face me, a quaint little smirk playing on his lips. "We're you waiting for me this whole time?"

I momentarily switched back to my child self, nodding frantically, as if showing off to a parent.

"But what if you'd got it wrong and grabbed someone else? What if you'd grabbed _Molly_? She'd have your guts for garters..."

I laughed and held him around the waist, warming myself to his touch. "I'd rather I didn't have that image in my head, Rems. And besides, we've been together for an age, do you think there would be any chance I _wouldn't_ know it was you? There was effectively a sign floating above you head."

He moved into me, returning the embrace, receiving a kiss, unchanging, a taste savoured by time, preserved by the undying love that pulsed through our every vein, like a form of wonderful formaldehyde. I let my hands run free, absorb every part of him I could, slyly making their fine way up his shirt. His lips pulled from mine, leaving my entirety longing for more.

"Sirius, where's this going?"

"Everywhere..." I hissed, crawling to continue where we'd just left off, watching him force the gap between us bigger and bigger.

"But what if everyone below hears us?"

"It's my house. If they don't like it, so be it, they can leave."

Remus staggered from the cupboard, thoroughly disorientated and looking like he'd been struck by lightning which sequentially had rolled him inside out to return him back to normal before having his shirt take off and done back up by chimpanzees. Merlin, my fiancée had such grace and charm. I unlike him, waited for a bit so, one, people didn't get suspicious and, two, I could come down looking almost like a respectable citizen.

I steadily made my way down to the first floor, progressively growing more aware of the people below me, conversing in hushed voices as if someone had said something of the utmost interest. Surely, Snivellus' report couldn't have been _that_ interesting. I mean... he was a boring troll.

Mad-eye limped from the lounge, Remus pacing inside, as I came to the hallway, receiving a half hearted nod behind him. I pranced over to him, snatching his waist and dragging him into an overly fiery kiss, considering we'd had sex less than 10 minutes earlier. His arms flung up to my face, prying by lips from his, and giving me a deathly look, as if the world as we knew it had just ended.

"Sirius, they know. Everyone, they know about us. Not much, but enough to make a difference. I think we're just gonna need to come clean and tell them everything."

I stopped for a moment, placing my hand on his chest where the piece of gold resided beneath his shirt. "We're going to be wanting this then, aren't we?"

I removed the ring from the chord and placed it in his palm, watching that beautiful smile of his play itself in the depths of blue, making its way across his face. He grabbed me by the arm and dragged me into the dining room, into the prying eyes of the world, wriggling their way beneath my skin. We stood there for what seemed like an age, locked together, being looked a like some kind of dish served at a wedding, before they cracked me. It was better to get it over and done with than having it hanging in the wakes for the rest of eternity.

I took a deep breath and stared into the crowd of painfully familiar faces. "Ok... so we... don't swing the same way as you guys... erm... we're engaged... so sort of going to get married... sometime... and..." Shit. I didn't have another 'and'. Think, Sirius, use that wonderful little mind of yours. "And we're thinking of adopting... a child..."

Remus flashed me the most disturbed look in the history of man and yanked me as quickly as possible back into the hall.

"What _the hell_ are you playing at?" He hissed through gritted teeth. "We're on the brink of a war, in the _worst possible situation_, and you want to bring a child into it?"

I grinned. Fuck, I messed up again. Act casual... make it up as you go along and maybe he won't slap you. "What I think... is that there's maybe a child out there... magical or not... who'd want to have us as parents... We could protect them, I'm pretty sure this place is shielded against everything – there isn't a nuclear blast out that could knock down my dad's defences."

He rolled his eyes, bubbling over. "And what would happen if one of us _dies_? What would happen if you get whisked back to Azkaban, hmm? I'm a fucking werewolf – can't look after a kid all by myself. Or are you a fuck whit?"

I turned from him trying to work my next strategy... though, it sort of hurt, hearing those words, know he didn't want a child with me, a child with the person he was said to love most in the world. "So... you don't want... Merlin, I'm a dumb ass!"

He sighed, wrapping the caring arms of an angel around my form and placing a sweet kiss on my forehead. "Oh, Siri, I do, I do... I'm just trying to be realistic... The thing I want the most in the world is a family with you... just not now... I'm sorry..."


	36. Chapter 36

The past few months had sidled past almost unbeknownst to me. I'd skipped from partner to partner in that time, none lasting more than a week or so, becoming more of a test-your-strength game in a fairground than an actual relationship. After the first few, people learned how I worked, it worked: first to me on Wednesday and it was your turn to play the prince and break, what I considered, the curse Remus had put on me, with whatever means you felt necessary – whether it was being a romantic or a downright whore, I would take it.

Now November was upon us, breathing icy winds, morning grass so crisp from the cold hand of night, childishly wonderful to tread upon, quietly cracking and warming the soul. The snow gathered upon the ground and rose to meet our ankles, dusting the area with a frosty white icing as we sat in a small horse draw carriage and travelled towards the lake. It was the closest I'd been to Remus in months, his head rested on my shoulder as he slept with the comforting shake of the carriage as it tracked through the snow, unintentionally of course – us being back together was merely a distant dream for me – he'd just happened to roll his head toward me in his sleep, the magnificent bastard. It seemed as if he was almost scared of what I would do at night when he was sleeping, nowadays, and therefore taken to closing the curtains around his bed and placing a multiple charms on them so I couldn't get in. Maybe he'd realised my night-time hobby. But the fact that we were now no more than best friends was growing ever more painfully apparent. I burned to affectionately rub my cheek against his head or kiss the top that rested so very close to my face, though Peter and James were staring at me with a look that said 'touch him and he's going to throw you out of the fucking carriage or break your face', creating a see-through barrier between us, so I could merely watch the silver screen roll my favourite film as the specs of white accumulated from the open top, pinking his nose and cheeks with cold in an almost irresistible fashion.

The cart slid beside a set of carriages, all obviously there to take full usage of the ice on the lake while they still could, while others moved towards Hogsmeade with excited 3rd years bouncing around inside – greatly anticipating their second visit to the village. Even after the journey had stopped, Remus didn't stir. I would have moved and let him come crashing down upon the seat, had I been feeling particularly malicious that day. But I decided to wake him up quietly, delicately shaking his shoulders to slowly pull him from his sleep.

"Oi, Rems... you in there? We're here already. You can get up."

He shuffled a bit, nuzzling himself further into me but not waking.

"Oh, c'mon... Moony... for Merlin's sake! Do you intend to torture me like this for any longer?" I heaved, restraining myself as best I could from dragging him into a wild kiss I'd been hoping to give him for almost a year now. "Please, or I'm going to end up doing something to you, leaving yourself so open like this."

As if those were the magic words, his curtains lifted and he snapped back, facing me and giving me a truly reproachful look. "_What did you do?_"

"No, no, no, nothing at all!" I put my hands up, in almost a surrendering position.

He flicked me another critical look.

"You can ask Prongs and Wormtail if you want." I leapt from the carriage into the snow and turned back to him. "Pick up your skates and be careful on the way down – it's a big drop and you're still a bit sleepy."

"Siiiiiriuuuuuus!" called my current girl, waving from the other side of the pond and skating across to me.

"Ah, Camélia... Wait a sec, I'm gonna put my skates on."

"Help me get down from here." Remus perked from behind, sitting in one of the entrance holes, legs swinging childishly, scarf wrapped half the way up his face, rubbing his hands together to save them from the freezing air. "Please."

"And assist Rems." I called back, facing him and smiling. "So, how do you want to do this?"

"Well, maybe, can I, just, put my hands on your shoulders and..."

I nodded, staring at his groin which was now level with my eyes – I hadn't found myself in this proximity with his crotch in a good while and the mere idea took me off on a bit of a walk around my imagination.

"Ok... don't drop me..."

My mind could not comprehend how lucky I was – being _asked_ to touch him, prop him up, hold his hips as he lowered himself to the floor. I could feel myself drooling inside my mouth, wishing I could just slip my hands up his top, feel him, touch his bare skin, let my fingers bask in the wonder that lay below the layers, but it was all over too soon, his feet on the ground and body free from my grasp.

"_Come_ _on_, Sirius." Camélia sighed, pulling me onto the ice and as far away from Remus as possible. "I thought you two weren't going out."

"That's because we're not."

"Well it certainly _looked_ like you were. If you're not dating, why did you need to help him?"

"Why not?" I growled at her increasing scepticism. "Just because we're not dating any more doesn't mean he isn't one of my best friends."

"Looks like he's using you to me..." She muttered under her breath.

"_What_ did you just say?"

"_Nothing_." Came prancing from her mouth, in a little high-pitched tune, before she pulled me into her and nibbled at my ear. "I was thinking... maybe tonight we could... seen as I only have 3 days left – let's make the most of it..."

"Whatever you say, captain!" I fawned.

"I'll go back to my friends then... see you tonight." She winked, locked lips with me for a moment and skated away.

I felt slightly dirty, wrong, as I had at very first, instantly wiping the taste from my mouth and returning to Peter and Remus, who was sliding about like a baby deer. I didn't want to be like this, continue like this, but this part of me needed to be loved, whether or not there was love going back to the initial sender, it was just a compulsion I could not shake.

"Alright, guys? Having fun?" I smirked, skating backwards, trying to talk to them.

"No!" Remus huffed. "These things are going to kill me."

"Never were one for sports, were you?" I laughed, inviting Peter to join in the mock.

"Shut up and – ah – help!" He slipped a little, clutching my upper arms and using me for support.

"There, you're getting the hang of it." I grinned, a while later when we were both working smoothly together, staring at his face in concentration. "Think you can let..." He looked up and into my eyes, dead straight, their vibrant blue glinting, a small smile shining in the depths. It caught me off guard – he hadn't looked at me like that since back when 'Remus and Sirius' was a pair – my heart clenching, skipping a beat. I stopped in my tracks. "...go?"

Before I knew it, he'd tripped over me, sending us both tumbling onto the ice - me on my back, him sitting on top, hands by my shoulders, looking positively stunned. His hair had grown a lot recently, falling out of the messy ponytail he'd taken to tying it in and framing his face perfectly, gathering crystal specs of snow and sparkling in my eyes. He was an angel; he had to be; the light cloud glowing around his head, the perfect little expression he was pulling, halfway between shock and amusement. I didn't want to leave him like this. I wouldn't want to breathe, I wouldn't want to eat, I wouldn't want to drink without knowing he was beside my side. I didn't want to forget.

I sat up a little to look into the eyes that some wonderful celestial being had handed him, remember every lump, bump, crevice they contained, unsure of when the next time I could look at them so closely would come. It felt like I was absorbing him for hours, but what must have only been a couple of seconds to the rest of the world before my heart took over my mind and every feeling I'd had ever since we parted surged to the surface.

"You're beautiful, Remus..." I muttered, caressing one of the largest scars that ran over his features and sweeping a little of his hair to clear his face.

My eyes shut as I leant further up; finely attacking his lips with my own, holding onto is face with one hand, letting the electricity run through my veins, course round my body, like falling in love with him all over again. And for a moment, I'm sure he felt it too, where his lips moved with mine, kissing me back. The soft touch of his mouth, the quaint ripples of his scars as our skin met, melting me with the delicious tasted I'd yearned for throughout the passing months, heart singing, soaring, with every heartbeat, and each of his own, pulsing quietly in his mouth. It didn't last long, but it was there, savoured on my tongue until the next time... if there was a next time.

And then he slowly pulled away from me, carefully getting up and composing himself as if it had never happened.

Camélia was there already, face filled with revolt, glaring at Remus. "You're a disgusting freak! First you turn him into a homo, just like you, and then you dump him as quickly as you got him! And when he's finally getting over you, you pin him to the ground and make out with him before getting up and pretending like nothing happened! There's a circle of hell for people like you!"

"Cammie... leave him alone, please..."

"No! People need to know about monsters like him!"

I scrambled for a moment and rose to my feet. "I _SAID_ LEAVE HIM ALONE! IT WAS _ALL_ MY FAULT, JUST GIVE IT A BREAK!"

"DON'T TRY TO COVER UP FOR HIM! I TOLD YOU HE WAS USING YOU AND YOU HAVEN'T EVEN NOTICED IT!"

"YOU SAID YOU ONLY HAD 3 DAYS LEFT, GET ANY MORE PISSY WITH ME AND IT'LL BE _NIL_!" I bellowed as my last retort.

She slid across the ice towards me and slapped me hard around the face, eyes smouldering. "Yeah, _there is_ a circle of hell for people like him... And you're in it!"

The crowd that had gathered around the commotion steadily dispersed as familiar had pressing almost comfortingly against my back.

"You shouldn't have done that..." James heaved.

"Which one?"

"Either. Don't be surprised if we find Remus hanging from the rafters when we get back to dorm."


	37. Chapter 37

This place was slowly driving me mad, the grey dampness eating at my mind, head absorbed in painful thoughts of the past, of the cruel legacy my parents left behind, unable to break from this hideousness 'in fear of my freedom', as Remus had once said. But what sort of freedom was this? I was trapped in my own home, whatever way you looked at it the Ministry had me locked up, just not behind thick metal bars this time, but on one side of a cold sheet of glass, without dementors sucking out my will to live but the beauty I couldn't reach. At least in Azkaban there was a thin slit in the wall that would let me breathe the day, the night, feel the breeze in my hair and the winter on my skin, but here, all I could feel was the taste of mothballs clogging my throat. I'd always been someone who'd strived for beauty in whatever form it came, but this place was so lacking, so malicious I could hardly stand it. Even the most beautiful man in my world lost his shine, like the unpolished silver that littered the cupboards, embellished with the same pretentious mark in the centre of his palm. Something told me it was never going to clear, like the one on his chest, still dark against his pale skin after over 20 years, though this wasn't made for the beauty nor the love, but the hate of me and everything I held dear.

I pressed my cheek against the pane, placing a hand on the glass and watching the people roll past oblivious to the sensation of freedom, to the wonder that they unknowingly embraced every day of their ignorant lives.

"Hey, Arthur..." Remus muttered on the other side of the room, shyly as he had done in the past. "Do... you think the Ministry know that Sirius is an animagus?"

My head snapped out, cracking loudly in the motion, before I was bounding happily at his feet, hardly able to believe my ears. Oh, Rems, you're a stunning, stunning human being.

The redhead looked up to him and down to me through his thick, horn-rimmed glasses, then returning his focus back to a coil. "They do... I think... just not what he is yet..."

Remus beamed down at me, scratching the top of my head and shiver with joy as my tail beat at my sides. "You hear that? Let's go for a little walk, okay?"

I was at the door before he could even think about stretching out from his previous scratching position, bouncing at the handle, willing the door open with my mind.

"Wait up, Sirius." He chuckled, opening the door with a warm gust of wind, spiralling dust and cobwebs to the end of the corridor.

This was the taste, the feeling I'd been craving for so long, stretching to open all my senses to the wonder of liberty. I hadn't been in dog form for a while, everything seeming more exciting and vibrant, fascinated by my own tail that flashed and swished about like a big, black feather duster. Moony was on the opposite side of the road, patting his leg and calling me over. I began to skip across the road, and then stopped midstride. Wait... fuck this shit... he's not going to ruin my freedom... that's the whole point of being free...

I hurtled past him into the grassy area, lapping around the park, revelling in the ability to use my legs. I hadn't felt this good in weeks, months, since I'd set foot in that blasted house, the grey in my mind dispersing as the August sun stroked along my back, heating my dark fur with its friendly hands. Remus had sprawled in the light, glowing perfectly, hair intertwined with the grass in a beautiful love story of gold and green. I hadn't seen him stand so boldly since I'd been carted off to Azkaban, finding myself almost breathless, lost in the dizziness I'd felt when I first realised he was the most stunning being that had ever lived. Had I been human, I would have snogged the living daylights out of him, but I settled to simply licking from his chin to his hair line as he protested.

"Go and piss up a tree, Snuffles, anywhere, anything, just stop licking me..."

That was a hard blow. I slumped upright, whining, letting my eyes glisten with hurt tears.

"Sirius, you've got your free time, do something decent with it rather than wasting it here!" He groaned in my direction, wafting a hand about to shoo me off.

I sigh and padded away. What the hell was I supposed to do? Life was only fun when I was with him. Ok... I lied... life was only worth living when I was with him... but there were fun but worthless things I could do... like chase birds... or chase _birds_... or fat kids that looked like Peter, which I was currently participating in with a chubby little blonde girl who was carrying a king-sized bucket of KFC in her arms, her flesh rippling as she quickly waddled away from me, faintly resembling Professor Slughorn.

"DA-DDY! DAAADDY! DADDY, DADDY, DADDY, DADDY!" She screamed as I bounced behind her.

"'Kay, Aimée! Stay righ' there, daddy's comin'!" bellowed a middle-aged man with a beer belly and a shaven head. "It's ok, dogs are like wasps – if you ignore 'em 'ey'll get bored 'nd go 'way!"

The fat girl halted, freezing stiff and clutching the bright red bucket to her chest. I wasn't going to pretend to be a wasp. So I head butted the child into the pond in front of her.

Before I could move from my position of rolling laughing on the dry dirt path, her father had stormed over, grabbing me by the scruff of the neck and carrying me on a parade around the park like some kind of trophy, looking for my owner, completely disregarding my wheezy breaths and squirming. _I thought I was going to die_. Remus stood, glaring at the man.

"Take your greasy hands off my dog!"

The man threw me into a heap at Moony's feet. "Tha' thin' jus' knocked my lil princess inna the pond! Pu' 'im on a fuckin' leash, ya stu'id nob!"

I snarled up at the beast – no one who could barely speak English had the right to call anyone else stupid, let alone _my_ Remus.

"_That_ _thing_ is my dog! Maybe your '_lil_ princess' was in the way, isn't he big enough to see coming?"

The man's fist balled, a thick blue vein pumping to the surface, ready to attack, stepping closer. "I'm sure tha' thin' is on the dangerous dogs list, th' way 'e wos runnin' after ma gal like tha'!"

"It will be in a minute if you don't shut your trap." Remus huffed.

"Is tha' a threat?"

I was really done with this guy, part of me wanting to gnaw his ugly fat leg off, but I decided to use the safe option of growling and snapping by his legs.

Remus bent down and muttered "I can fight my own battles." As if I wasn't worthy.

I sighed. I would actually quite like to be imprisoned again. Oafs like this made the world ugly. And I don't like ugly things.


	38. Chapter 38

I don't know if it's copletely correct about James' parents being who they are... but Harry Potter wiki suggests so... so I maight aswell use what I've got, right... don't go getting Nazi on me if it's all wrong ;)

* * *

_I don't love you anymore, Sirius. I don't want you in my life that way ever again._

I think a part of me died when he said that, an unfriendly scarcity of weight on my chest, a vital organ dropping over the railings and into his bed, like a fallen star, my heart where it should have belonged. Maybe he'd find it on a cold night, take comfort in knowing that he'd torn it from my chest, that it couldn't run away anymore.

A man with a glass heart, it's not the same as a real one.

We sat in the centre of James' lounge, the sweet scent of Christmas dinner wafting in on us, greatly anticipating the remaining week or so with the Potters as a crew, enjoying two weeks of liberty without a squeaky girl in my ear, trying to forget the earlier predicament as best we could and relish in the momentary freedom.

"You better put those earplugs to good use, Wormtail. They were expensive." James jeered, making note of the set he'd received from all of us.

Moony laughed. "You'd need to ask Sirius about that, though, wouldn't you. Keep up the good work or Prongs might get angry."

"Yeah, well, you know how it is... I won't be in action for a while because as you can see there are no girls here, but I could wank for you if needs be..." I paused and leant into James, lowering my voice so anyone outside of the room couldn't hear. "Or I could ride your mum... then they _definitely_ won't be wasted."

He glared at me, looking disgusted. "Nobody is riding my mum!"

"Yes, James, honey. What is it?" His mother called from the depths of the kitchen.

"Nothing, mum." He flicked his line of sight back to me, talking deeper this time, in a low growl. "_No_ _one_ is riding my mum. Not even you, oh king of man slags."

"Ah, but what about your dad?" Moony added, snickering.

I placed an elbow on his shoulder and flashed him a sneaky grin. "That's it, Remus, embrace the dark side..."

"Yes," He licked his hand and shoved it in my face "I have the force."

"Nah you don't." My head moved down to wipe the spit in my hair, savouring the touch of his hand on my senses, almost able to trick myself that the contact almost resembled that of an affectionate tousle.

"Oh, Paddy... don't go getting all turned on over there..." Peter cried.

I shot death daggers at him. "Die a thousand deaths, Wormy... If I was turned on you'd know aaaaaaaaaall about it..."

"I don't think you're that big, honey."

"Shut up, Prongs, like you'd know. Anyway, I doubt you even have one, you and your little cherub face."

Moony smirked. "Well, James, if you-"

"NO, NO, NO, NO, NO! IT'S ALL LIES! ALL OF IT: LIES!"

"Don't like it as much then we're all poking fun at you..."

"No, I don't!" I huffed and stood. "Now, I'm bored, so I'm going to get out Hungry, Hungry Hippogriffs... and play... _alone_... unless anyone wants to join me..."

The hallway was warm, brightly decorated with ribbons of gold, red and green in a mismatch of colours, oddly strewn about over the railings and tied in bows at the ends in an excited flourish. When Mrs Potter had come home from work on the first day of the holidays to find the Christmassy wonders we'd worked on her banisters and, well, most of the front hall, you could tell that a little bit of her soul had died and floated off to heaven along with all the people having fatal epileptic fits every time someone opened the front door. She was now standing in the kitchen singing songs to herself as she prepared the food, sprinkling herbs and spices on the turkey, turning to me and bearing me a welcoming grin as I paced toward the open door.

"Ah, Sirius, come to help me cook?"

"Nah, only observe – I'd probably set fire to the house or poison everyone if I tried." I chuckled, leaning on the counter and tying my hair up the best I could with one of the decorative ribbons I'd taken off the wall, sincerely hoping it wasn't the master string and would not destroy all our hard work.

"Well, you probably would with me singing so much."

"Don't say that, you have a beautiful voice. Haven't I always told you that you should have become a singer?"

James's father popped backward out of a cupboard he was rifling through and gave me and hard, friendly slap on the back. "Hitting on my wife, are we Sirius?"

"'Course not, Charlie-"

"DON'T HIT ON HER, SIRIUS! YOU'RE _NOT_ GOING TO RIDE MY MUM!" James bellowed from the lounge.

"WHOEVER SAID I WAS TRYING TO RIDE YOUR MUM?" I called back, before turning to face the couple once more. "What I was go-"

"YOU DID, YOU FUCK WHIT!"

"DON'T WORRY, PRONGS, THE ONLY POTTER I WANT TO RIDE IS YOU!" I turned back for the second time, the two other Potters slowly becoming more and more red. "Well, that shut him up."

"NO IT DIDN'T! YOU'RE A CREEPY PERVERT! MUM, REMEMBER TO SHUT SIRIUS IN THE GARDEN TONIGHT AND LOCK ALL THE DOORS AND WINDOWS 'CAUSE HE'S GOING TO RAPE YOU IN YOUR SLEEP!"

"I'M NOT GOING TO RAPE YOUR MUM IN HER SLEEP, THAT'D BE COMPLETELY DULL! IF I WAS GOING TO RAPE HER I'D AT LEAST DO IT WHEN SHE WAS AWAKE!" I laughed back, my awareness of his parent's presence beside me gradually depleting.

"I WOULDN'T PUT IT PAST YOU, PADDY," Remus butted in. "BUT MAYBE YOU WOULDN'T GO AS FAR A RAPE IN SLEEP, MORE LIKE WATCHING AS YOU SEEM TO ENJOY DOING TO ME!"

"THAT'S BECAUSE YOU'RE BEAUTIFUL, REMMIE... AND YOU'D BREAK ME IF I WATCHED YOU WHEN I WAS AWAKE!"

"ARE YOU CALLING MY MUM UGLY?" James snapped, sounding quite taken back, followed by a "LIKE HELL I WOULD!" from Rems.

"NO, JUST SHUT UP! YOUR PARENTS ARE RIGHT NEXT TO ME, STOP BEING A NOB."

"OH, CRAP, REALLY? I THOUGHT THEY'D GONE ALREADY!"

"NOPE!" I swivelled round to admire the cherry colour playing on both of their faces. "Sorry about that. I was going to say: 'I'm not hitting on Dorea, she's too much like a mother to me and besides, I wouldn't hit on a Black anyway... I'm actually quite surprised nobody's blasted you off the tapestry yet.' Oh and where did you put Hungry, Hungry Hippogriffs?"

She raised her finger, shaking almost and pointed at out of the room. "It-it's in the cupboard in the room under the stairs – the top one."

I gave one polite bow and skipped out of the kitchen, thoroughly anticipating the lone game of Hungry Hippogriffs, stealing all of the colourful little balls for my own evil consumption. The little blue hippogriff could go fuck himself – I was going to win.

I pulled open the door and switched on the light, looking up at the little overhanging cupboard, my thirst for plastic balls decreasing with every moment I stared. No. I was a man. I would get that bloody game or die trying!

I spent the first five minutes under the stairs hanging precariously from the handles, toes barely touching the ground, until Remus appeared behind me.

"What are you doing, Sirius?"

"Oh, just dreaming of a land where I could reach Hungry, Hungry Hippogriffs whenever I so wished: All those juicy balls of colourful goodness at the touch of my finger tips. None, for you, mister blue hippogriff, no, no, no." I sighed, lost in my own world.

He stepped in behind me, making the storeroom even smaller. "Where are they?"

"So far... yet... _so_ _close_..."

"You mean in the cabinet..." He shuffled even closer until we were almost pressed together, placing his hands over mine, a tender touch I'd almost forgotten. "Let go then." His voice was soft, playing in my ear.

I could hear each breath, feel each hot heart beat on my back – oh how I missed a human heart – smell his clothes, an unchanging scent, so comforting, reminiscent of the beauty of our dead love, dragging me to heaven, plunging me to hell, repeatedly reminding myself I wasn't allowed to get hard. My hands loosened and I dropped to the floor, clutching onto the edge, and peeping into the opening doors, still chanting in my head, trying to get my mind to continue thinking of the hippogriffs. And then I heard a click and the hearty chuckle of a fat midget who wanted to get himself killed by an angry werewolf, as the light from the outside world disappeared. Now it was just me and him in a stuffy cupboard barely able to move apart from each other, with a small tuft of mistletoe dangling from the golden knob above us. Maybe this was a gift... or maybe it was murder... but no part of me stopped myself slipping my arms around his neck and my lips onto his, playing alone on the pink softness I was craving so badly. He didn't reject me at first, frozen, as I waited for that spark to pulse through me like it had done on the ice. But it didn't appear. I pressed harder, hands, lips, tongue, frantically searching for it, for my Remus, for _him_.

Then he threw me off, shooting me into the angle at the end of the room. "What the hell are you playing at, Sirius?"

"Come on, we've both spent these past months dancing around the truth and we both know it isn't working... you push me away, you say these things, but you can't deny the raw fact that we're meant to be." I babbled, hardly able to believe what was coming from mouth.

"Meant to be? _Meant_ _to_ _be_?" He let out a loud yelp of laughter. "YOU'RE THE BIGGEST HEADED ARSEHOLE I HAVE MET IN MY LIFE! YOU'RE NOT '_MEANT TO BE'_ WITH ANYONE BUT A MONSTER LIKE YOURSELF! HOW ANYONE WILL EVER LOVE YOU IS A MYSTERY TO ME... But, I guess, you can thank god you're pretty..."

"Please, Moony..." I stretched out a hand, but he move further back. "What... what... just tell me what the hell I'm supposed to do then... I love... everything about you... you're beautiful... and funny... and clever... everything anybody would ever want in the world... and I _know_ I don't deserve you... and I _know_ you should have better than me... but..." A part of me lost itself in the wake, wandering off to somewhere more beautiful than this, leaving me grabbing at nothingness for words that weren't there.

"I'LL TELL YOU WHAT THE HELL YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO DO: FUCK OFF! IF SOMEONE SAYS THEY DON'T LOVE YOU, THEY DON'T LOVE YOU! YOU'RE JUST GOING TO HAVE TO LIVE WITH IT! IT SEEMED TO WORK _FINE_ FOR YOU WHEN YOU WERE SMITTEN WITH JAMES!"

My eyes wandered up to his, the glow of blue boiling with hate. "... But... you're... not James..." I leant my head against the lino flooring in my little crevice, waiting for Peter to open the door again. "Look after my heart... 'kay...?"


	39. Chapter 39

_Arthur shot into the room, slightly out of breath and glasses strewn across his face at a jaunty angle, as I sat it the warm embrace of my fiancé, finally able to relax after the most irritating day of freedom I'd ever experienced._

"_Sirius, Harry's been expelled from Hogwarts! He produced a Patronus Charmin the presence of a Muggle to defend himself from Dementors and the Ministry's expelled him. Dumbledore's trying to sort it out but... well... the ministry hasn't favoured him since Diggory died. Just thought you should know." And then he popped out of sight as quickly as he came._

_I turned to Remus, a grin sliding its way over my features, almost crying happy tears. "Sweet, baby Jesus! James you created a beautiful, beautiful child you wonderful man!"_

"_I know, I mean, how could they d-... Wait – a – minute! What?" Remus growled, giving me a stern frown._

"_What what?" I smiled from my current position, kneeling on the floor in joyous prayer. "He's exceeded my every expectation, of course! Who'd have thought he would be able to beat me and James? This is just wonderful! Oh, and I so thought he was going to turn out like you. What an extraordinary fact. I'm so proud!"_

"_Turn out like me? What on earth is that supposed to mean?" He sighed, sounding disheartened._

"_Weeeeeell, you knooooow. With the dullness and the prefectness and all that shabazle." I grinned, quite oblivious to the grave I was digging myself._

"_The _dullness_?"_

"_Well... like... erm... no... but yes... like... not wanting... to be __**badass..."**_

"_I am badass!"_

"_Don't lie to yourself, honey. Now, I'm going to write him an approving letter, good day." I smirked, turning for the door._

_He placed a firm grip on my shoulder and gave me a discerning look. "You're not going to encourage Harry to be a failure!"_

"_No, I'm not. I'm going to encourage him to be __**badass**__!"_

"_Can you stop doing that ninja pose and saying bad ass in a weird way? It's really getting on my nerves!"_

"_This, Remus, is why you no badass." I smiled, lifting the parchment and a quill. "Anyway, if you don't mind..."_

"_I do, give me that parchment now."_

"_But you're going to ruin my Harry!"_

"_Well write something reasonable and concerned sounding. I'll be checking and if it isn't ok I'll make you start again."_

_It took me 38 tries to get it right._

_I think my hand's going to fall off_

I sat and sat and sat and waited and waited and waited for Remus to come back on his broom with my little baby godson. But no, they never came. Not until I'd gotten _very_ _bored_ _of_ _waiting_, at least. By which time I'd become convinced that he was determined to spoil my Harry Potter and the cruellest part of my being had commenced to planning various forms of murder, mostly involving midnight and an axe.

Remus stepped in, giving me a warm hug and whispering into my ear. "Honey, I'm home."

I glared at him. "You've broken my Harry Potter, haven't you?"

"I have done nothing of the sort, Sirius. I'd say he's probably better than ever." He smiled, tilting his head to the side and batting the gorgeous blue eyes that resided so unfairly in his head.

My hopes sank. "_My_ Harry, all broken... You... you broke Harry!"

Molly Weasley barged past me, turning and giving me a stone cold glower. "Get a grip, Sirius! Harry isn't your property and Remus certainly isn't going to be the one to 'break him'. If anyone does, it'll be you!"

"Miserable, bitch..."

"I heard that!" She called behind herself. "You know I could easily tell Hermione and Ron and _Harry_ about our little secret... though if you two cling to each other like that for the rest of the day I'm sure it'll become obvious soon enough..."

Remus quickly pulled his hands from around my waist, mine still firmly on his.

"Don't let go, it's nice. Besides, I'm sure she's caught Snapeitus – that's the only disease you can get that turns you into a total dick head!"

"Oh, sorry Black, I think you might be forgetting a _certain_ disease called Tu_black_ulosis. Worse, probably." whined the monotone of a certain Severus Snape behind me.

"No, Snivellus, you see, if you got Tublackulosis you'd almost turn into a normal human being. It gives you this thing called class and style and attractiveness and likeability. Yes, that amount of Snapeitus pulsing through your veins would probably counteract most of the Tublackulosis but at least you might be able to feel a couple of the benefits."

Remus flicked me an unimpressed look. "How old are both of you, exactly?"

"Shhh, Moony, I don't want you to spread your conjuctiremus."

"Oh, Sirius, are you scared it'll turn you into someone worthwhile." came a snide scorn next to me.

"I supposed it's a darn sight better than Snapeitus."

"Fuck off, Sirius."

"So witty and charming, Snivellus!" I called after him and the others, as they walked him to the door. "I can see why all the girls are just gagging for your cock!"

He ignored me, hurriedly granting the rest of the house goodbye before skipping out of the front door at an alarming speed, leaving us... well, Remus and Molly... to the painstaking task of doing up all of the locks. I would have helped, had I not been annoyed with Remmie for braking my Harry Potter and Molly for gratifying it.

KA-CLUNK!

Oh, dear Merlin, not again! Tonks was a nice kid but she got on your tits at the best of times and sometimes, times like this, she deserved a slap. I was almost sorry for the person she was going to spend the rest of her life with - this was the third time she'd knocked over the same gigantic leg and she knew exactly what had happened the last 2 times: my mother went mad. I knew it was only a matter of seconds b-

"FITHY MUD BLOODS, HALF-BREEDS, BLOOD TRAITORS, DIRTYING THE HOUSE OF MY FATHERS! GET OUT!"

I looked up to the heavens and prayed for mercy.

And not for the first time this week.


	40. Chapter 40

**Hello people of the fanfic world, if you've read this far, I want to thank you because 40 chapters can be quite tedious and we still have quite a few to go, and also to ask you if it's possible I could recieve some kind of review from you. It's just slowly been coming to my attention that the quality of my writing has begun to deteriorate or was pretty odd in the first place, with huge unneccacary patches of description and some parts that are very scarce for it and quite bland and I want to know your output on how I could improve in the future so reading what I've written would become less of a task in places where things can be quite baffling.**

**Thank you,**

**Lex**

**x**

* * *

Me and Remus didn't speak for the next week of the holiday after I'd thrown myself at him in the cupboard, and seldom did after the start of term, as we slowly sank our teeth into the centre of January. Though, I suppose you could have said life was looking up for me in some respects, being that I'd already latched myself to a girl, 6th year, rich, with a particular talent for gymnastics – and when I say particular I mean _particular_ – who'd now officially been classed as a 'longun' by Wormtail and Prongs ever since she'd thrown a set of keys at me on Tuesday night and told me to wait for Saturday.

Hogsmeade was grey, cold, uglier than I'd ever seen it before. The snow from Christmas time had already begun melting, glazing the world with slick patches of compressed white; pools of grey on the dying grass, preserving the sickly yellow with all its pride as night had swept across the surface and tickled the land with her icy fingers. Crude brown strips of mountain ran beside the paths, miniature, a playground for pixies and other snide creatures that I'd rather didn't exist, bathing in the miserable slush that swirled about your feet and clung like dark balconies to the sides of your shoes. Even the snowmen, the epitome of joy and childishness, perched on the side of the road, faces drooping ever closer to the floor, mouths littering downwards in a melancholy smile, large slug-like turds waiting in the distance.

I'd barely been out 10 minutes but I already wanted to go back to dorm.

I suppose I could always hope to see Remus around town, maybe his face would light up the day... or maybe he'd be so stunning in comparison, everything would look more down than it had ever been.

My head immersed itself further into my scarf, pinking nose poking out over the material, as my body tensed to the cold. Wearing a leather jacket and a t-shirt in this sort of weather hadn't been one of my greatest feats, but I guess it was some kind of penance for trying to impress a man that was no longer mine. I sighed, the heat of my breath warming the cloth, bouncing hot air into my face to tickle my upper lip and dance over the surface of my chin.

"Sirikins!"

I swivelled to the sound of Aureliana's voice, hiding behind my commercial smile, the one that meant nothing, felt nothing, a quiet facade on the face of a fraudster. "Hey there, beautiful, how's life been treating you?"

Her arm slid into mine and she lifted herself to plant a kiss on my cheek, beaming the whole time. "Splendidly, actually." She tugged my arm a little, pointing to the outskirts of the Forbidden Forest. "Do you want to see it then?"

"Please say you haven't bought me the shrieking shack..."

She giggled and pulled harder, almost dragging me through the mud.

"...You have, haven't to?"

"No," She grinned, letting go of me. "Just wait here a second... and don't peek, ok?"

I heard her skip off, feet working in hushed slaps as they made contact with the wet mud, my eyes firmly shut the whole time. She was gone quite a while, to the point that I almost got worried and opened them, before she rolled into ear shot.

"Ok, you can open your eyes now." She called over the sloshing.

For a minute, I thought I was dreaming, lost in a layer of misbelieve, before the reality struck and, may I say, never had my flabber been so ghasted. "_You_... got _me_... a Harley Davidson..."

She smiled and shrugged her shoulders. "Don't pull that face, it's not the model you and James were talking about, but my dad was going to chuck it so I thought I'd give it to you."

I snatched her up in my arms, lifting her over my head and spinning her around. "_You_ – _are_ – _a_ – _babe_! You've just made my day... no week... month even!"

A gentle smirk played on her lips as she patted them on mine and lowered to the floor. "It was nice doing business with you, Sirius. I guess I'll see you around. Have fun with the bike."

Once again, I was dumbfounded. Had I just be _dumped_? No, this couldn't happen twice in my life, once was enough, thank you. I mean, it wasn't that I particularly _liked_ her; I just had a certain dignity to uphold. "I'm sorry? I don't quite understand..."

"Well, you've got the present... and we agreed Saturday, so there's no real point in dating me, right? I assumed you were going to dump me on the spot." She sighed, giving me a half-hearted look back.

"Ah, you see, assuming makes and ass out of me and 'u'. I wouldn't be much of a gentleman if I did that, would I? Besides, in theory, you'd have till Wednesday."

"You're an idiot."

"But a wonderful one: am I not?" I flashed her my trademark 'pickup grin' and winked.

"Irresistible."

...

The streets of the wizarding town seemed to have become more inhabited in our absence, the paths bustling with packs of girls, marching about as ever, like they were on some kind of crusade – possibly to be the first to buy a new brand of shoes – but girls baffled me, so I wouldn't know. Aureliana leaned further into my back, grasping at my torso as the bike purred down the road.

"Sirius," she muttered, muffled somewhat by the clothes on my back. "Your chest is really cold. Make sure you don't get sick."

I opened my mouth a moment, ready to say something I felt deep down, to let a little of myself slip through the gaps between my teeth, but closed it again. It was better for both of us if she didn't hear what I had to say. "Thanks for worrying, but I'll be fine. It's been like that for a while." I heaved, eyes fixed on the road, trying to find the Three Broomsticks.

Unfortunately, I hadn't ever had bike lessons before or even knew where the breaks were on the contraption, so I came to the conclusion that the best way to stop it would be to turn off the power and drive it into Hagrid.

"Aw, Sirius, di'nt see yer there. But ya gotta be careful with a bike tha' size. Imagine what'd 'appen if ya drove yer way inta one of 'em litluns there. Ya'd knock their bloomin' lights out." He attempted to scold as I hoisted my bike onto the pavement and rested it against a lamp post.

I shrugged. "Yeah, yeah, don't kill children, got it. Aurely, you coming in?"

"Nah, I think I'm gonna see my friends, they can only take so much neglecting." She laughed, locking our lips for a second and walking away, hand raised behind her in a quaint little wave.

A warm gust of air fled outward as I pulled open the door to the pub, letting its snug hands fiddle their way through my clothes and embrace my tired body while I moved within. I needed a glass Firewhisky. A big glass. With a load of ice. And a little pink umbrella. No, blue... Then it would match Remus' e-... Gold... Then it would match Remus' h-... Green. Then it would match my shirt.

I needed a psychiatrist.

I took my scarf and jacket off and threw them to a seat next to the fire, making my way to the counter and to what looked like the splitting image of myself.

"Hello there, Rosmerta, looking gorgeous as always." I grinned leaning against the sideboard. "And Fabian, may I say you look particularly dashing today."

The matamorphagus scowled at me. "Oh, Fabs, you can't just walk in here and pretend to be me to chat up the barmaids, what will my girlfriend think?"

I shook my head, smirking at the floor. "Oh, you have so much to learn. You see, I, Sirius Black, do not care what my girlfriend thinks because I know she will be gone within the week."

Rosmerta stared at us, looking positively bewildered. "Wait, so which one of you is actually Sirius?"

Fabian huffed and slid back into his regular form, shrinking and fitting his clothes noticeably better than he had done as me.

"There you go." I leered. "Let your testicles breathe. Do you feel that? That's the sensation of the blood running back into your balls."

His hand swished away a mop of honey coloured hair and he gave me a dark look. "My balls were fine, _actually_."

"Whatever you say, honey bee, just grant yourself lucky that the camel didn't come asking for his toe back... Rosie, a Firewhisky and a Butter Beer, please... What are you doing trying to illegally acquire alcohol as me anyway? Don't you have a big brother to do that for you?"

"I would have, if he hadn't ditched me to go on a date with some _dude_..." He sneered, snatching his Butter Beer and taking a large swig, before making his way to the table I'd stationed my things at.

My throat gurgled with a satisfied laugh. "Note to self: Kaaleeb is gay. Make sure the whole school knows by week's end."

He didn't look very impressed. "Aren't _you_ gay? Isn't it sort of hypocritical trying to make a mockery of him when you're no better yourself? Pot, kettle, black, is it not?"

"Ah, but you see, the urge to destroy him is only natural, seen as I am the 'Alpha male', or so they call it, and he has the 4th largest fan base in our school, after James and Snape, of course."

"Snape?" His whole face filled with the utmost disgust and stayed in that form for a while. "... Snape... as in... Snivellus, Snape..."

"Well it's less of a fan base and more of a lynch mob, but you get my drift." I said, halfway through taking sips, looking up at him to see him sheepishly avert his gaze. I hadn't encountered the kid much throughout my time in school, but I knew him well enough to know that this wasn't exactly normal behaviour. "What's up, kiddo?"

He flicked his eyes back to me, held them in contact with mine of a strenuous second, and then drove them away once more. "Oh, it's nothing..."

"What sort of nothing? Good nothing, bad nothing, nothing I'd want to discuss with you, none of your business nothing, I can blow bubbles with my snot nothing, this little piggy went wee wee wee wee all the way home nothing?" I growled, my impatience getting the best of me today, despite the apparent ups.

"Well," His eyes locked with mine, nervously blinking and occasionally darting to and fro. "I was just wondering if anyone you ever date... well if you ever have any sincere emotions for them... like if you care about what they do... or _what's happening to them_..."

I nodded, not really absorbing any of what he just said.

"Well... sort of... are you just dating these people to date them... to have someone to call yours... or is it just centring around the fact you don't really know much about people and the way they work?"

"I really don't get where you're coming from..."

"Do you just not care that a bunch of girls are after your girlfriend's head or are you just so ignorant not to notice?"

"Excuse me?"

"Oh, you're oblivious... well just so you know, your girlfriends gonna be killed by an angry mob of hormonal teens."

I slammed my glass down on the side and gave him one stone cold look. "And you didn't tell me this 5 minutes ago because...? This is _exactly_ why I hate girls!"

I didn't want to admit it but I knew that what I'd been doing was wrong, ever since the start every fibre in my body had gravitated against it, but now it had all opened in front of my eyes and lain itself out on a platter.

This needed to stop.

I was possessed by whoever I gave myself to, not by whoever thought I should be theirs.

And at this time there was only one person who truly owned me, though he'd shut me in the box with all his other discarded toys and locked me in the attic. I guess I could always hope he'd get me out again on a rainy day and we'd be able to play make-believe like we had done in the past.


	41. Chapter 41

** Present - In the previous Chapter, Remus goes to collect Harry from Privet Drive while Sirius stays at home and waits for their return and isn't particularly pleased when they do.**

* * *

I marched to the curtain, using all my force to attempt to pull it shut. "Oh shut up you stupid bitch!" I was _not_ in the mood for my mother. _Not_ _one_ _bit_.

Bloody Harry Potter, keeping me from my Remus Lupin. Bloody Remus Lupin, breaking my Harry Potter.

After a strenuous heartfelt tug, the pieces of fabric drew, a quiet sound of metal scraping against metal, a delicate brush of longing hands. The spot tingled for a moment, yearning for more, but I didn't let the strain show – if Remus was coping with all he had to worry about on top of this then I had to too. As much as I'd rather Severus' scoffs weren't true, the fact of the matter was that I really had very little to concentrate on, so in theory this wouldn't be much of a feat.

I turned to the boy, who was looking slightly shaken, and gave him a broad grin and a warm hug. "Ah, Harry, it's been a while."

It certainly had, he'd grown a little taller since we'd last met, thinner – losing in some of his previous 'baby fat' – ever more resembling James with the same untameable black hair, glasses, and as it seemed as I spoke more to him, the same go-get-it attitude that I loved about his father. Part of me wanted to jump back to my 16 year-old self, bitch slap that ginger tit, and reclaim my rightful prize. It had been a long hard 13 years with out him and as they say 'distance makes the heart grow fonder', but I knew jumping on his son wouldn't change the past and that what I had now was better than anything I'd have if I did. Though a young Sirius Black was still trying to wiggle himself through the gaps in the bars that had shut him off the first time I saw Remus for what he was.

x

Once we'd all settled ourselves nicely in our seats and the small conversations had died down a little, Arthur spoke, only directly to Harry and our end of the table, but loud enough for the whole table to stop in their tracks and watch. "You know, it's very peculiar that your hearing at the Ministry will be before the entire Wizengamot."

Harry frowned. "I don't quite get it… What's the ministry got against me all of a sudden?"

Remus clutched nervously at the Daily Prophet, looking almost unsure of whether to involve himself.

"Show it to him, Remus, he'll find out soon enough." Grumbled the low voice of Alistair Moody from the corner of the room.

Quite reluctantly, he gave a sigh and unfolded the paper for Harry to look at. "Fudge is using every morsel of his power, including that within the Daily Prophet…" He paused, as if enough had been said, but after a quick look at Harry opened his mouth to speak once more.

"To smear anyone who claims the dark lord has returned." I smiled, snatching the words from his beautiful little mouth.

"Why?"

"He thinks Dumbledore wants to take his job."

"That's insane!" Harry exclaimed, in the voice of someone who'd been castrated. "No-one in their right mind would actually believe that!"

Remus leant forward a little, to give the boy a hard look. "That's exactly my point, he isn't in his right mind and hasn't been for a while. It's been twisted by fear and we all know fear makes us do terrible things, Harry. Last time Voldemort rose he almost destroyed everything" he shot me a stealthy glance, but I avoided it, unsure that I wanted to remember what we'd gone through last time "that we held most dear to us. And now he's back, I'm certain the Minister will do nearly anything as not to face the terrifying reality."

"We think Voldemort wants to rebuild his army. Fourteen years ago, he had huge numbers under his waking orders: witches, wizards were just the front of it, but there were all manners of-" I took a deep breath, trying to clear my head, trying not to remember the feelings of the past. "-dark creatures. He's been recruiting heavily, as we have attempted. But followers aren't the _only_ things he's interested in…" My eyes wandered up to Molly's reddening face – a clear sign that she was becoming frustrated and a goading for the most immature part of me. "We think he's after _something_."

Molly wringed the tea towel she was holding and glared daggers at me, mouthing what looked something like "don't even think about it" while Mad-eye grunted from the other side of the room.

"_Sirius_…"

It didn't stop me though, rather, gave me a kind of kick… more fun and exciting than taking orders from the miserable lot all day.

"Something he didn't have last time."

"What, like a weapon?" squeaked Harry, almost as thrilled by my risky revelations as I was.

Molly snapped us all awake from it with a stark slap of cloth against wood. "Stop it now, Sirius. That – is – enough! He is just a young boy, not James! If you say anymore he might as well become part of the order!"

Harry rose, eyes hard, strong, focused on what he wanted, truly the son of my best friend. "Good! I _want_ to join! If Voldemort is out there I _want_ to fight him, I _will_ fight him with all the power I have in me!"

Yes, he was truly the son of James Potter and not an ounce of him said he was not.


	42. Chapter 42

**Past - In the previous chapter, Remus goes to Hogsmeade with Caleb and Sirius gets a bike from his girlfriend of the time... Enjoy ^ ^**

* * *

Midnight of the 13th of February. Tomorrow would be Valentine's Day. And I would most likely spend it alone like I'd done every other day for the past month. Though it'd given me time to prepare the most romantic present I could muster, hopefully one that might call him back to my ailing arms.

I slid the card and the rose out from under my bed, smiling down at the delicate glow of the petals. It may have not looked like much during the day, but it was a truly remarkable plant, blooming only once every 16 years, each thorn laced with a reasonable amount of poison and each flower said to cure even the worst of maladies. I knew that if it worked, well, there would no longer be a single reason for him to agree to see me, and one of the things that made him who he was, made him so beautiful, would be destroyed. But that was a sacrifice I was willing to make. This was for his happiness, not mine.

I stood up and staggered across the room, still somewhat under the effects of every time I'd been scratched and attacked by the bitch of a plant while trying to steal it from Herbology and remove the spikes afterwards, towards Remus' bed.

Ok, I was just going to leave it on his trunk and go back, right? I'd just put it down and make nothing of it... ok, maybe just a little peep wouldn't hurt, I mean it'd been a while and he'd probably have it charmed and shut off anyway... no harm done...

I slinked through the darkness, trying to make as little noise as possible, stretching an arm, grabbing at the black, in search of the hanging cloth, before I came stumbling onto his mattress and over his sleeping body. A quiet groan escaped his lips, but he didn't rouse, leaving me on top of him, in contact with his delicate skin, so soft, smooth, I wanted to feel all of it, touch it, kiss his wonderful imperfections. My mind was set, the flood gates of every urge I'd ever had, any stirring, feeling, impulse that pulsed through my veins. There was no going back. This was almost the first time I'd made skin on skin contact with him in nearly a year... and... Well, I hadn't felt more alive.

I scrambled up to sit over him, looking down on the pale white of his skin, hands perched lightly on his shoulders. He was thinner than I'd remembered him, his ribcage faintly protruding in little ruts from his flesh, like rows of earth fresh for planting seeds, but still with the undying warmth radiating at the touch, a quaint souvenir of all the long nights, all the glowing mornings, all the happy days.

I sat for a moment, just watching, feeling his heat, listening to the quiet labouring of his lungs in the silence. He may have looked dead, eyes firmly shut, body sprawled limply across the covers, but his face sparkled with life, flicking through reams of emotion, destroying the stoic facade he put on for people he didn't know and now, since our drifting, me. I move my hand, placing a thumb on his bottom lip and parting the two folds of tender, rose flesh, savouring the sensation on the tips.

"Remus, are you awake?" I whispered rather pointlessly – if he was, he would have thrown me off him ages ago, but I had to be sure.

My fingers slid into his hair, locking perfectly, or perfectly enough for me, losing themselves in the golden silk that spayed across his pillow case. I leaned in closer, stealing one gentle breath from the air around his head, the air he breathed, before joining our faces in a crushing frenzy. His lips were plump, fresh, lined with the age old taste, the taste of passion, love, beauty, unconditional loyalty and exceptional kindness. A lazy muscle in his face, twitched, slowly springing itself to life against the movement of mine. My near whole hoped that there was meaning in the movement, but the cruel realist within me stuck whispering to my ear of the subconscious mind.

"Si... Sirius... why are you here?" Remus mumbled, dreamily, yet coherent enough for my body to switch to a panic mode.

I thumped the card and the present on his chest and leapt back into my bed. Merlin, please say I wasn't getting a scolding when I woke up.

X

"Oi, Padfoot, wake up!"

I grunted and handed over the note I'd given Moony every Tuesday morning for almost a year, which, if I recall correctly, said: _To Remus, by no means am I coming to Potions, I quit, Sluggers creeps the shit out of me. If our last teacher comes back, maybe, goodbye, I need sleep. Love Sirius x_

"Oi, stinky, I'm not asking you to go to potions." Growled a pissed off sounded voice.

My head turned, eyes opening slowly to an unhappy James. "_What_ do you _want_?"

"Oh, I was only flicking through my text book today, page 274, as the professor asked, and a nice lacy pink thong jumped out onto my lap. And. Well it isn't Lily's so I think it belongs to you." He hissed throwing it at my face. "And, Sirius, get a grip, its Valentine's Day, would Remus really go out of his way to wake you up when every time he has before you've effectively told him to fuck off? Besides, he has a boyfriend, I'm sure he'd rather be with him than an ex that hasn't saved and sleeps naked. If I were him, I'd be a bit cau-"

I shot upright. "_He has a boyfriend_? Since when? Who?"

"Yes, isn't that what I just said? Caleb Brown, since Hogsmeade. You know, the floppy haired twat, Captain of the Ravenclaw Quidditch team. " He huffed, voice lathered with irritation.

"No! Not Kaaleeb! Daddy does not approve!"

"... That makes me Mummy, right?"

My mouth stretched into what was supposed to be a grin, but turned out more like some kind of face Hanibal Lector would pull.

"I don't know what sort of creepy games you and Remus have played in the past, but I'd rather that you didn't refer to yourself as 'Daddy' around me ever again."

"Oh, come on Jammie, you know you like it." I smirked, standing and slumping an arm around his shoulders. "Anyway, we need to devise a rainbow of pranks to perform on the lump of nobb cheese as a sort of admission trial, see if he's good enough to have Daddy's little Remus."

He pinched the arc of his nose and gave me a strenuous look. "I will when you put some clothes on and shut up."

X

"Well, this is... awkward..." Wormtail muttered, as he rolled around on the floor, trying to 'break the ice' I assume, by rolling all over it... though I guess he hadn't learnt that the stop-drop-and-roll technique only worked on fires.

"So, _Kaaleeb_, I guess this is why you ditched your little brother last Hogsmeade visit. Are you normally this heartless, or do you only save it for special occasions?" I jeered. For Merlin's sake, Remus could do better than this cock hole.

He gave out a hearty laugh and shook his head. "You really are a funny one, Black. I would almost be able to understand why Remus dated you if where half as arrogant. More to the point, I didn't really need to go, we were only discussing what birthday present to get _his_ dad, so in some respects it didn't even have anything to do with me."

Yes, so much better.

"You're a fine one to talk so I'd rather you didn't insult my best friend." James sneered, looking like he was about to jump the guy and rip his ears off with his teeth. "Anyway, Kaaleeb, you prepared for our Quidditch match, Saturday? Sure you won't get a bit over yourself and knock yourself off the broom with your own bat?"

"Definite, though I might knock you off with it."

"You're a nasty piece of work, you know that..." I heaved. "Are you sure you're just not a Slytherin who's uniform got sun bleached?"

Remus walked back into the room, grinning, holding five Butter Beers in his arms. "Sorry it took me so long, but I had to get them out of my stash without anybody seeing me. Have you lot been getting along while I was gone?"

Kaaleeb beamed upwards and took a bottle. "Yes, thanks, we were just discussing the Quidditch this weekend, weren't we boys?"

I leant into James. "This man is like an abusive stepdad."

"You think I haven't noticed?"

"I still have the thorns from that flower, do you wanna sneak them in his drink while he's snogging Rems?" I muttered from the side of my mouth, producing a small bag and slipping it to James like it were some kind of drug. "Do your job well, Mummy..."

"As you wish, Daddy..."

Unfortunately, we didn't manage to kill the bastard or even knock him out for any considerable amount of time.

I'd forgotten James was the king of subtly.


	43. Chapter 43

**Present - In the previous chapter, Sirius finally gets to see Harry and they discuss stuff (essentially what happens in the film)**

* * *

After the last of the children had scattered from their places and left the room, I turned to Remus and gave him a look of painful disparaging.

"No…? _No_? Is your heart intent on breaking my Jame-ry Potter? We're engaged, is it that hard for you to agree with me?"

"_Jame-ry Potter_, Sirius, _Jame_-_ry_ Potter? I think that says it all," he sighed, rising from his seat and placing his plate in the sink "I'll be going to bed now, goodnight, see you all in the morning."

"Wait, what? Don't just leave in the middle of a conversation!" I growled.

His eyes flicked to me in unimpressed reason. "I don't know what you consider the middle of a conversation, but it's certainly not that. Goodnight, Sirius."

Part of my soul crushed under his words. What did he think being like this would accomplish? I mean, he remembered what had happened last time – he'd made that perfectly clear during the meeting. So _why_?

I dropped my head onto the table and breathed warm, subtle breaths across the shades of brown. Or maybe it was just me. He had as much a right to an opinion as I did – we weren't in the 1800's and he wasn't a woman – even if I _did_ prefer it if he agreed with me. If I had wanted someone to beckon to my every waking call I might as well have proposed to Mundungus.

A warm, spindly hand rested itself on my shoulder. "Come on, Sirius. Remus is a great guy, I'm sure he wouldn't be like this if he didn't have a suitable reason." Her voice danced in a cheerful little wave "At least he wasn't shouting and arguing, right?"

I stood and shrugged the young witch off. "I'm not in the mood, Tonks. Please leave me alone."

"Why? I'm only trying to help." She hummed, tone flat and disheartened.

I fought against the growing urge to say 'because you want my fiancé's dick' and gave her an acute smile. "I just don't feel like talking to people at the moment."

X

I made my way up the staircase, a little light slipping through the windows from near by street lamps and defining my surroundings in crude orange lines. The house was quieter at night, alone, without Remus, each footstep swaying the house in course movements, dipping, stretching, whining under the weight. I was very much relieved when I finally reached my bedroom, afraid that simply walking around like that would break the tired old house. I peeled open the door and whispered into the darkness.

"Remus… are you in here?" The silence stretched "Remus, if you are, I'm sorry." I moved towards the bed, stroking the vague lump in the light and playing with snug glint of gold hair that sprawled across the pillow. "You're ignoring me, aren't you?"

He nodded a fraction and then rolled closer to the wall.

"If you really wanted to ignore me you would have slept in your _own_ bed…"

"Just because I don't want to have that discussion with you, doesn't mean I don't want to sleep next to you." He groaned, voice groggy, low, in a state of half sleep.

"But I said sorry…"

"Yes but if we got into it you'll just end up fighting your case and it'll turn out you weren't sorry in the first place."

My head shifted, lowering to place a delicate kiss on the back of his head. "You're wonderful, Remus. But I hate your logic…"

X

The morning light shuffled through the curtains in crystal white strips, illuminating the dust that waltzed within the walls, scattering, stirring like fairy powder, glistening in and out of the sun's beams. It was hot enough for late August, the sky crisp and clear, blue, opening up for beatings of light to assault the buildings and shelter themselves in the surfaces, radiating from the walls as I curled next to my sweetheart. I didn't want to get up, it was perfect here just like this: tranquil, child-free, dirt-free, Kreacher-free; but I knew that sometime I'd have to get out of bed. My body slid closer to Remus and drew him into a messy hug, placing my head in the crook of his neck.

"Morning, beautiful" I whispered into his ear, words laced with a quiet undertone of drowsiness "Sleep well?"

He gave a subtle grunt and sighed, "Until you woke me…"

"Dream of anything nice?" I chuckled, nuzzling against his cheek and kissing about his face.

"Hmm… I had a dream my partner wasn't a paedophile…"

"Oh, Moony… I had a dream my partner loved me more…"

He let a faint snort of laughter escape is nose and swivelled to plant a dainty kiss on my lips. "What a shame he doesn't, Padfoot."

My throat hummed in agreement. "Remus… We need to talk."

"Oh, Sirius, no. Please don't tell me you're getting cold feet…"

"No, actually, my feet are quite warm."

He gave me a stone cold look that clearly meant he was not up for any 'funny business'.

"Look… I want to talk about the whole adoption thing… because I've been thinking about it… _really_ thinking about it… and this is what I want. I know that you didn't think anything of it at first but we haven't actually discussed it more than we did on the day we announced it. And, well, I think it's for the best. What's the point in getting married if we're not going to become a prop-"

He pushed his finger against my lips, calm, controlled, silencing me. "It's too early for this sort of discussion."

"No. No, it's not. Because _I know you_, Rems, it's going to either too early or too late or too close to the children. You're the most rationally thinking man I know, regardless of whether you've just woken up or not." I huffed, sitting up a little and sinking my palm into my eye socket to clear my mind. "Even that fact that you're trying to get across the point that you don't think in your right mind in the morning, in itself, proves that you _are_!"

"Oh for Merlin's sake, Sirius Black! If I say it's too early: it's too early. How do you think that you can look after a child if you can't even look after that Hippogriff? It hasn't been fed in 3 days!"

I folded my arms and smirked at him. "If you knew that he hasn't been fed in 3 days, why didn't you feed him yourself?"

He shook his head in dismay. "Because he's your pet."

"He's not mine actually, he's _Hagrid's_!"

"Even more a reason to _keep him alive_!"

"Well then, if I keep him alive will you seriously consider the adoption?" I grinned, tilting my head towards him and batting my eyelashes.

"Ok then, but don't be surprised if he's dead when you get up there," He laughed kissing my cheek before collapsing back under the covers.

"Adieu, mon amour, I am off to feed a Hippogriff!"


	44. Chapter 44

**Past - In the previous chapter, Sirius finds out that Remus is dating Caleb (and that the boy is a dick head) and James and him join together to combat the evil.**

* * *

We watched from the stands, raised tens of feet from the ground, February wind lashing about us as we huddled in the front row of the Gryffindor supporters. Remus had decided to place himself beside me. It could have been a taunt, to see how long it to for me to break, or he could have _actually_ become just as blind and obnoxious as he seemed to pretend when he was around Clabe (a growing favourite nickname, coming shortly after Kaaleeb).

I shuffled closer to the side, hanging out over the drop to observe the pretentious little twat as he gallivanted around the arena, trying to show off, but what seemed ultimately failing. I didn't quite understand what Remus found so appealing about the boy: he wasn't particularly clever – more snide and malicious – and spent most of his time looking rather ill, like he hadn't quite recovered from jaundice, and therefore would most likely give Snape a run for his money in the 'I'm going to die in the near future' category.

I sank back into my place and gave Remus a cold, hard look. "Your boyfriends an abusive dickhead."

"Isn't he just? I think it comes to use best in bed," he grinned, a grin that he'd adopted off Kaaleeb, one that feigned charm and eloquence but was actually just a mask for what I liked to call knob-cheese-ism.

I sighed and gave him a quick glance. "Why are you with him? He's trying to kill one of your best friends with a bludger…"

"Oh," he giggled, with an ignorant little smile "I was unaware of this."

"Have you even been watching the game? Just because he hasn't killed James _yet_ doesn't mean his isn't _trying_!"

His shoulder gave a submissive shrug and he turned away to view the game.

I lowered my head and rested my arms against the railings, not sure whether to believe the words that were dancing on the tip on my tongue. "Remus, I've never thought of you as a monster, in any shape or form, but this man is turning you into one. Please…" My head swivelled to gaze at him and contemplate the nothingness that drifted around his face. "My offer still stands…"

He flashed me a sideways look and continued to watch the match, clearly he hadn't read the card I'd given him.

I closed my eyes and waited for the game to end and the hostilities to float away.

X

"And the Gryffindor captian has been _knocked off his broom_! That was a pretty bad blow to the head! Do you think Brown'll be disqualified? Because that was a bit of an unprovoked attack!"

My head shot up, boiling with rage. How dare that unworthy bastard hurt my best friend? He could go and die in a fucking hole. Before anybody could stop me I'd drawn my wand and was hexing the shit to the ends of the earth.

"Sirius! What that fuck are you doing?" Remus snarled, yanking me down beside him, if not to stop me, then to drag himself up and march to Caleb.

These people were really doing my head in.

X

The infirmary was cool, white, dull, the air tasting of disease and smelling of boredom, only filled with the sounds of scurrying feet and the occasionally throaty cough - a place that you would rather spend less than one of your waking hours in… though I had a strange feeling that I would be spending my every free minute next to that metal framed bed over the coming week, praying for James' recovery.

Lily leant into me and let out a hefty sigh, waiting as Remus spun round and left the room. "At first I couldn't understand the whole 'Daddy', 'Mummy' thing you and James had going, I just thought you were just being miserable because he found someone new. But seeing this, seeing what Caleb's done, I can't help but feel protective for him."

I heaved and looked down to her. "Welcome to the family… I don't know what that bastard's done to him but I want my Remus back. You know what I got him for Valentines Day?"

She nodded. "I think James said something about it…"

"He knows the plant: he reads enough to know what it's like, what damage they can do." I rolled up my sleeves to show her the gashes, still sore and red as if they'd been made yesterday. "He didn't even say thank you… The Remus I know would have at least have the good grace to thank me for it…" I wrestled the fabric back over the marks and gave her a curt smile.

"Sirius, you need to have them looked at, they could be infected."

"They weep, which means progress in the world of cuts and bruises. Besides, I deserve them for what I did to him." I bowed my head to gaze at James, as he sat in his forced slumber. "Lily… Is love supposed to hurt?"

She sat silently, thinking for a moment, and then she turned to me. "I suppose you could say that… there are times when it does… But pain is what tells us we're alive, right? So it can't be bad."

"I'd really like to believe that… I just feel so lost… At one point I genuinely thought that those girls would help, that falling in love like that would just be a game, easy… And now I've learnt that it hurt everyone, so why won't he just come back? I want to love him, I really do… I just find myself wanting to destroying his world at the same time…" My head dropped against the bedclothes and I slowly drew my eyes shut. "Is it my fault he's like this?"

She placed a reassuring hand on the back of my head and played with my hair. "It's no one's fault but his own for letting himself get into this mess."

I shifted from the bed and stood. "I need a walk… thanks for everything…."

X

Rather than pacing and chewing over how to fix the chaos I'd got us all into, as I had intended to do, I found myself waiting unreservedly by the Ravenclaw common room. I still don't know why, just something had drawn me there, some cold part of me that hadn't seen the light of day in months. I leant my head back against the cold stone and sighed into the frost nighttime air around me. What, exactly, was I trying to accomplish? To beat up Caleb and get an extra weeks detention? I knew that if I _did_ see him, every part of me would be itching for a fight, to knock his pathetic lights out… or at least leave him with the harsh message that if he _ever_ thought of hurting _my_ Remus John Lupin, his sad little life would be on the line.

"Sirius Orion Black… what an event to see you in _this_ sort of place…"

I recognised the voice, or at least the family it was from - the kind appearance that was founded on a thick bedding of snide – though in the child's case, I'm sure it was only a sound he'd adopted from his half brother.

"Fabian Epaphroditus Brown," I swivelled my head to look at the boy, a grin fixed on my face, partially in mocking, partially for the hot headed girls around him "who'd have though you were such a pimp?"

He gave me a quick wink. "What can I say? You've been quite the role model for me… But this is only my night job…"

My smile broadened. Oh this was just _precious_! I was going to take Kaaleeb's baby brother (the only thing he seemed to have any kind of complex about) and then use the kid to _crush – him – like – a –__**fly**_!


	45. Chapter 45

**Present - In the previous chapter, Rems and Siri have a bit of a fall out and discuss adoption (effectively not much happens)**

**And thank you to everyone who's cared to read this far as I've now reached over 5000 hits and, well, it's quite thrilling seen as it's my first ever fic. I hope you're still enjoying. Lex x**

* * *

"You'd be surprised what Kreacher can manage when he wants to, Hermoine," I sighed, eyeing the girl that still faintly resembled a feral squirrel with a look of mild distain – she may have been _books_ clever, but she clearly had no valid understanding of the real world and how things worked in it. Although, she had earned some 'Sirius Points' for what seemed to be a disagreement with the Weasly hag, which now brought her up to a total of minus 7.

I shot a glance to Harry, as his eyes explored me as if I were a little bit 'special' "Yeah... I've been feeding Buckbeak," I said, giving him a half-hearted smile and trying to fight the urge to say 'Earning babies' in a voice that hinted at neurosis. "He's living in my mother's bedroom, at the moment. Anyway... this writing desk..."

My head arced downward to peer into the keyhole, attempting to shift the conversation and prevent myself from bubbling over.

"Well, I'm quite sure it's a Boggart, but we'd better let Moody have a good eye at it just in case – knowing my mother, it could be something much worse."

"Right you are, Siruis," she smiled, emitting a swill of false pleasantness.

Yes I was right, I was always right! If she'd only realised that last night, then I wouldn't hate her quite as much as I did now. I stood back up, stretching into normal shape and making for the rat bag I'd throw at the armchair in hopes it'd leak and the bitch would sit in it, before the door went.

"For Merlin's sake, I keep on telling them not to ring the bell!" I snarled, storming out of the room, blocking out her screams in my head.

I was in the right mind to ignore the curtains and submit the culprits to her wailing, but decided otherwise, giving the sheets a tedious wrestling match. Kingsly was stood on the door step when I finally got round to opening the actual door, bearing a nervous grin.

"Opps... Sorry about that..."

"Don't worry, just refrain from doing it again," I laughed, turning and re-bolting the door. "Anyway, what brings you here?"

"Well, Hestia's just relieved me, she's got Moody's cloak now, so I thought I'd leave a report for Dumbledore..."

"Ah, ok, wait a second, I'll get Remus – he might be more useful," I said, turning up to the stairs.

Anything to be able to badger my fiancé more.

X

"You in there, Remmie?" I called, pushing my head into my mother's bedroom and having a quick scan of the space, finding him sat cross legged on the floor, throwing food at the Hippogriff. I shook my head, smirking a little, and moved towards him. "What was that about me having to take the responsibility?"

He gave a little shrug as I placed myself beside him, nuzzling my head into his shoulder and locking our hands together. I sat like that for a little, absorbing him, feeling his warmth, his skin, twirling the little piece of gold that sat around his finger. I loved him so much it hurt.

"Moonikins, have you given it any thought?"

He nodded faintly, kissing the top of my head "Yes, but I think we should wait until the war's over at least. I mean, how are we meant to bring a little defenceless baby into the middle of a _war_?"

"Remus, you're missing the point," I sighed, tilting my head up to look into blue of his eyes, hoping to sway the tides with one look "There's a child out there, you know it, I know it, and that child either has no one to protect it or has no one who is willing to. If we could bring a child, _our_ child into this, with some of the most talented aurors in this country, maybe even the world, then I think that's what we should do… not to mention the _badass_ werewolf and the Azkaban escapee who'd give everything for them."

He smiled down at me soothingly, caressing my features with his eyes "I couldn't say no to an argument like that but I'm promising anything yet – it needs to be the right child and I can't be certain we'll find them yet…"

I sat up, beaming at him and grabbing his face "Remus John Lupin, you are the most beautiful human being in this world, I love you, I love you more than I love my penis! You are the best!" I crashed his face into mine, attacking his lips like it was the last day on earth.

Eventually, he pulled me off, snatching for more air and then grinned, crushing me against his chest. "We're going to be _parents_!"

"No, Rems, we're going to be the _best_ parents!" I wriggled out of his grasp and stood up "Now let's get down stairs because I promised Kingsly I'd bring you down…"

"Why? What does he want?"

"Oh, nothing, I just wanted to have a reason to persuade you more." I smirked, pushing him out the door in front of me and making sure he got a bit of a head start.

There was one more thing I needed to do before my day was complete.

X

I pressed my ear against the wood, eavesdropping to what was going on inside. It sounded like it was almost finished.

I listened.

I listened.

I listened.

Then came the pleasant sound of an ugly middle-aged woman sitting on a bag of rats.

My day was well and truly made.


	46. Chapter 46

**Past - In the previous chapter, Caleb smashes James up with a bludger, Lily joins the hate crew and Sirius develops a plan to crush the man.**

* * *

I sank further into the blue and sliver sheets, head still firmly propped up by the spiralling mahogany bedposts, as a gazed across the gap at the impressionable 5th year. Fabian and I had been playing this 'game' for little over a month or so – one to show his brother he was a responsible adult and the other to destroy the man that stood in his way – though it hadn't conspired to much, other than the modest pursuit we liked to call 'sexy time' in which we'd lock his dorm off and jump on his bed making copulatory sounds until Kaaleeb almost broke down the door.

The boy shuffled on the other side of the bed and met my eyes. "Sirius?"

I gave a small regarding grunt and nodded for him to continue.

"Sirius, are we ever going to do anything proper?"

"Oh, your innocence never ceases to amaze me, Fabian." I chuckled, shaking my head in amusement of the child's naivety "By 'proper', what do you mean?"

"Like, well, _proper_… you know, like kissing and _fondling_ and… _SEX_…" He pulled a wide nervous grin and fingered the duvet cover as if it were a truly intriguing relic, in what seemed to be an attempt to mask the initial randiness of the statement.

I scooted my body up a fraction and stared at him in an odd cocktail of humour and genuine intent. "You don't even know if you swing this way. The fact that your brother _does_ makes me think that you _don't_…"

"Well I wouldn't know because I've never tried anything. Anyway, what if I wasn't gay, per say, and I just fell in love with a man? I mean we have the same interests, attitudes and you really wanted to fall for someone aga-"

"No, I've been down that road before and it's gotten me into more shit than it was worth…" I paused, mulling over the concept in my head. "Though, I do have a thing for rare stones and your gift… _interests_ me…"

A small part of his face glowed as if some kind of candle had been lit within him, his eyes sparkling carefully inside his head. "Oh, well, I did collect stones when I was a child," he smirked "but I used to feed the ones I didn't like to the cat…"

"I think I like you even better the more I talk to you." I beamed, sliding forward across the gap and resting my head in my hand.

"Oh you _always_ liked me!"

"Vain bastard"

"You can't talk – you're one of us!"

My body shifted further toward him, up to the point I was perched over him, mere inches from his face. "Enlighten me, Brown, what can you do with your gift? To what extent does it work?" I edged my face closer to his, to the point that we were breathing each other's breath, listening to the rhythms of each other's hearts – my every moral fibre screaming to go back, my head staying firmly in play "How about we give Mark Hamill a go? …What I quaint little Luke Skywalker you make… or this time Christopher Reeve… Oh Superman! Who'd have thought Fabian was a film nerd – it's not coming out until December!"

He bore a subtle grin and drew me closer. "Kiss me!"

"I'd be pleased to, Clark Kent…" I laughed, vibrating through our lips. "Real people now! Erm… James Potter… well… you got his nose wrong but good try… or… Lucius Malfoy." I let out a hearty yelp of happiness at the fact I was dominating over what appeared to be my cousins fiancé. And then my mind clicked, a cloud of dark thoughts seeping into my head, controlling the every part of my body. I leant into the boy's ear, playing with it a bit and then carefully whispered into the hole. "Why don't we try… Remus John Lupin?"

X

I dragged myself up the windinging staircase to my dorm, head scraping against the outer wall, pulling my hair into a lopsided mess, as I wallowed in an ugly disarray of self-pity and self-loathing. He was _**fifteen**_… that's not even _legal_… I was going to end up on some kind of sex offender's list and people would stare at me in the streets and say to their little children "Don't go near that man. He's the town pervert!" and then, eventually, I would depart this life a miserable elderly monster without a Remus Lupin to call my own…

I placed a firm hand against the old wood and pushed cautiously – him and Clabe had been in here when I'd left and, well, if they were going at it when I walked in I probably would have died on the spot.

"Hey… Caleb… what would you do if you found out that I was, say, a half-breed or something?"

I froze, leaving the door still only a crack open. Should I intervene? I mean this could cost him, if Kaaleeb was as clever as he pretended to be…

The boy snorted. "Well, what can I say? I'm a '_Mudblood'_… Though, it would all have to depend on what sort of half-breed you were. For example, in the case of a Veela I probably wouldn't be that surprised: you're stunning!"

I gave him a hateful glare through the door, the smooth talking bastard.

Then there was a quite shuffle, the sort that meant nothing good. "But, if you were something like a werewolf, say – and I know I really shouldn't discriminate because in the wizarding world I'm not really top notch – but, I don't know… I think I would be sort of worried at first, and then I don't know what I'd do…"

Silence.

"Oh, come on… I still love you. I just think that this 'what if' is over the top – Werewolves are really intimidating creatures… I suppose it might be ok for you because you're gay so there's not really a chance of impregnating a woman with the devil-sporn… But, you must have heard all of the things that Greyback dude has done, it'd be a bit stupid not to be even a little scared by the idea of a werewolf!"

This man was, if possible, worse than me… and that meant _a lot_! So, if I didn't deserve Remus, he certainly didn't!

"What, so if I was a werewolf, you'd leave me?" he sighed, a quiver resting at the back of his throat.

I was in my right mind to walk into the room and punch the idiot. Which one, I hadn't decided yet, though Remus deserved it for being such an imbecile to think this arsehole would ever accept him and Kaaleeb deserved it for being such a (for use of a better word) mother-fucker!

"Oh, for God's sake Remus! Why are you hurt by this? It's not as if it's real! I've made it perfectly clear that this is a stupid 'what if?' and it shouldn't be put seriously! I'm sorry for hypothetically valuing my life!"

Oh Merlin… oh Merlin on a bike… I should stop this, stop it right now…

"What is it, Rems? Why all of a sudden? There must be a reason, right?"

A loud intake of breath seeped through the crack.

How _could_ I stop it? He's on the verge of finding out… I could always blurt it out, but then I would ruin the life of the man I loved… I could interrupt… but the idea would already set in the Ravenclaw's mind…

"Are you o-"

I flopped into the room rather dramatically, as to whisk away any drags of the conversation. "Ugh, you have no idea how tired I am! There are still 4 days until my" I coughed sharply in an attempt to get them to take notice "_time of the month_, which makes me think it's gonna be a strong one!"

Remus stared at me in awe, eyes bulging from his head, Clabe handing me a heartfelt sneer.

"Rems, I know you hate me… but can you help me with my _fury little problem_ this month as well? I know that last time it was pretty close but I really need you this time if my gut instinct is right…"

His face still held no promises. "What are you on about, Sirius?"

I dumped my body onto my bed. "Oh, come on… He's your boyfriend, you don't need to pretend in front of him – he needs to know your friends, right? It's better than him getting the wrong idea!"

"But-"

"I'm tired… I think I'm going to go to sleep…" I stood and made my merry way at undressing.

"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?" came the shrill voice of the man I despised.

"Um… going to sleep…?"

"THEN WHY ARE YOU-"

"He sleeps naked…" Remus sighed, in the reasoning tone I just loved being surrounded by.

"_What_?"

"You know… n-a-k-e-d… your 'birthday suit'… when you're not wearing any clothes… like undressed… all exposed to the world…" I jeered, using the Ravenclaw's dark, unimpressed looks like some kind of fuel.

"Don't patronise me!" He growled.

"You're the one who asked. Besides," I clambered back onto the bed, completely unclothed, lying on my belly and lazily swinging my legs in the air "I'm what they call '_hot_' and if you are truly as homosexual as you pretend to be you wouldn't be able to _resist_!"

He stared at me blankly, completely ignoring his partner who now had his head buried in his hands in shame. "What, pray tell, is there to resist about you?"

"Please don't get him started, Caleb!"

"Well," I smirked, propping my head in the back of my hand "My strong, comforting biceps that could protect you from harm; abdominals to touch all night; supple latissimus; ripping pectorals and my personal favourite: a nice firm arse." My head rolled to the side in order to observe the most beautiful man on the planet, see if he would understand what I was about to say. "In terms of my personality: though I may not seem the most faithful of characters and some of the things I do are downright idiotic, my intentions are pure; I care for those I love when they're in danger; I don't lie about my emotions; when I say you're beautiful, I mean it..."

He flinched a little, turning to Kaaleeb who was still regarding me with the utmost despising.

"Is that it?"

"Oh, I could list more, but then we'd be here forever. Goodnight!" My body rolled to face the wall and I wrapped myself in my bedding like a sexy human fajita.

"What?" perked the wonderful voice of my Remus Lupin "But you need to be there when I announce to the house about the Easter Ball the Prefects are organising!"

"I'm not putting my clothes back on..." I sighed, turning my head a little so that I could see him "Just say it now!"

"Oh but I thought you'd like to bask in the glory of being jumped on by and army of little girls..."

"Shut up and get on with it or I'm going to stop listening!"

"Well, I think you know what a ball is, but the point I need to talk to you about is that Flitwick told me to tell you he wants you to play piano."

"Tell Flitwick that I told you to tell him to fuck off!" I snarled, flipping my head back to its original place and curling up.

He chuckled a little. "Yeah, he thought you'd say something like that... so, with a bit of persuading on my part, he said if you do, he'll charm your bike to fly!"

"I love you, Remus John Lupin!"

He didn't reply...


	47. Chapter 47

**Present - In the previous chapter, st**

**uff happens, and Remus agrees, partially, to the baby.**

* * *

I'd spent most of the morning 'Go Gadget Brain'-ing in a heartfelt attempt to keep my precious Remus Lupin _inside_ the house and not gallivanting around the country for Dumbledore. I still hadn't forgiven him for his last mission – he came in 4 hours later than the time he'd told me he would, and then he pretended like he'd _done nothing wrong_... in which time I'd decided that he had died in an awful accident and was on my way to making a poison to soothe the pain of living a life without him.

Though, to be quite honest, I believe my new-super-duper-schemey-weemy-don't-let-him-leave-my-sight-master-plan succeeded without hitch, apart from the fact he was pissed off rather than turned on. But I was Sirius Black, I could work with that.

"Padfoot, let me go _right now_!" he growled, free hand clawing at the metal I'd locked him to the bed with.

The back of my hand caressed his flushing cheeks and I placed a dainty kiss on his lips.

"Oh, Remmie, honey, what would be the fun in that?" I grinned, stepping back out of reach so only the tips of his fingers could brush against my clothing as he writhed about on the bed in a failing attempt to attack.

"Come closer so I can beat you up, you oversized fleabag!"

I swivelled my head and flashed him wounded glance. "You words stab me with the pain of a thousand daggers. I'm hurt..."

"_You're_ hurt? I'm the one tied to the bed by my nut-job fiancé! If youthink we're _ever_ going to get a child when this is how you treat me, you've got another thing coming!"

My head cocked to the side and I threw myself on the bed beside him, bending my neck a little to press my nose against his hair and absorb his sweet scent.

"Come on, Remsicles, don't be like that... I just don't want you out there in that horrible world, getting injured: I'm doing this for your protection..." I paused, smirking, and huffed out a little laugh that blew his hair askew. "Besides, it's one of my top 5 fantasies. Anyway, if we're going to have a child you need to know how to look after yourself."

His eyes shifted to glare at me. "And the last time you washed and shaved was...?"

"That's beside the point..." I hissed, slowly sliding my hand up to secretly fell my chin.

When I was finally able to abandon him, I was going to have a nice long shower and a good shave and come back fresh and sexy for his pleasure.

"That's _exactly_ the point! Don't tell me to look after myself if you can't either!"

I twisted to sit cross legged on his stomach and folded my arms, pulling '_the face_' as the old hag used to call it when I was a child. "If you're going to get angry about everything, the kid won't like you and they come running to me saying 'why is daddy such an angry poo?'"

"And when you cuff them to the bed I'll be the one they'll come running to and I'll be able to say 'I know, darling. He did it to me once. He's a psychopath you see!' and therefore I'll be a much better parent than you" He said triumphantly, nodding his head as if to further instate the point.

I grinned, shaking my head, and pecked his lips, breathing down on him "Oh, I wouldn't cuff them to the bed – that's strictly reserved for my gorgeous, wonderful, sexy Remus Lupin. What sort of a man-"

"Dog," he corrected.

"-_being _do you think I am?"

"A psychotic one?" he replied, looking at me like an innocent child and then gave a frightful yank on the metal, wincing as he did so.

A grin made its way across my features and I shook my head, tousling his hair. "If you struggle, you're only going to hurt yourself."

"Let me go or God help me I will cut open your stomach open and laugh as you entrails spill out all over this awful interior design!"

I shuffled up his torso and bent down closer to his face. "Oh, Rems, I love it when you get all sexy and threatening like that. Makes me want to gobble you up whole."

My head moved forward to give him a long passionate kiss, but instead my lips ended up on his cheek, leaving a wet mark.

"Stop rejecting me or you'll never be free..."

"Then so be it!"

I slid off him, curling up to the side in my animagus form and gazing at him from over my bushy tail.

"What do you want? Because me, I want to be free, to go save the free wizarding world from almost certain demise and all you wanted was to chain your fiancé to a bed when if you'd asked nicely, when he got back he would've happily met you there anyway."

I rolled onto my back, grinning, tongue lolling out of the side of my mouth as my tail beat about against the bed cloth. He lifted a hand and gave a comforting scratch to my stomach.

"You know, I think I prefer you as a dog," he smirked. "Firstly, no opposable thumbs to chain people up with. Two, no speech. Three, you're cuddly. Four, you can't nag me about having kids and five, you're a lot more loving."

My paws patted at my head in embarrassment. 'You're cuddly' would have done just fine for me. But the rest...

"Can you free me now please?" He sighed, removing my paws and giving me a hard look.

I changed back and licked his cheek.

"Nah, sorry baby-cakes, but we're talking and I like it. That's why I can't let you go..." Then an exciting thought bounced into my head, making me jump to life. "Hey, when we get the kid, what'll we call it?"

"I don't know... I'm not sure we're even doing this yet... I mean, are we going to find a surrogate mother or are we going to adopt or what?"

"Frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn. A kid's a kid and that's that. It will be our and we'll love it to bits and it'll be the best child going!"

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**And, please, if you have anytime after reading this can you give me a quick review? O'd really love to know what everyone thinks about the fic, what you like and what you think could do with improving ^ ^**


	48. Chapter 48

**Past - In the previous chapter, shit happens and Sirius saves Remus' skin.**

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Fabian danced into my dorm, grinning and singing to himself, before he dropped to the ground in an elaborate finishing pose, an arm outstretched, the other curved elegantly, both pointing to the mess of red hair in top of his head.

"For the dance, I have decided to go-" His head lifted to look at me through a veil of vibrant colour "-_ghingha_!"

I moved towards him, giving him a faint smile "What, as opposed to ginger?"

"Mmhm... and it matches my eyes!" He shifted his head to look round me at the mirror "Oh, yes, I am one sexy beast!"

"Don't get your hopes up, kid," came the snide groan of his elder brother.

"Why, because in 2 years he might end up looking like you?" I laughed, hugging the youngest.

"Fuck off, Black!"

My grin spread – pissing him off was like an elixir of life, each blow making me float higher and higher "Oh, are you still smarting from when I put those Doxys in your pants draw?"

"Yes," he snarled "and that time you hexed my broom so it was stuck on right turn; and the time you drew penises all over the essay it took me 3 days to write that I didn't find out about until the next morning when I gave it to the professor and it had 'I LOVE COCK' written in capitals on the first page; and that time you put me under a confundus charm and gave me a frog with a blonde wig and made me snog it"- his whole body convulsed as if recalling something truly horrific - "and I snogged it until it _died_!"

I put my hand to my chest and pulled a sympathetic smirk "You know, it hurts to have such wisdom pulsing through my veins and, I've been hoping, that if I bang him hard enough, some of this wisdom will pass through me unto your little brother here."

The Ravenclaw's face scrunched up into a ball of ugly hate "You're a dick – imagine if I went and fucked _your_ little brother!"

"You can have him! He's a _munt_!"

"Oh, shut up!" he snapped, throwing himself on the bed, next to Remus who was attempting to muffle his laughter "This isn't funny! You're supposed to be my partner!"

"Aw, is you ego hurt, Kaadweeb?" I chuckled.

"Didn't I already tell you to fuck off, Sirius I-have-pubes-for-hair Black?"

"If your pubes looked as good as my hair does, you'd probably be a porn star with a talking penis and, since you're neither, you can only dream that my hair looks like pubes!"

"Who says I don't have a talking penis?" he growled.

I paused for a minute in mock-contemplation "That _might _just explain why you're such a dick! Do you let your cock do the talking?"

"You know, you're like one of those wasps, the ones that crawl under your skin and plant their eggs and then when they hatch _loads of tiny wasps_ burst out from the depths and attack people!"

"Hmm..." I smirked "I probably am – I mean I've already 'planted my eggs' in Remus _and_ Fabian... I'd say Remus might even be ready to hatch so I wouldn't go anywhere near his hole for the next few weeks or you might be attacked by _loads of tiny Blacks_!"

He clambered to his feet and gave me daggers from across the room "No one speaks about my boyfriend like that! We're taking this outside!"

"I'm sorry, I was only presenting my wish to impregnate him..." My lip jutted and I pulled my puppy dog eyes "Besides, I like it in here – it's more embarrassing for you with more people around!"

He stepped towards me, nostril flared, flexing with each raging breath; eye twitching; fingers balling into a scarlet fist "Why don't you say that to my face, you little shit?"

I kept my expression quite vacant as he drew even closer to me, I wasn't threatened, I was curious to see what he'd do next.

"Well?" he spat as he effectively stood on me and pressed his furious little face ever closer to mine.

What it appeared, at that moment, was that he'd forgotten it was Sirius Black he was playing with and Sirius Black is not one to play fair or get into meaningless fights with idiots. So I licked from his weird-arse bum-chin to his hair line, giving him a pleased smile when I was done.

"You taste like loneliness and butt crack... I _think_ you need to get that sorted out..."

"And you'd know all about what that'd taste like, wouldn't you?" laughed Remus.

"Yes, and I don't think it's yours though, yours tastes like roses and sweet things... or have you changed your diet since the last time I checked?"

"The last time you checked must have been over a year ago so probably..." and then he bore a wide grin "Oh, sorry, I forgot you liked to lick my arse in the night!"

"Oh, Rems, honey, it's not only in the night, I'm a full-time Remus arse lick! Ready for your every waking call! I like to lick surfaces after you've sat on them – it's the only thing that keeps me going these days!" I grinned.

"There's something seriously wrong with you, darlin'"

"Touché, Moons..." I rubbed my eye with my fist, trying to draw away the emotions that were building up within me through a faint punch.

This room was stifling me, the faces, the people, the tension, tightening and tightening as if we were all pulling for one dainty piece of rope. I wanted to push back, to let it all free. I needed to be alone. My body shifted itself to the door in a slow drowsy movement, scrambling for air, for peace, for a place to warm myself, warm the chest of a man with a glass heart; face clawing as it had been doing for the passing months, hurling into a look of hate, not that I did, I was just straining, straining to stop the tears.

"Toodle pip, I'm off to the races..." I called, trying to retain the norm.

I was going to die if it were like this tomorrow, if I had to watch them dance, if I had to induce their joy with a set of pleasant melodies, if I had to pretend I was happy. I was tired of pretending, sick and bloody tired of it. From this stand point, death seemed soothing, a friendly hand, a strawberry boat upon a river of bliss.

The dorm door clunked open behind me, followed by a crude slam.

"Where do you think you're going? I wasn't finished!" growled Clabe, grabbing my shoulder.

I turned slowly, giving him a cold, hard look – I wasn't going to waste my time or energy putting on an act for him "Well I was... so get out of my sight..."

"Oh, hard man! Getting all surly! Think you can take me on?"

"What is there to achieve if you fight me when there's no one around?" I sighed, pressing away from him and moving toward the staircase "Leave me alone..."

"I'm trying to assert my dominance over worthless losers like you!" he sneered, pursuing me further down the steps.

I leant against the wall and heaved down to my feet "Remus doesn't care about dominance, he needs your heart, your body, your love; not empty promises. If you can't give them to him your more worthless than any 'loser' you will ever encouter."

His throat gurgled with laughter "Who said this was about Remus? I just want destroy you, fair and square!"

"You've already taken everything I have and I lost my pride a _long _time ago – there's nothing left to destroy apart from an empty shell."

He smirked, passing me on the way down with a knock on the shoulder "I guess I'll have to take the shell, then..."


	49. Chapter 49

**Present - In the previous chapter, Sirius hand cuffs Remus to the bed in a plan to keep him from leaving.**

**Enjoy and review x**

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I snatched the damp dishcloth from the edge of the sink, furiously squeezing it, drawing grey moisture in between my fingers, before swiping it across the worktop. It was quite curious as to how Molly thought this rag could be used to _clean_ things, taking into account the dark brown streaks I'd just left on the side and the fact that it had the smell of a dirty sock that had been left to stagnate outside in rainwater for a month.

"Stupid, bitch..." I muttered to myself, covering the rest of the worktops with the dirt from the cloth. "This sort of crap is for _house elves_... ever wonder why we have Kreacher?"

There were so much better things I could be doing in my spare time, doing with my fiancé... doing... _in_ my fiancé...

I smirked, leaning back against the counter and pulling a tea towel from the rack, watching Remus as he bent about to reach for plates. As of late, I hadn't really spent the time to stand and admire his arse from afar, and decided to take The Hag's punishment as a blessing, as it was, well, rather nice. These days, he seldom had the money to buy new trousers, meaning he was currently wearing a pair I'd bought him on his 20th Birthday, that seemed to be firmly holding his behind in a rather depraved manner, intoxicating, persuading me I wanted to as well.

As he reached out further and further across the table to collect a plate, it became ever more compelling to do something primitive and jaunty. So with the dishcloth in my hand, I made a lash at his now unguarded rear, bearing a broad grin when he turned to glare at me with glowing pink cheeks.

"You're gonna _die_, Black," he hissed, rising and slowly drawing in on me in an all too threatening approach.

Though his tactics of intimidation didn't quite work on the man that had been famed as a child for being -_frequently forced into dresses by his quite insane mother_- afraid of nothing but those huge chickens with the feathers all the way down their legs that made them look like they were wearing flares; ducking around him and folding my arms with a faint cocky smile. He shook his head and turned away, grabbing the newly named 'dirtying sock' from the edge of the sink to wipe down the table. You'd have thought that my earlier exploitation regarding him and bending over would have taught him not to expose his arse while I was behind him with a towel, but clearly it hadn't.

"Honestly, you've though that all these children had been raised by barn animals," he moaned, scrubbing fervently at the filth on the table.

"Well, judging by Molly's tail, I think they must have been," I grinned, sincerely hoping that the charm hadn't quite worn of yet, the image of Arthur crawling into bed next to her and having a little curly pig's tail pointing awkwardly back at him still amusing me.

"Our kids won't be like that," he dictated, scrubbing more furiously at a dark stain on the table top. "They'll be perfect and beautiful and will be loved by the world!"

I felt my core light up, pleasantly radiating out of my body.

"_Kids_? As in _plural_? _More_ than _one_?"

He gave me a curt nod.

"Oh, Remus, my beautiful Remus! I love you, I love you, I love you!" I called, grabbing his face and pulling him into a full-frontal kiss.

He toppled backwards onto the table, from an awkward jerk of surprise, though it was useful enough, pushing him further up it and crawling above him. I attacked his lips once more in an onslaught of passion, before he politely pushed me away, panting somewhat.

"Siri, honey, what if Harry and the others come down?"

"Darling, I'm not ashamed of what I am. If they find out, they find out. Besides, I want to soil the table Molly eats her food off of..." I grinned, sitting down on him so he couldn't escape.

"We have to eat off this table as well!"

"Yes but we've both had a fair share of each other's bodily fluids throughout the years, so it doesn't really bother me. Now shut up and let me kiss you!"

He nodded back at me, glowing with embarrassment as he lent up to meet in the middle with a bitter sweet touch of our lips, slow, repetitive, comforting; fervour carefully pushing its way forward, to crush into the very rhythms or our lips, of our bodies; hand surreptitiously making its way under his shirt. His head tilted up, exposing his neck, coaxing me to kiss down it, biting against the warm pump of his artery and leaving a dark, red mark in its place.

He suddenly started, knocking me backwards off him and onto the floor.

"Oh, don't stop on my account, I was enjoying it," scoffed the voice of a Weasley twin, as I clambered back to my feet.

"What are you doing down here at this hour?" Remus attempted to reprimand, off the table now but still as wonky and dishevelled.

"Got a problem, kiddo?" I smirked, wrapping my arms around my fiancé's waist and letting a hand run down toward his groin before he graciously pulled it off and placed it at his side.

"No," the boy said, lifting the mug of tea up to his mouth. "But my mother will..."

"But you're not going to do that, are you?" I hissed, moving towards him, presenting a look as hostile as I could muster.

"Maybe I will, maybe I won't... But I might be more _inclined_ if there was something in it for me..."

For a heavy moment, I considered offering him a night with Remus, but came to the conclusion he was probably having enough twincest as it were from the rational thinkings of my mind - if I had an identical twin, I so would! So, reluctantly, I dropped a bag of money into his palm and towed Rems from the room.


	50. Chapter 50

**Past - In the previous chapter, Caleb is a tit... erm... Remus and Sirius sort of resolve things... ish... but it isn't in my chapter so if you haven't read it you need to go to Andraste...**

**Also, as a celebration of our 50TH CHAPTER (100th if you add them both together), we've made this one SUPER LONG and SUPER SPECIAL... hope you can bear it ;) Enjoy and review!**

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Morning had sprung to life around me, beautiful, bright. Everything more wonderful than what I'd become so used to; everything smiling and waiting for dusk, for the dance, for Remus to press his delicate hands into my chest and return my heart. I could still feel his lips on my forehead, the soft pressure lingering overnight, making the whole world sing as I sauntered about my day.

X

He stood in front of the mirror, fumbling with his tie, shirt, waistcoat, trying to make everything as perfect as humanly possible, though I wasn't sure that it was going to be that hard. I was only a few feet behind him, watching his head as his hair glistened gold and yellow in the light, his lengths running against the silk that covered his back with every tiny movement he made. My hand twitched beside me, yearning you touch it, to feel it once more; slowly progressing out in front of me on its own accord. Part of myself tried to stop it, reign it back in, but the rest of my being pushed it forward, knowing the satisfying taste even a moment of contact with the fine strings would give, confident that last night's deal had hummed a silent declaration that this was permitted. For a blissful second, my fingers grazed the very tips of his hair. But he stepped away from my hand, off to the side, looking slightly flustered and a little uncertain.

"Erm... do you want to use the mirror to put on your... err... _cravat_?" He chocked – in a voice almost unrecognisable to his usual charming accent – despite the fact that it had been neatly done up for the past 10 minutes.

I shuffled about my clothes for a while, staring at myself _alone_ in the mirror, wondering why, regarding my dream as its walls slowly showed signs of giving. I hoped that it wouldn't stay like this, this sudden nervousness after we'd pulled ourselves over the first hurdle. Maybe he was scared I'd hurt him again. Maybe what had happened last night was a dream.

"You know," smiled Remus, sitting himself down on top of his trunk. "It's going to be really fun seeing everyone together all dressed up like grownups. I mean I've already seen the dress Lily's wearing – it's stunning, James'll be so proud!" The his head dipped a little, quiet symptoms of a cheerful grin appearing on his face. "I'm really glad that we've made up now, so there are no hard feelings. It'll be good to be able to dance with you as just a friend..."

I gave an acknowledging grunt, mind too preoccupied with the crumple of my world to form a coherent sentence.

_As just a friend..._

I felt my body collapse in on itself, implode, to create a gaping black hole in my head, a dementor to suck all of the happiness from my very existence.

"Look, and Caleb got me a tie to match his! Isn't that cute?" He beamed, pointing at his neck.

"You accepted something from Kaadweeb?" I laughed, knowing if I didn't I would have cried.

"Anyway," he stood and did a twirl. "How do I look?"

A moment passed where I had no idea what to say.

Then, I moved towards him with the solemn face of a father ready to give away his daughter's hand in marriage, placed a subtle kiss on his cheek and sighed "You look stunning..." before leaving the dorm to sort my music and cry silently.

X

My fingers pushed off the keys, carefully leaping back onto my lap and waiting for the hall around me to pause. I'd done my half of the deal, right. I could get out of this room, this feeling of despair, let my hair down and hope to be free.

I snatched my sheets from the stand to the faint rumble of applause and marched down to the steps.

Franz Liszt, Consolation 2 in E major. Consolation_ my arse_! My hands _still_ trembled as I played, as I watched from the corner of my eye the only man I had ever _truly_ loved smiling in the arms of another, as my head dissected every movement he'd ever made, word he'd ever spoken to look for clues. **This was **_**no consolation**_. My whole body _still_ clenched despite the music, stabbed within me, killed me when his eyes made momentary contact with mine. I _still_ would have been happy to drop dead not matter how beautiful it sounded. I _still_ had to bend toward the piano's body and make sure that the loose parts of hair masked my face so the whole of the school didn't have to see me cry.

Remus didn't even care to stay for the end of the song I'd learnt for him, and _still_ it didn't warm me.

"That was beautiful," Fabian smiled as I dropped myself off the last step, hugging my arm. "But you didn't play the sheet music I got you..."

I gave a slight shrug. "Moonlight Sonata isn't really appropriate for a dance."

"Why not?" He whined, squeezing my arm tighter.

"Because it's depressing, overrated and just not the sort of thing you can dance to..."

He laughed and pointed to my neck. "You also didn't wear the tie I got you!"

"It ruined my outfit," I grumbled.

"What does it feel like to have such a large cloud of despair floating over your head?" He smirked. "Don't get too close to the girls or it might rain on their dresses!"

"Don't tempt me..."

"You're acting rather sardonic today, aren't you? Even Remus said-"

"I don't care..." I grunted.

"- that when you were getting dr-"

"I SAID I DON'T _CARE_ WHAT REMUS HAS TO SAY!"

He was taken aback at my yell, now standing a few feet away from me, eyes wide, hands shaking at his side in what looked like a mix of hurt and fear. I instantly regretted it. He was the last thing I had left, the last thing I could call my own.

For a minute I thought he was going to cry before he looked up at me with a soft smile.

"You know, I was stupid to think that I could trap you like one of those girls, so I could keep the infamous Sirius Black all to myself, I really was... I don't know how I thought it would work with a man so obviously smitten with someone else... and yet I marched through hoping for the best and when it didn't come I pushed and pushed and pushed and now we're standing here... I knew that it would turn out like this, being left with a broken heart... well... not quite broken but slightly brazen..."

He lifted his hand up to wipe below his eye, drawing the damp onto his finger.

"Fabes, look, I'm sorry..."

He grinned at me again, keeping to his cheerful, mocking self. "Well it was a riot while it lasted but now I think I'm gonna go find myself a 6th year with knockers the size of beach balls. Adois!"

"No, Fabian, please don't go, I-"

Though I found myself stopping, tired of empty words and false hopes. They would only hurt more in the long run. Besides, I might be able to learn from myself, my mistakes; maybe this pain would make me a better man in the long run.

I shifted from my spot at the bottom of the stage - tired of the people that were now surrounding and staring as if attempting to get a glimpse of my torn soul - not caring where my legs were taking me: I just needed to breathe, to be alone.

X

I dragged myself up the final step, looking down the spiralling staircase to the cold glint of marble floor at the very bottom, listening half-heartedly to the unhurried patter of footsteps echoing from space below.

My body turned to face the openness of the astronomy tower, to feel the cool night-time gently run its fingertips over my features, to hear the faint rush of the wind as it swam through the very tops of the trees. Such was a place my essence had sought for, a quaint repose in the face of all this hideous mayhem, like fair blue silk on the gown of a heartless queen.

Slowly, I paced towards the icy metal railings, staring out across the landscape; each star glittering, piercing silver through the ominous black; the dregs of the day resting dark blue at foot of the sky, leaving fading silhouettes of the world behind itself. If you bent forward far enough, you could see the orange glow of the festivities in the hall sliding through the archways, maybe even the soft definition of a gathering of people, or a couple, relaxing outside, their conversations resonating against the deathly silence.

I found myself letting go for just a moment at the peace around me, arms resting on the bars, eyes closed in sweet harmony. My iron grip on the paper loosened a little, no longer scared of the water that hid in the glands, no longer at any need to try and force them back. Because, of course, they wouldn't come – I didn't have the energy in me anymore to spend my time crying.

Carefully, I opened my eyes to the tickling sheets of music slipping from my fingers, to regard them as they caroused across the nothing in front of me, gliding outwards into the real world – wondering how blissful life would be as an inanimate object without the mistake that is called love and human compassion.

"Beautiful night, isn't it?" Came a voice behind me, startling me a little. "Though I don't think it's clever wasting the music you spent so long perfecting, hmm..."

His face stayed as calm and composed as ever. A comforting smile resting in the groves of his aged skin as he lent against the railing and stared into the distance as if in deep though.

"Though the most stunning things on this earth can be the most painful, the most tearing life can give us. You, Sirius, need to learn that love is one of those things."

I turned my head from the old man, pulling my hair from its ties so there was a clear barrier between us – I came here to relax, not you get lectured.

"But what would I know? I'm just an old headmaster..." He sighed, words fraying at the edges to show the slightest glimpse of worn sorrow.

I felt a little of myself seeping from within him, in the flavour of his words, compelling me to look at his face, to share a moment of common ground. Though, when I turned to him he didn't look sad, just holding the expression of a man lost firmly in the past. And then, as if awakening from a dream, he became alert once more.

"You know, your friends really do care about you," he smiled, warmheartedly patting me on the back and turning to leave.

My eyes followed him as he exited the tower, eyes lingering at the top of the stairs as a quiet crack of disapparation echoed through the hole, hoping for something more interesting to jump through, something warm looking, soft, something that gave the impression it could give me the hug I really needed.

Though the something that appeared was nothing like what I needed, his sharp blue eyes pouncing through the night-time air, latching their claws to my chest and tearing to get at the cold glass below as he progressed towards me. I knew he didn't intend to hurt me, he was already looking sore enough himself, but something about his presence only drew grey clouds around my head.

He sighed, resting his back against the bars, looking up into the roof in what seemed to be an attempt to refrain from making direct eye contact with me. I hadn't really noticed before how slender and tall he'd actually become in my absence, legs stretching out in front of him, tightly hugged by his satin trousers. If I hadn't know any better, I would have wanted to jump on him that very moment, but I wasn't that Sirius Black anymore.

Remus's head turned to me, rather sheepishly at first, and then he heaved.

"Clabe's a dickhead..."

"I could have told you that about 5 months ago when you started dating him," I grunted, not ready to have his problems shoved upon me when I had a way to go before I got over my own.

"I know, I think you did actually... I just didn't want to listen to you because... well… I don't know..."

I propped my arm on the bar and looked over my shoulder at the darkness outside of the grounds. As much as I would have loved to say something back, even let myself accept what sounded so much like an apology, the vital words eluded me. So for a short while, I watched him as he played with his hair, removed his tie and loosened his shirt in an all to seductive manner.

"It's so good to be able to breathe, alone like this, away from all the people down there, " he smiled, inhaling slowly, deeply, each breath measured and perfect.

"You're not alone if I'm here..."

"Ok then," he grinned, eyes holding a hint of slyness in their depths. "Alone like this... _with you_..."

The tips of his fingers brushed at the front of my hair, smoothing it out; carefully twisting and twirling about it as they drew further and further into the dark mess. I couldn't quite goad myself into stopping him, basking in the warmth of his touch, the tingling at my scalp, the prosperity of human contact. And slowly, I let him touch my lips, let ours play, dance in a rush of longing and excitement. I wanted him so much, down to the deepest, darkest corners of my existence. But that meant nothing, nothing at all in reality.

I pulled off of him.

"Please… Please just stop… _Please_ don't do this… I can see that Caleb's hurt you somehow… but this is worthless if you don't love me…"

"And what if I _do_?"

He clutched at my arm, preventing me from moving any further away.

"But that's the thing, you don't… you're just playing around and frankly all you're doing is wasting your energy… what can you get from this other than pulling me lower than I already am?"

"That's not what I'm trying to do!"

"Then what? What is it? Do you think this is some kind of game that you can play with Kaaleeb? Let me tell you now I have _nothing_ left! _Absolutely_ _**nothing**_!"

I let out a long heartfelt sight, hoisting myself up to perch on the railings.

"You know… sometimes I think this is all a dream… a horrible nightmare that I might be able to wake from…" I paused, tilting my head over the gap a bit to observe the ground below. "… if I just… _jumped_… if I just hit the ground I'd wake up flailing and realise it was all in my head… and I'd stop the dare… and we'd all be… all be fine…"

"Sirius…?" Remus gurgled, eyebrows arched, staring at me nervously. "Please don't do something stupid."

I heaved another long sigh.

"Don't worry… This world is too alive… There's too much wind and sound and smells and feelings… too much…"

I stuck my arm out, opening my fingers and letting the cool spring air play between them. So soothing, comforting, wrapping itself around my hand. On a momentary impulse, I found myself standing on the metal strip, arms spread, catching the wind, letting it run about my body, fumble in my hair like the hands of a lost lover. Even as I leant back it held me tight, propping me up, preventing me from falling; the quiet rush massaging my back in little pushes.

"Sirius… _Sirius_, come down… be careful…"

I tilted my head back, eyes closed, to feel with the power of all my senses.

"Sirius… Are you listening to me? Please, just-"

"It feels beautiful, Rems, beautiful. Come on, come up here!"

"It's dangerous," he called, apprehension hanging in the back of his throat. "I don't want either of us to get hurt…"

I opened my eyes to look down at him, pushing a calm smile across my features and outreaching a hand to his level.

"Trust me, I won't let you fall."

His fingers quivered hesitantly beside him, balling into a uneasy, red fist. Thenceforth, it rose, spreading out in small, uncertain jerks, to rest at my fingertips in a comforting lock. An odd happiness pulsed through my veins at the kindly touch, sending a pleased tremble to move my body. I really hadn't believed he'd make such a gesture, that he would actually hand his safety over for my keeping.

"Remus! What are you doing? Let go of that piece of scum this instant!"

He flinched a little at the voice that growled from behind, the voice that I thoroughly despised. I couldn't tell if it was from hate or fear or some kind of twisted form of love and obligation, but something moved within him from that sound, something stirred, to draw him to look at me with a face of pity, a face that only meant 'Sorry', before he pulled apart our fingers.

It would not have been possible, at that moment, to have wished more that our hands had been merged the instant they had touched, so we were spared the inevitability of parting. But such was life, or mine at least.

And when he turned his back on me, my chest shook, ringing back on itself that terrible note, shivering, distorting under the pain. It wasn't worth it anymore. I wasn't even sure if it was worth it in the first place, but at least I had the peace of mind back then – I hadn't quite managed to have the same thing stolen off me, twice, at the hand of the same monstrosity.

"I'm sorry, Moony," I called to the back of his head. "I'm sorry for all the heart break, all the problems, the mistakes, the bad times… For what it's worth, I'm even sorry for the good times for making the bad times feel so much worse!"

With the last words in me served to him, I pushed back once more to feel the wind fly past my ears, to watch the nights sky. And as the world tumbled upwards in a blur, I regarded the crystal shards pull from my eyes and run in the up flowing air, hoping that a kindly star would catch them, take pity on what remained of my glass heart.

XX

There are few of us who have not sometimes wakened before dawn, either after one of those dreamless nights that make us almost enamoured of death, or one of those nights of horror and misshapen joy, when through the chambers of the brain sweep phantoms more terrible than reality itself, and instinct with the vivid life that lurks in all grotesques, and that lends to Gothic art it's enduring vitality, this art being, one might fancy, especially the art of those whose minds have been troubled by the malady of reverie. Gradually white fingers creep through the curtains, and they appear to tremble. In black fantastic shapes, dumb shadows crawl into corners of the room, and crouch there. Outside, there is the stirring of birds among the leaves, or the sound of men going to their work, or the sigh and sob of the wind coming down from the hills, and wandering round the house, as though it feared to wake the sleepers, and yet must needs call forth sleep from her purple cave. Veil after veil of thin dusky gauze is lifted, and by the degrees the forms and colours of things are restored to them, and we watch the dawn remake the world in its antique pattern. The wan mirrors get back their mimic life. The flameless tapers stand where we had left them, and beside them lies the half-cut book we had been studying, or the wired flower we had worn to the ball, or the letter we had been afraid to read, or that we had read too often. Nothing seems to us unchanged. Out of the unreal shadows of the night comes back the real life that we had known. We have to resume it where we had left off, and there steals over us a terrible sense of the necessity for the continuance of energy in the same wearisome round of stereotyped habits, or a wild longing, it may be, that our eye lids might open some morning to a world that had been refashioned anew in the darkness for our pleasure, a world in which things would have fresh shapes and colours, and be changed, or have other secrets, a world in which the past would have little or no place, or survive, at any rate, in no conscious form of obligation or regret, the remembrance even of joy having its bitterness, and the memories of pleasure their pain.

_- Oscar Wilde, The Picture of Dorian Gray_


	51. Chapter 51

**Present - In the previous chapter, there is some sexy time cleaning the kitchen.**

**Enjoy, review and recommend x**

* * *

I watched out of the corner of my eye as Moody took Harry from the 'prefects celebration', coaxing him off into the hall way and taking something out of his pocket. As of yet I hadn't quite worked out what he was trying to do, but I was sure he had the intention, like everyone else that entered in this house, of breaking my J-Harry Potter.

Carefully, as not to get spotted by Remus, I made my way over to fix the boy before the old man could do any more possible damage.

"What's that you've got there, Mad-Eye?" I called over the auror's shoulder, inspecting what he was now holding.

When I worked out what I was, it no longer bothered me that the boy had slipped away, motioning to Remus to take a look. He skipped over, arching around the picture as if we were all in some kind of drugs huddle.

"Ah... the Order days... apart from the fact that we both look rather dashing, why are you showing me this?" He sighed, cocking his head to the side in a face riddled with patronisation.

A quiet smirk spread across my features.

"Look what I can do..."

I jabbed at the photo, moving everyone but my younger self and Remus aside, pushing them together with the tips of my fingers.

"Fuck!" I dictated, a little, opened-mouth smile of anticipation playing on my face.

Neither of us seemed to look very impressed from within the picture, Remus with what seemed to be an exact replica of the expression of disapproval he was wearing this instant. I jabbed harder at both of our sides, pushing us so were basically on top of one another. My patience was wearing.

"_Come on_! Why won't you just _fuck_ or _make out_ or _something_?"

"Yeah, Remus?" Came a my tiny voice from within the photo. "Why won't we just '_fuck _or _make out_ or _something_'? I mean I swear the last time we actually screwed had to have been at least 2 months ago!"

"It was half a day ago, you sex mad freak!" Yelled the little Remus back again.

"Well maybe if you'd make it a little more memorable... or is it that you don't like it any more from me 'CAUSE YOU'RE TAKING FUCKING VOLDEMORT?"

I flinched slightly, recalling an argument we'd had that was very much along these precarious lines; stirred only by Remus' slow, sarcastic handclap.

"Well done, genius! You've managed to get a photo of our younger selves into an argument that'll probably ruin the photo for the next 20 years... _Only you_ could do that, Siri... _only you_..."

I grinned at him, wrapping an arm around his shoulders, as not to cause any suspicion among the kids.

"And _that's_ why you love me!"

"No! No... riddikulus! Riddikulus! RIDDIKULUS!" Came a shrill yell from the stairs behind us.

Remus instantly spun round and rushed to the drawing room, sensing the misfortune like he'd been dropped in a radioactive vat and came out with a really shitty superpower.

"What's going on? ... Oh ... Riddikulus!"

I watched as he turned Harry's bloody corpse into the moon and then to a wisp of smoke. Initially, I had thought that Molly had succeeded in breaking my Harry, and then I resided to stared at the spot where he had been, taking the fact that Remus' Boggart was the moon and not me walking out on him or being a werewolf as a very large insult, trying to will the dead body back with my eyes to take my mind off things.

"Molly," he sighed, moving towards her and crouching down to give her support, comfortingly patting the back of her head. "Molly, it was just a Boggart, nothing but a stupid Boggart..."

"I see them de-dead all the time... all the time in my dreams..." she sobbed, clutching onto his cardigan and covering it in her stinky tears that he would probably smell of tonight in bed. "D-d-d-don't tell Arthur. I-I-I don't want him to know... jus – hic – being silly..."

I couldn't help but muffle a laugh as he handed her a handkerchief that I distinctly remember jointly using as a fapkin – it didn't matter what state she was in, revenge was _sweet_.

"What must you all think of me? I can't even get rid of a stupid old Boggart..."

Harry gave a nervous smile. "Don't be stupid."

"I'm just so worried. Half the families in the Order, it'll be a miracle if we all come out of this alive... and P-Percy's not talking to us... what if something terrible happened and we d-d-didn't make up with him? A-and what's going to happen if Arthur and I get killed... who's g-going to look after Ron and Ginny?" she moaned, eyes spewing, snot dribbling down her face.

Remus tilted his head to the side, firmly licking his jaw forward and giving her a momentary look of distain.

"That's enough! This isn't like the last time. The Order's prepared, we know what Voldemort's up to."

She squealed at the name, holding harder on my fiancés shoulder in what looked like would give him a bruise.

"Oh, Molly, it's about time you get used to hearing his name... Look, I can't promise we'll a be fine, no one can, but there's more a chance than last time. You weren't in it back then, youd wouldn't understand, but we were outnumbered 20 to one and they were picking us off one by one." He reasoned, rubbing her back.

"And don't worry about Percy," I added, attempting to look like a good person too. "He'll come round when Voldemort comes out in the open, like the rest of the Ministry – begging us for forgiveness... _And I don't think I'll be able to accept their apology_..."

Rems smiled. "And as for who'd to look after Ron and Ginny, what do you think we'd do? Let them starve?"

She beamed, still a little soggy around the edges, clambering to her feet.

"Yeah, I'm just being silly..."

Once she'd left the room with Harry, I sidled over, giving Moons a dark look.

"By no means am I going to look after her fugly children!"

He raised an eyebrow at me and left shaking his head.


	52. Chapter 52

**Past - In the previous chapter, the Easter Ball occurs and, in short, Sirius decides it would be clever to throw himself off the astronomy tower.**

**Enjoy, review and recommend x**

* * *

My eyes slowly opened, whiteness glaring back at me, burning to the very backs, willing me to close them once more. I had no idea where I was, the sounds, the smells so unfamiliar to my body. Maybe it was Heaven, Heaven was supposed to be white, right? Then I thought about it more clearly: I was gay; I beat up people simply because I could, and I'd just committed suicide – all major 'no go's if you wanted to go to a _better place, _or so they called it. Besides, there was no place in this universe that could be classed as greater, if there wasn't a Remus John Lupin that came with it.

My lids fluttered a little, wanting to break from the darkness, to get a glimpse of where I was.

Squinting through my lashes, I was able to make out the very outlines of things in pale blurs of colour, afraid of the sharp light that glowered around me. There was clearly a bit of movement, wherever I was, there was something alive, dark blobs sweeping back and forth across my vision like fat, bumbling flies. I felt a slight, warm pressure rest itself on my forearm and comfortingly rub at it.

"James, I think he's stirring…" Called an all too familiar voice from the depths. "I don't care if you're keeping a look out for moping girls, he needs us both here when he finally wakes up!"

I rolled into the sound, clasping for something I knew, something that wasn't quite as scary. Though a stab at my leg stopped me from moving any further; my gaze adjusting a little, becoming more friendly with the painful glow and fixing on a flow of red hair.

"Lily?" I croaked, voice course and airy, sliding my hands up her arm and clutching in pure terror of this unknown place. "Where am I?"

"It's ok, you're in the infirmary…"

"Do you remember anything about last night?" James asked, leaning in and placing a hand on my shoulder.

"Don't addle him, let his mind take it in in its own time…" She sighed, turning to me with a warm smile. "Last night, you fell off the Astronomy Tower – there's a rumour spreading that you jumped, but let's put that to the side for a moment…"

I nodded, wide eyed and the slightest bit disorientated.

"Luckily, Remus was there and he managed to slow you down before you hit the ground… Your left leg is broken and you might have concussion, but as far as we know, everything else is fine…"

I slumped backwards into the pillow, taking in a deep breath and closing my eyes. I was definitely in Hell, or might as well have been – nothing had changed, it had gotten worse if anything.

For a moment, I let my eyes roll about in the darkness, absorbing the words and making what was left of me process them.

"Where is he?" I whispered, almost out of instinct, words moving freely off of my tongue.

"What?"

"Where is he? Where's Remus?"

"Err… I… don't know… he's not here…"

My throat seized on itself, wringing and choking in denial, so I was barely able to wheeze the words "Find him."

"James, you go," Lily grinned. "If you're around he'll probably want to jump out of bed and do something exciting with you, and we can't have that with his leg broken."

I turned to look at the girl, pulling my arm from beneath her hand.

"Both... both of you go and find him… it'll be faster that way…"

"Sirius, you need someone here to accompany you. You don't want to be alone for however long it takes – in case you haven't noticed, this school is huge!" She stated, gripping my arm once more.

"I said I want you both to find him, so find him… I'll be _fine_… I'm always fine…"

Any life in the hospital wing fluttered away with their moving feet, sitting alone with only the muffled coughs of skiving children to play on my ears. It was almost pitiable the low level of acting skills Hogwarts students had these days, not to mention the lack of imagination in their plans.

I let a little huff of laughter escape my lips, recalling a very specific occasion in my third year where I repeatedly smashed my face against a wall until my nose broke in order to get out of one very dull Divination lesson. Looking back on it now, I must have been blind not to see how Remus had felt for me, even then; remembering as he took me to the infirmary, on the brink of tears, telling me over and over how stupid I had been, and then sat beside me while it healed. A little smile flickered across my face to the memory, to the recollection of his warm finger brushing along the line of my nose as he sighed "You have such a beautiful face, why would you do something like that to it?" Indeed, my nose was never quite the same again, retaining a slight ridge from the break that made me look 'interesting and troubled' as James once put it.

I pushed my head back into my pillow, nuzzling my cheek against the softness. That must have been nearly 5 years ago now, so it wouldn't have been surprising if he didn't love me like that anymore – they say the chemical that is pulsed around our bodies when we fall in love is only produced for 6 years and suppose that time was almost up.

X

A dark, heavy fog lifted from my body, thinning out around me. At some point I must have fallen asleep in the well of thoughts that had raced my brain, though I never quite recalled closing my eyes.

"Please wake up," Remus whispered, his breath, his lips brushing against the back of my hand in bittersweet ecstasy. "I-I thought you'd died... I thought I wasn't quite fast enough... Just... Please just wake up..."

I felt my insides ignite with joy, burning through my body until a broad grin slipped across my mouth and opened my eyes. He leapt onto me, drawing my into a crushing hug I could not have predicted, leaving me deprived for air. It took some time for my limbs to respond, lost in his scent that even without a wash smelled so musty, interesting, euphoric that it made me want to clutch to him and never let go.

"Thank you," I whispered into his neck, unsure of whether I was speaking to him or my good fortune.

He held me back from him for a moment, eyes wild and slightly nervous as if he'd committed some heinous deed.

"I have to explain about Clabe... I was talking to him because, well, I saw him with Regulus... I saw him with your brother. I was going to break up with him... but I never thought that... I never dreamed-"

I pushed my lips into his, too tired to listen, too pleased to care, too troubled by my own faults to let him put himself down like that.

"I didn't want to live in a world where someone as wonderful as you wanted someone as terrible as him over me – he's a horrible human being who only ever had his interests at heart." I sighed, sheepishly averting my gaze. "And... well, I've done some god-awful things to you, things that I'll regret my every waking hour for the rest of my life. But I can tell you now, that if you even consider taking me back I will be nothing but your loyal slave for the rest of time. I will love you until the sun stops shining."

When I finally looked back at him, his eyes were brimming, dribbling down his face, a faint smile curving in the corners. I drew him once more into a warm hug, a vain attempt to console his worn heart, to stop the tears.

"Sirius... Siri, I'm sorry, so, so sorry... I tore us both to shreds. I don't deserve any of this, I know, but I'm a selfish bastard who will never let you go again. Please come back to me..."

"Of course," I answered.

At that moment I had been never more sure of anything in my life.

Then he went silent, startled looking, his chest ceasing to move.

"Breath, Remmie! Breath! I'm not losing you again!" I called, violently shaking him.

He gave a hug gasp, drawing himself back to the living world and then inspecting me with much grace.

"Excuse me. Why is he still in here? He looks fine!" He stated rather forcefully at the tired looking healer.

"Mr Lupin, I would thank you not to do my job for me."

"But he's fiiiiiine," he added more persistently. "He just needs to rest up in the dorm!"

"I don't quite think you're in the right position to dispute my patients' wellbeing. _Besides,_ I'm sure your sorts' definition of 'rest up in dorm' requires a lot more sex than mine does," she finished in quite a huff.

My mind went for a bit of a walk after that though, when he clambered onto of my lap, giving more of his groin in my face than I'd had in a long while. I stared downwards in fascination for a short while before he looked to me.

"Sirius, are you in pain?"

I frantically shook my head, drawing myself into him for a well needed love session with his neck. Surprisingly, he tasted better than I had remembered him, sure that Kaaleeb would have tainted him somehow. Though, my enjoyment was cut short by the impending eyes of a first year, that seemed to have 'rattled my cage,' so to speak.

"Hey, kid! Have you never seen two men in love before?" I snarled, giving him a dark look. "Just because we're the same sex doesn't make it any different!"

"That still standing, I would prefer it if you two were to stop. Please leave, Remus, it's not like you to be like this and I'd be glad it not to tarnish my memory of you for years to come," she sighed, severe disappointment hanging on her face.

"I'll leave if I can take my boyfriend with me."

"This is not a bartering mater! Leave now or I will be forced to call the headmaster!"

"Then call him! But I'm not moving and if I am, I'm taking Sirius with me!"

Dumbledore swept into the room, causing me to panic a little and clutch onto Remus as if he were the last thing in the world, afraid that if I parted from him now it would be the last time I ever saw him.

"Poppy, both of these young men have been through a hard night, would it not be wise to give Mr Black here a set of crutches and let him heal in his own time."

She gave a quite disdainful look at me and Rems, thrusting crutches at me and storming off to attend to her other patients.

Wow! I'd managed to make_ another_ enemy! I was going to end up more hated than Snivellus by then end of my time a Hogwarts – I could feel it.


	53. Chapter 53

**Present - In the previous chapter, Molly has a boggart.**

**Enjoy, review and recommend x**

* * *

I clambered over heaps and heaps suitcases and trunks, slipping and sliding from beneath my paws and clattering to the ground with loud clunks, not that you could hear it over my mother's screaming.

"Well on your own head be it!" called Molly in my direction, though I hadn't been listening what she said in the first place, so any warning the woman was trying to give me was of little use, if not worthless.

Before I got to the door, I handed Remus one final look back as he rounded the twins and the youngest Weasley, giving a brief sigh of relief that Nymphadora was in our group as opposed to his – I was _not_ going to have her jump him when I wasn't there – and then bounded through the front door into the delicate September air.

It was good to be free, or at least as free as my restrictions let me be, soaking in the sun and the freshness that encompassed my body. Granted, I would have preferred to be there with my fiancé, but our last attempt seemed to have been more of a disaster than anything and I certainly did not want to repeat it.

I ran about rather childishly for the coming 20 minutes before we entered King's Cross, loitering and carefully slipping through the wall for platform 9 and ¾. It had been a long while since it'd been here last, inhaling the comforting smell of the steam that still seemed to have retained the same magical feeling it had had the first time I stepped onto the train as nothing more than a boy, and the last time I'd stepped off as a developing man, hand in hand with the person I loved; the world that lay ahead of us unbeknownst to our fragile minds.

"Nice dog, Harry!" Broke me from my reminiscing to stare up at an odd looking boy with dread locks.

Despite the fact that he was admiring me as a dog as opposed to a man, I took a little pride in it, letting my tail wag from side to side as a show of my pleasure.

"Oh good, here's Alastor with the luggage," the old woman heaved as if some great trouble had been lifted from her shoulders, moving with Tonks to Moody's limping body.

He pulled the trolley full of trunks to a halt beside the group and huddled a little to talk in hushed voices, "All ok... I don't think we were followed..."

After Moody, the rest of the children scattered through in their groups – Arthur, Ron and Hermione and then Remus with the rest of the Weasleys. I trotted up to my fiancé, nuzzling my head into his leg in an overly affectionate way that caused Ron to give me a troubled glance and revieve a long winded explanation from Molly. Though in my defence, I had been lumbered with the miserable bitch for the last half hour and some loving care and affection was what I most needed.

"No trouble?" asked Mad-Eye in his low, gruff voice that, to be fair, I would rather not have had roughening my poor Remus's ears.

He gave a small smile and scratched the top of my head. "Nothing."

"I'll still be reporting Sturgis to Dumbledore. That's the second time he's not turned up in a week. The man's getting almost as unreliable as Mundungus," growled the auror, evoking gratifying laugh from my partner.

"Though, he hasn't quite ticked the box for the constant state of intoxication yet," he grinned, turning to the children and shaking their hands in sequence. "Well, look after yourselves. You too, Harry," he said, giving him a slap on the shoulder. "Be careful."

I pushed my head into Remus's leg once more, tired of listening to the dull goodbyes and itching for another of his all too wonderful back scratches. But he bent down and tilted his head to the side, going nowhere near me with his hands.

"Why don't you go and say farewell to Harry? You know, you probably won't be seeing him until Christmas time."

I bowed my head and did as he commanded, rising onto my hind legs and placing my paws on the boy's shoulders, though Molly pulled us apart and pushed Harry towards the train.

"For Heaven's sake, act more like a dog!" She called back to me through gritted teeth.

I contracted myself rather sheepishly and lowered my head to the ground, listening to the clatter of feet as what was left of the students rushed to the train. '_Act more like a dog_'? I was the doggiest dog dog in the history of dog! How could _I _act more like a dog?

The pistons gave a final hiss before the train began to chug slowly along the tracks.

"See you all!" Harry called to the group, waving and smiling.

I was ganna show that bitch. I was gonna show her good.

I scrambled to my feet, darting after the train as fast as my legs would take me so I caught up with his window. For a short while I was keeping up, though eventually it slipped away and turned a corner, sending me crashing me into a hard, stone wall – when you're that big and the floor is made of some kind of slippery stone, momentum tends to get the best of you.

Remus trudged over, shaking his head and smirking.

"And what did you think that would achieve?" He grinned, crouching down to talk to me. His hands ruffled about my neck and pulled to rub out foreheads together in a comfy, doggy smoosh, my face crumpled up in a mess of fluff. "You silly, little thing! If we weren't so engaged and I didn't love the regular Sirius Black so much, I might ask you to stay like this."


	54. Chapter 54

**Past - In the previous chapter Sirius gets all better-ish and back together with Remus**

**Enjoy, review and recommend x**

* * *

I hobbled into the library, the resounding click of crutches against stone following me wherever I went, dragging children from nonchalant conversations to stare at me as I passed and mutter half-arsed rumours between themselves. No part of me cared what they had to say anymore – I'd heard it all already, the current most popular being that I was attacking Kaadweeb and he threw me off in self defence.

Remus was slumped over the desk, hair spayed romantically about him, glittering, motionless, surrounded by stacks of books and loose sheets of paper like the delicate body of Ophelia floating in the reeds. I approached him, pulling out the chair to his side and lowering myself down to breathe in his ear.

"Remmie, honey, you still alive?" My nose nuzzled through layers of gold, pressing against the skin and giving it a slight peck. "I know this amount of time in the library can be near deadly but you seem to have built up a resistance. So please Rems, wake up before I'm forced to rape you."

He shivered a little as I added my teeth into the equation, a quiet groan slipping between his lips.

"I knew no library could kill you," I grinned, flinging an arm over his back and pulling him close.

His head rose, slow and tired looking, hair dangling over his face in a frightening demeanour, resembling some creature from the black lagoon. I would have been scared that he might eat my head, judging by the dark looks he was casting from behind the honey coloured veil, until he swept the loose strands to the side, revealing lines of his Ancient Runes essay printed about his face in an all too adorable fashion. I bit down on my lip, attempting to suppress the laughter that was now bubbling in the back of my throat.

"Moony, baby, you look like a kitten... You've got ink all over - on your nose and cheeks. Oh, c'mere," I smiled, licking my thumb and carefully rubbing at the script that scrawled about his face, loving on the delicate softness of his skin, the tender beauty of his every perfect, little scar.

His head pushed into my hand, caressing; each second of contact pulsing a warm splendour through my veins; each touch calling for more to make up for time lost. I leant toward him, bending and placing a soft kiss on his lips, savouring the taste and loosing myself in the moment.

It was only after a violent tongue forced into my mouth that I pulled back and gave him an acute smirk.

"Rems, we're in the library. If you want to start getting into that, dorm's just around the corner."

He cocked his head to the side and dreamily fingered at my face to which a dark smudge had transferred in the midst of our kiss. I couldn't help but watch him as he did so, learn his looks, his marks, keep track of every new anomaly that passed over his features. I knew he hated me staring, but I couldn't not look, I felt that if I didn't observe what was different every day there may have come a morning that I would wake up next to a man I could no longer recognise, that there would come a day I could no longer see the Remus Lupin I fell in love with on the surface of his skin. I lifted a hand and brushed along the most prominent scar on his face, sighing to myself. I was tired of these feelings, these worries and I knew that I should have simply been grateful that he was mine, but there was always a little niggling in the back of my mind convinced that if I didn't look now I might never have been able to look again. My fingertips slid down his arms and played over the surface of his hands, absorbing the freshest and recalling oldest.

He closed his eyes and took a deep breath. "Don't… Please…"

I released from him upon the worn quiver in his voice. As much as I felt obliged to track his scars, in order for me remember part of him had to remember too, and that was possibly more painful for him than any premonition I had crawling about my head.

I rose to my feet with the support of a crutch, gathering his supplies one-handed into a neat stack and passing them to him.

"Let's go. My book allergies are starting to play up."

Grabbing the second of the pair, I limped from the room, trying my best to keep up with Remus but ultimately failing. On more than one occasion I opened my mouth to tell him that he didn't have to be kept back by me, but he quickly dismissed it with a turn of his head and the stern, raised eyebrows that could only mean 'Don't even think about it.' Although that didn't stop him from every so often skipping ahead and turning, to walk backwards and beam at me.

Then, the ever so smug face of Caleb Brown approached from the distance and collided with Remus, sending his books, his parchment, his quills toppling onto floor and dousing them in thick black ink as the glass bottle smashed into shards.

"Oh, sorry. Didn't see you there. I was too distracted staring at the _cripple_," the Ravenclaw leered, moving his foot into Moony, in what looked surprisingly like a kick, and passing as if nothing had happened.

That man made my blood boil, after everything he'd done to Remus, hadn't it been enough?

I leant down and muttered, "I'm cold. Could you just rush and get my scarf from dorm?" waiting until my boyfriend had rounded the corner before I advanced on little shit.

He flicked me a patronising look, wiping imaginary tears from beneath his eyes as he writhed with laughter.

"Is this supposed to be threatening? What are _you_ going to do? You're pathetic, Black!" He spat, a wildness residing in the depths of his eyes, a glitter that spoke words only of the pleasure he got from this twisted hate. "You can't even look after him! You're a fucking _cripple_ for God's sake, do you think you can overpower me?"

I moved awkwardly backward, his face so close to mine I could almost taste the repugnance in his words.

"_Well_? Did they amputate your tongue as well, _cripple_?"

Without even thinking about it, I threw my fist at his face with a loud crack. At first I wasn't sure if I had broken my hand or his nose until a scarlet liquid dribbled over his upper lip and he smeared it across his face in a brassy streak.

"_That's_ for everything you've done to me!" I sneered and punched his stomach, hissing into his ear as his body concertinaed, "_that's_ for screwing my little brother!"

My mind crawled for another way to torture the arsehole, something painful, something that could possibly scar him for life, something that meant he'd never come near me or Remus for as long as he lived.

I thrust a crutch into his balls with as much force as I could muster, pushing him further into an awkward lurch. Though he didn't keel over, teeth gritted and eyes piercing.

"And _that_ is for everything you've ever done to hurt Remus!"

A sick laugh sliced from between his lips. "I hope you and that _man whore_ are happy together! He's truly amazing – you could beat him to a pulp and he'd still come dragging his sorry arse through the mud to crawl back into bed with you by the time the day's up. And I guess that's exactly what he did, isn't it?"

I could feel the rage penetrating my skin, burning my every limb, curling my fists into twitching red balls. I was sure I would have killed him had not Remus appeared and given him a painful thump, sending his tumbling backwards.

"If you ever come near either of us again, I will not only punch, but bite you the next time the full moon comes round!"

I shot him a weary glance, unsure that revealing his secret would prevent more trouble than it would cause.

His hand raised in line with the Ravenclaw's face, fiercely wielding his wand. "Obliviate!"

X

I let a quiet breath slip into the air above me, lying on my bed as Remus curled up beside me, placed his head on my chest and my fingers wove within the silk strands of his hair.

"If I hadn't fallen off the tower, do you think we'd be together now?" I hummed upwards in tranquil contemplation.

His lashes brush against my shirt in a slow, pensive blink.

"Most definitely. There are some things that I deem unforgiveable and he committed nearly all of them."

"And they are?"

He rolled on top of me, resting his head on crossed arms to gaze into my eyes as he spoke. "The way he treated you mostly, like that time we were all here – as in us and the Browns – he was absolutely terrible to you and it made me realise how wrong he felt and how right you did. It was just finding the right time to say it. You know how much I detest confrontation."

A slight smirk played on my lips. "You didn't seem too detesting today when you broke his face."

He shrugged. "I did it for the man I loved. Sometimes you have to do things you don't want to when you love someone. It'd do you some good to think about this next time you consider going off with someone else."

Something accusatory in his voice made me tilt my head up a little more and pass him a questioning look. "What _exactly _is that supposed to mean?"

"It's supposed to mean that if you cheat on me – his second fault- I won't refrain from leaving you. As much as I can't stand being without you, it might end up being for our own." He pulled his arms apart a little, turning his head to the side and snuggling into my chest. "You know... I never knew what I did wrong to him... how I pushed him away, what did it... he was a throbbing cock of a man but I would like answers..."

I soothingly rubbed his hair and kissed the top of his head, leaning back to close my eyes and listen to each tender breath that pushed from his lungs.


	55. Chapter 55

**Present - In the previous chapter Siri and Rems escort the children to Kings Cross**

**Enjoy, review and recommend x**

* * *

I stroked my hand about my chin and placed the razor beside the sink, turning to gaze from the window into the dreary, grey world beyond the walls of this house. Remus had been gone for 4 days, the children for 5, and almost every ounce of loving will and excitement had vacated itself from my body, leaving me as a disconsolate shell wandering about the house in the same day-to-day rhythms that occupied themselves in the lives of the dull. It seemed as if the world had begun sag around me, colours on the other side of the glass no longer jumped when I looked at them, no longer called to me whispering subtle words of freshness and freedom. The only thing that appeared to evoke even the most elusive of feelings was the giant bush that curved to one side of the pond in the park. It had been there since I was born, longer even, and I'd shared some of my best memories with it – my first friend, my first hide-and-seek game, my first kiss – now watching it brown and progressively begin to bear it's winding frame as the winter approached.

A faint sigh dribbled my lips, stepping into the shower cubicle and playing with the knobs. I hadn't bothered to close either of the doors – Molly was the only other person in the house bar Kreacher and she knew to use the downstairs bathroom. Besides, I'd decided that if I were to slip and fall, granted the ugly bitch and the house elf probably wouldn't help and might quite like to see me gone, I would _actually_ desire for someone to find my corpse before I began to leak bodily fluids into the room below.

I pushed my head under the shower, feeling the droplets beat against my back and trickle through my hair in streams, scented bubbles collecting at my feet from the soap I'd rubbed into my scalp. This way of living was so tiresome. What time I didn't spend worrying, I spent repeating the same tasks over and over until any flare or impulse for exhilaration had been wrought out by the empty hands of dullery. No doubt even when Remus had returned, we would work ourselves into another tedious pattern for the rest of the year until the children returned and I got another chance to play make-believe with my mini James Potter.

My fingers pulled from my side and toyed down the dark strands, twisting at the tips and willing water to well from the depths. I needed to cut my hair. If I couldn't change anything else, this would have to be it. It had already grown too long, barely retaining any flick or curve that had previously been so distinctive, merely weighed down by the sheer mass of the lot.

I heaved and rested against the cold tiles. How long would it be before Moons came back? An hour? A day? A week? A month? Part of me wish that he'd never come back, be pronounced dead - not out of spite or malice, simply because the vagueness in my head, the unremitting fear that pulsed my body was more unsettling than the knowledge itself.

A pair of arms wrapped around my waist and the slight lips of Remus Lupin pressed to my collar bone.

"Honey I'm home," he whispered into my ear, a gliding joy in his voice that tickled my insides, the whim to which had hauled him into the shower and drenched his clothes for the perks of a hug.

"I gathered."

He pulled me closer and nuzzled his head into my ear. "I've found her."

"Found who?"

"Found _her_, the one."

I let a hefty breath protrude the gap between my lips and turned to face him. "You've been gone for 4 days, Rems. I have no idea what happened in them but making jokes about falling in love with someone else really isn't funny."

He shook his head and laughed, pecking the end of my nose. "Her name is Tora Stuart. She's a friend of Tonks."

"Did you not just listen to what I said? _It isn't funny_. If you're going to be like this I-"

"Shut up and hear me through, will you?" He grinned, placing a finger on my lips. "I found out today... _and_..."

I gave him a cold look. I didn't like suspense. Especially when I didn't know what the suspense was for.

"... she's agreed to be a surrogate for us!"

"You what?" I slurred, somewhat dumbstruck.

"A surrogate. You know... Have our baby for us... Get pregnant with our child..."

"I'm not stupid, I – just – _wow_! I hadn't really thought it'd all be coming reality so soon..."

"Well it is!" He beamed, hugging my waist and gazing down to me. "And you'd thought I'd fallen for her. You know that I've only ever loved you."

I let a little grin flicker in my eyes. "I know that. I just thought you were making an insensitive joke."

"When have I ever tried? I'm too scared you'd up and leave if I did." He sighed, lifting a hand and nervously stroking his hairline.

"Oh, Moons..."

"Yeah, I'm insecure. Don't make a big thing about it."

I couldn't help but smile, the muscles of my cheeks fervently pulling, my insides glowing more than they had for what felt like decades, rising up a little and leaving him a soft kiss.

"I love you, Remus."

"I love you more, Snuffles."

A quiet smirk slid across my lips. "Nah, you don't."

"Yeah I do."

His hands grabbed my face before I could so much as think of a witty remark and locked our mouths. I didn't object, quite the opposite actually, pulling him in closer and sliding my hands up his shirt.

"I missed you too," he whispered, taking me by the wrist and dragging me from the bathroom.


	56. Chapter 56

**Past - In the previous chapter Sirius beats up Kaadweeb.**

**Enjoy, review and recommend x**

* * *

"Siri," Remus whispered into my ear, the warmness in his his words brushing the very insides of body, my mind, willing me to snuggle further into the duvet. "Sirius, we have to get up. We've got an exam in an hour."

I senselessly threw my hand about the covers, letting my fingers explore the surface of the sheets until they made sweet contact with his face, circling his lips and all his wonderful scars.

"Remmie, honey, shut up will you? We both know I'm going to fail."

"Well, maybe you should have _actually_ come to the lessons. But still, by no means am I letting you fail in life because you've skipped your exams. You're getting up, and you never know, you might just surprise yourself – that love potion you made was pretty effective and I think it's on the list."

I opened my eyes and stared groggily at his face for a short while, mind still lost in a deadened haze that clouded my vision and numbed my emotions. I was too tired to deal with this shit. Another 5 minutes would have done just fine, but he trudged away and came back with my uniform, giving me a look that was almost too kind to refuse.

"Here you go," he grinned, sitting beside as I stretched myself back into motion and sat up, gazing nervously to the other side of the room.

His hand stroked up my arm and pulled me into a tight hug, forehead resting on my shoulder as he breathed down my chest in tender pushes.

"You worried?"

A displeased groan slithered from between his lips.

"You shouldn't be," I grinned, cradling his face in my hands. "You're amazing."

He sighed and turned aside to gather his cloak. "Get those on, I'll be in the common room."

X

I shuffled down the stairs from dorm, dragging the top half of my body drowsily behind me, scraping it against the wall. Already the common room was filled with the familiar faces of 7th year Gryffindors preparing for their Potions exams with anything the could find, growing stacks of books and parchment littered about the room, making the journey to where Remus was stood quite a dangerous task for me and my one remaining crutch – I'd lost the other in a jousting match with James in which he had 'accidentally' thrown it out of our dorm's window in a losing rage and I had just been too lazy to get it back.

I hobbled up behind him, balancing myself on one foot to massage his arms and shoulders in an attempt to soothe whatever worry was building up within his delicate shell. As much as I wanted to collapse on top of him and give up with school life, I had to hold still and stay confident for him, with him. As of late I'd become less than what he could call a boyfriend, not because I didn't care – I did, I really, really did – but because I could not _physically_ be there for him when he needed it the most and when I had, I had worried him more than anything either of us could handle.

"You hungry?" I said, nuzzling my nose into the back of his hair. "We could send Peter down to the kitchens or get something from your little stash – if only I knew were that was."

He shook his head and looked further down to the flooring. "Not hungry..."

I drew his chin towards me and placed a forceful kiss between his lips, steadying him as he stumbled back. But he pushed away and gave me a harsh stare.

"I am _not_ in the mood, Sirius."

"Well you'd better get in the mood because _you_, my dearest love, need to calm down and _I _am going to be the one to make that happen."

"Don't you even thi-"

I cut him off, pressing my lips to his, savouring every slow movement of our mouths, sliding my hands up the back of his shirt and clutching to the warm, pale skin that resided beneath.

"Sirius," He breathed, pulling away a little, but I held him closer. "Sirius, Sirius, Sirius." He wrenched us apart once more, holding a cold look to my eyes, fingers grasping desperately at the surface of my uniform, wild tremors flexing about them. "We have to go."

I let a gentle smile dance about my lips and dragged him after me to the examination hall – I was sure if I didn't force him on his journey there he might have died of anxiety on the way.

He leant up against my side, head resting upon my shoulder and gazing into the horde of Potions students as they chatted amongst themselves and skipped off to their practical exams by the call of their names, clasping ever more ferociously to my hand as each parted from the corridor to the mystery that stood behind the dark wooden doors. I lifted my arm and ran my fingers through the lengths of his hair, tilting my head on top of his and removing the knots with the stretching of my hands.

"You going to be _fine_," I muttered down to him, pressing my nose to his parting. "Everything's going to be _absolutely spiffing_."

He shook his head against my collar bone and sighed. "But what if it _isn't_? What if my who life, all my career options are ruined by this one stupid test?"

"They wont be. Besides, you still have the written paper to go. They'll average it out even if you do a major screw-up on this."

"But what if I do a major screw-up on both! What then?"

I laughed to myself and rubbed my forehead to his. "Then I guess you'll have to marry Snivellus over there and make up for it"

"Don't even joke about that... I'd rather _die_!"

"Well, _technically-"_

Though my pep-talk was cut short by the bellow of "Sirius Orion Black" from across the hallway.

"Look, you're a stunning wizard. You'll so splendidly." I smiled, placing a kiss on his cheek and marching to the doors.

If he were to fail, well, I guess that I'd just have had to do twice as badly as I naturally would have done, just to make up for it.


	57. Chapter 57

**Present - In the previous chapter Sirius and Remus find out that there is a woman willing to surrogate for them.**

**Enjoy, review and recommend x**

* * *

I glared at the mirror, watching the face on the other side of the glass glare back at me and fiddle with his shirt buttons, wondering whether I should pretend that I _wasn't_ one sexy, gorgeous, amazing, pretentious arsehole or if I might as well have let the whole thing rip.

"Keep them closed," Remus sighed, pacing over and placing his chin upon my head. "It looks more presentable."

"I'll suffocate, you know. Never used to be able to cope with the top button on the shirts for Hogwarts."

"Well we're not wearing the shirts for Hogwarts. If you really think it'll kill you, keep the top two undone. But I don't want your nipples hanging out for the woman who might be bearing our child."

I tilted my head back to gaze up his nostrils, stroking a hand down his face. "You're beautiful, Rems."

"Haven't heard that one in a while." A quiet laugh penetrated his lips and then his face fell flat. "..._I really_ _haven't_... Have I gotten old and ugly, Siri? I know I wasn't very pretty in the first place but..."

I spun on my foot and gabbed his shoulders, staring him dead in the eye. "No! _No_! _Of course not_! Why would you think such a thing? Moony, honey, you're still as stunning as you ever were."

"I've just been thinking... about things... about us..." His forehead dropped onto my shoulder with a faint thud, shaking against the fabric of my shirt. "I see the way you look at Harry, like he's some kind of delicious meal, how you take his letters and reply to them in secret – like you did yesterday. It worries me. We're having this baby and I'm scared that we're not going to last the rest of the year, let alone the rest of the child's life." He glanced up to me, tears welling in the pits of his eyes and threatening to run down his face. "You don't know how terrifying this is – I'm frightened that you'll just up and leave like you did the morning before you went to Azkaban... I didn't even get to say goodbye..."

My arms reached around his neck and I pulled him into my chest. "Where did all that just come from? I wouldn't do that – this ring is a promise and a promise I am not willing to break. You're worried about the baby and you're letting this fear slip into other realms that it shouldn't be in. And with regards to Harry I just thought I'd seen a little flicker of James in him though it turns out I was wrong."

He lifted his head and heaved, fingers playing through the winding lengths of my hair. "So what are we going to do with this?"

"Tie it up, I suppose. Maybe like we did before..."

"It's gotten a bit long for that, don't you think? We might be wrap it round itself in a sort of loose bun."

I smirked, raising my eyebrows and shaking my head at him. "If you want me to look like a female Librarian, go ahead."

"Ok, ok... just keep it up in a ponytail but don't come weeping to me when she disapproves," he chuckled and removed his hand from my hair to straighten my collar.

"She can't disapprove. It's us - no one can disapprove of us!"

X

We positioned ourselves outside flat number 51, Remus clutching desperately at my hand as if his sweet life depended on it and listening to the approaching thud of feet from within the walls of the house. The door clicked with a sliding hiss of bolts and chains, then opening onto Tonks' brightly haired head, beaming and beaconing us inwards.

"You're early. We weren't sure if it was going to be you. Did you get here fine? Nothing suspicious?"

Remus smiled, sending a faint flutter of rose across the girls face. "No, we apparated – I don't think anybody saw us."

"Follow me, we're in here." In a swirl of bubblegum, she skipped from the hall into a doorway on the right.

I turned to face my fiancé and grinned, giving him time to inhale, to pace over this in his head before we entered. "Ready?"

He squeezed my hand and nodded. "Ready."

What I assumed to be Tora Stuarts was perched on the sofa, gazing dreamily towards us over the top of a Quibbler; eyes a bright, wandering green with the careful smile of any Mary Sue.

"Hello there," she sung. "You look very different to what I imagined you – I thought you'd be more camp..."

I glared at Remus, asking for permission to take offence at the woman, but he shook his head and whispered, "Look at her, she was clearly in Hufflepuff, we cant blame her."

"Ok, we're leaving. I refuse to have a child who has even the slightest chance of being a Hufflepuff."

He merely laughed and dragged me to a seat, keeping his hand attached to mine so I couldn't run away.

"I wasn't even joking," I groaned and gave the girl a cold glower.

For an awkward moment, well all sat staring at each other, the loudest sounds being the creaks and whines of the chairs as we shuffled.

"_So_," Remus hummed, looking upward from his hands to Tora's face. "How's this going to work? I suppose you know more of it from the fact that you've offered."

"Well, I've been talking within the ministry and it appears rather simple, especially seen as we're doing this privately. Firstly, I think I need one of yours semen," she muttered, looking between us.

He motioned a thumb to me. "That'd be his job."

She smiled in my direction, "Will we be having sex then?"

"I don't see why n-"

My fiancé's elbow thrust into my stomach.

"No... we can do it with swabs and stuff," I managed to wheeze out before curling up into a ball.

"Ok. But before we do anything, I think there are some contracts that need to be drafted out, things we require of each other during the pregnancy period. You should do that at home so you have time to run over what you want to do. After that, there's nothing else until the birth."

Remus' hand crushed around mine and pulled me inward. "We're going to have a baby!"

I let a faint smile spread my face. "I know, Remmie, I know."

Tonks stood and tottered to the door, "Tea or coffee, anybody?"

"I think I will," Moony grinned, unlocking our fingers and shuffling to the Auror. "Sirius, why don't you talk with Tora for a moment."

I grumbled to myself, eyes fixed on the door frame, staring longingly to the space where my fiancé had been.

"I know who you are," the young woman whispered to me from her spot on the sofa.

"Of course you do," I laughed nervously, tapping a finger on my leg. "Nymphadora must've said."

"Yes, she did. But I know who you _really_ are. I've seen your face on the posters – I know those eyes."

"You must be mixing me up with someone else."

"No, I know it's you. You're Sirius Black, aren't you?"

I gawked at her, almost literally shitting myself. "No," my voice choked, quivering, "_I don't think I am_."

"Then you are obviously mistaken. I was 14 when you got taken to Azkaban. I remember reading The Daily Prophet, the one which had an article about your Remus Lupin in it – 'A View From The Inside' I think it was called – I thought it was beautiful and there this one part where he said" - she pulled a small newspaper clipping from her pocket - "'It was terrible to find it all out, to find out the man that I've spent the best parts of my life loving was a murderer. At first I didn't want to believe it, but there was all this evidence, things I could not deny by simply saying that he just wasn't like that because part of me knew that sometimes he was. From time to time it hits down very hard, when I'm alone in bed at night, I realise I've never loved anybody as much as I loved him, I'm sure I never will, and the saddest part is that after all that he has done, whenever he sends me a letter, the part that isn't angry at him actually smiles and aches and wants him back." She folded the crumpled piece of paper back up and returned it to where it had come.

"That doesn't prove anything, is it completely impossible to rule out the idea that he's fallen in love again?"

"That isn't the voice of a man who can change his feelings. And if you aren't actually Sirius, I am very sorry, because he seems to be using you," she sighed.

"...Aren't you going to arrest me then?"

"If you were guilty, I'm sure Harry Potter would be dead by now. Besides, anybody who wants a little baby can't be bad." A broad smile spread her lips, turning to face the door as Tonks and Remus entered once more.

"Everything ok, guys?"

"Everything's fine, Remmie. I'm pretty sure she's a Ravenclaw!"


	58. Chapter 58

**Past - In the previous chapter, they take their exams? Yeah I'm going to go with that.**

**Enjoy, review and recommend x**

**P.s I am quite aware that this chapter is shit and sounds unfinished but sadly, all the fucks I have to give for this story decided to go on holiday this week and I have yet to receive information as to when they are scheduled to return.**

* * *

I lay strewn across an armchair, watching Remus as he paced the common room, pinching his lip and twiddling it between his thumb and forefinger. I knew he was nervous, we all knew he was nervous - he'd spent the whole night tossing and turning, constant slurs of worry dribbling from his half-concious mind. And in turn, I had spent the whole night worrying for him, the words 'I understand' no longer holding any surface against his troubles and his 'time of the month' growing ever nearer.

I lifted an arm from my stomach and limply brushed a finger against the back of his hand, gazing after him as he passed and eventually returned. Then, with a tug, I pulled his fair frame on top of me.

"Remmie, honey, relax," I said through a comforting smile, sliding my hands up his legs and kissing his neck. "How about we open up my results first? So that when we see yours you'll look like a fucking genius!"

"How in Merlin's name is that supposed to work?" he sighed, trapping my hands against his thighs for a moment before they one more broke free and travelled up to massage the groin of his trousers.

A faint shiver pulsed his body, drawing a grin to my lips.

"I don't know. But I was think that we have an hour and the dorm's empty, maybe we could-"

"No!"

"What? But I was going to say we could have a bit of a chat about what we want to do after Hogwarts - how we're going to meet up and the likes."

He raised an eyebrow and looked down to me with eyes of frightful disparaging, "No you weren't. You were going to say: 'and we haven't had a good, long shag in ages.' Sirius, I've know you for 7 years. You never want to talk about your feelings unless you're reaching a climax and shouting it in my ear, and you never want to talk about your plans unless it is for a decent prank."

"Okay, you got me," I chuckled, "but at least you agree. I'm a teenage man, Moons, and I have needs. Needs that should be fulfilled by the wonderful boyfriend that's sitting on top of me right now. I ordered a 5-star haute cuisine and you've just given me an out-of-date ready meal for one."

His head rested on my shoulder, creating a delicate veil between his face and mine, willing the occasional flicker of a smile to peep from between the swaying gaps. "So I'm out-of-date am I?"

"If it'll get me laid," I beamed, blowing kisses down his collar and watching as the hairs on his neck rose into faint spikes from his skin.

We sat in that position for a comfortable few minutes, waiting, wondering, listening to one another's soft breaths as they rippled down the surface of my shirt, before he seized his hair into a fist and awkwardly rose his head.

"My hair is way too long," he heaved, twisting his fingers along the lengths as I watched sunlight glitter over it and glare a flutter of warm golds to my eyes.

I simply laughed back at him, lifting his hands and swinging them cheerfully from side to side. Though he still seemed somewhat downtrodden, as if part of his mind were wandering elsewhere, as if he were lacking in some emotion, or overpowering sensation, which would relinquish his regular form. And, much to my dismay, he slipped from my grasp and resumed to pace the room wearing the same worn, torturing expression on his face, calling once more my eyes to rest their gaze upon him as he moved to and fro down some invisible line.

"Pacing isn't helping anything," I sighed, snatching him from the spot and holding him tight to me as to prevent him from escaping. "You might as well be sitting here keeping my lap warm and my hands busy. Remus, trust me, you'll be _fine_."

"And what if I fail?" He heaved, touching our noses and grazing his lips against mine for little more than moment.

"Then I'll take you in an support you for the rest of my life. Now shut up, stop worrying and kiss me properly."

X

I traced Remus's footsteps back to dorm, pulling my hand behind myself as I rose the stairs, and feeling the faint tingle that spread the tips of my fingers. 'I'll see you tomorrow, or maybe at my funeral when I die a lonely tramp on the streets.' It still baffled me as to how his mind worked, how he could convert 3 Os, 1 E and 2 As into complete failure - he might as well have been a Japanese puzzle box for all I could get out of him.

I gave a faint rap on the dorm door and cautiously opened it, peering round to rest my eyes on his body as it sprawled across the floor, emitting wild groans and banging its head against the carpet.

"Rems, honey, please don't be like this, you did amazingly. If you're really worried we can kill my parents and you can live off me."

He shook his head, ruffling his hair into a giant mass, but otherwise stayed motionless.

"Look," I growled, heaving his corpse up by the shoulders and flipping him to face me, "I'm sick of this. You are going to sit up and appreciate the results you got because they are amazing!"

He merely gave me an ice-cold glower as if I were in the wrong, very much resembling that of a spoilt child, and continued to glower until I reached my wit's end and slapped him hard across the face, leaving a pale white hand mark on his cheek and a slightly startled looking expression on his face.

"What was that for?"

I flicked him a scrutinising look. "You done pissing about?"

"I think so," he chuckled, snuggling further into my chest and gracefully receiving my lips wherever I sought to place them.


	59. Chapter 59

**Present - In the previous chapter Sirius and Remus meet Tora Stuarts.**

**Enjoy, review and recommend x**

**I think I have returned to the writing mood, so this may not be as painful as the last. Although, the next will be death, I assure you - for it was my turn to start on the even chapters and I was very pushed, bored and tired.**

* * *

_Dearest Remus,_

_I hope you are well and sitting down. I don't quite know how to tell you darling, but your father died from Dragon Pox last night. Had he asked for you, I would have sent word, but he never mentioned a want to see you one last time. I have always felt he blamed himself for your condition and never quite accepted you, but now he is gone and I hope you can see it in your heart to attend the funeral or at least forgive him for his mistakes. I would love to see you and perhaps you could bring along any partner you may be with. We haven't spoken in so long I hardly know you and, with your father's passing, I think there would be no better time to get in touch again._

_Hope to see you soon,_

_Mum x x_

X

Remus grabbed at my scruff and pulled me into the green flames that licked from the hearth of 12 Grimmauld Place. Despite my upbringing in a purely magical family, something about throwing oneself headlong into a blazing fire disconcerted me – general human instinct, one might call it – and such feeling liked to intervene in moments of these sorts, before a greater force, being Remus or Reason, threw me into it without hesitation. And so I was wrenched, spinning, into the floo network, dim flashes of light flickering by from passing fireplaces, my fiancé's hand still gripping firmly to the back of my neck and preventing me from slipping away to some unknown destination as I battered about the tunnels, ungainly and awkward as any other four legged mammal when caught in the floo.

Soon enough, well beaten as I was, we were regurgitated upon his mother's carpet with a hand full of soot. The room was empty of any signs of Helen, for all but the delicate hums of song dancing from the kitchen and the ever intoxicating scent of her baking. In almost 14 years it had barely changed: the books were still immaculately lined in alphabetical order; above the mantelpiece still stood pictures of Remus, of us, of the happy bride; biscuits still lay in a clean arrangement upon the tea table as if constantly expecting royalty; all still perfectly captured, though the colour somewhat dampened over time, like the haze of a distant dream. Be that as it may, there was in fact, one very large chunk missing from the picture, being that of the stout body of Mr. Lupin huddled in the arm chair, glaring with curled lips atop his news paper and muttering in low tones. If I was to be honest, he may have been the sole being of whom I was afraid – he was certainly an intimidating man, standing at very least half a foot taller than me, but even more so that, at some point in time, however short it may have been, he had the key to my happiness, my everything: if I were to ask Remus round, on his answer I would be waiting; if Mrs. Lupin were to invite me in, on his acceptance it would be; if I were to walk Remus home and request a goodnight kiss, on his decision it would come, lest I reap the consequences of my impulse.

"Remus, darling," Helen beamed, meeting her son with a warm embrace and leading him unto the sofa. "It's been too long, you haven't forgotten about your mummy, have you? How have you been?"

"I've been good, I suppose... sorry about Dad..." he muttered, reaching down to scratch the fur on my underside.

"Oh, you don't need to be sorry, it's happened and we can't help that – life goes on. Now," she smiled, taking his hands and shuffling closer, "I've put the kettle on and you are going to tell me _everything."_

Remus stared at her nervously for a moment, gaze stiff and unwavering, locked upon the glistening blue of her eyes. Then, so quiet it was almost inaudible, a faint sigh penetrated his lips and his brow furrowed, flicking an anxious look across the room.

"Well, mum, I don't know what I should say... erm... you probably know Sirius escaped..."

Helen's face fell, or rather, her smile was left a vacant shell, no longer glowing with hope and great expectations of happiness, but awkwardly cast in form by the strings of toil.

"Oh, yes, are you ok? He hasn't come for you, has he?" Her eyes dawned into a scrutinising glare, _"You_ haven't gone looking for _him,_ have you? I can see it, it's _just_ the sort of thing you'd do... No, no - I'm being stupid. I still can't believe it, though, he was such a nice young man."

He bit his lip. "Um, mum, me and Sirius are back together... and he's innocent – _I swear it_. He was framed! I know everything! He didn't do it!"

A sympathetic smile curled Mrs. Lupin's lips, pulling her hand from his and fiddling with the fine strings of his hair.

"You silly you. Stop messing about: you're giving your mother palpitations."

"I'm not joking! I _know_ he didn't-"

"Now, Remus," she interrupted, cupping is face, "I know you've always loved him – to some extent I did too – but you need to know what's best for you. It's coming close to your time of the month, you've always been a bit temperamental around this time, perhaps it's just a delusion, your wishes coming to life because you're in a bad state."

He opened his mouth to protest, but she squeezed it shut.

"God, I wish your father were here – he would smack some sense into you," she sighed. "And if Sirius isn't part of your imagination, then he's obviously led you to believe some wild story because he knows you will."

At this point, I stood and wandered into the kitchen – I rathered not to be insulted in front of my very nose - albeit, I still kept my ear cocked behind me in case of some interesting gossip I might like to divulge in.

"No he hasn't! I've seen the proof: one of the people he supposedly killed is _alive_ and he's the one that did it!"

I slipped back into my normal skin and explored the kitchen, wiping my finger around the edge of the mixing bowl and savouring the taste of the raw cake mixture.

"And who is that?"

"Peter Pettigrew," I growled, stepping back to the lounge with a air of ignorance in my stride.

Remus passed me a gracious smiled, pacing over and placing an arm about my waist. "Sirius isn't a death eater and didn't give up Lily and James to The Dark Lord: it was Peter all along."

"What else?" his mother chuckled, "that can't be it after all this time."

A broad grin flourished my fiancé's face and he drew his mother into welcoming arms. "You're going to be a Grandmother."


	60. Chapter 60

**Past - In the previous chapter the exam results are received.**

**Enjoy, review and recommend x**

* * *

I placed the plastic bag down on the floor with a faint thud and grinned to my fellow marauders. It had been a fair struggle getting it past the teachers on the way back into the school due to the fact it had 'sex' scrawled all over it in bright, flashing letters and was a glaring red that could most likely blind, given opportunity. James turned to face me, a broad smile playing across his lips.

"We all set for tomorrow then?" He smirked, diving into the bag and pulling from the depths a pair of baby pink underpants with the word 'angel' encrusted in diamonds on the arse that evoked a more than quizzical look.

A shy cough erupted from Remus' throat and he beaconed a quaint hand to them. "I believe those are mine."

Peter laughed, "What are you going as then?"

"Merlin knows... but probably James' bitch like everyone else," he chuckled, fingering the handiwork.

"Everyone else? But I thought that I was gonna go as Dumbledore!"

"Oh, Wormy, about that:" I sneered, clapping him on the shoulder, "your proposal was overruled."

"What? That's unfair! Moony, tell them that's unfair!"

"I'm sorry, Peter, but the Pimp Master and the Head Bitch's words are final. I am in no place to challenge them."

Wormtail slumped back into the bedpost, lip curled and looking positively sullen, or he would have at least, had he not hit his head in the motion and ended up writhing on the floor in pain to the amusement of everybody in the room.

"Oh, I forgot you ask, how's my cane coming along?" James inquired, continuing to rifle through the bag. "Because it doesn't seem to be in here."

"Fabes is on it as we speak. He might even have it already - I told him to meet us outside the common room."

"What? Is everything ok with you two then?"

"Why wouldn't it be?" I chuckled, "Who do you think tried on all this for you because it wasn't me – you're a midget!"

"I swear you've got selective autism," he sighed, standing and making for the door. "By the way, Lily said she's ready for you, when you want to come."

X

I gave a long, cold glare to the horror that lay below me - my old foe, the stairs to the girl's dorm. I'd spent the past half-hour trying to persuade the female population of Gryffindor to carry me up them, though most of them politely declined and the ones that didn't were later persuaded against it by the influences of their elders, leaving me to climb, as I was this instant, like some kind of retard, 4 legged spider, or of that sort, pushing against the walls either side of me and shuffling forwards at no alarming rate.

"LIIIIIILLLLLLYYYYYY!" I bellowed, carefully manoeuvring myself into a small alcove that lay dug to one side of the stairwell. "LIIIILLLLLYYYY EEEEEEVVVVVVAAAANNNS!"

The faint click of a lock echoed down to greet me. "Oh dear Lord, what have you done?"

"Come to get my legs waxed."

"I can see that," the redhead laughed, craning her neck round the bend to get a better look at me. "Look, if you go to the next door up we can probably reach out and pull you in."

I groaned, awkwardly clambering from the windowsill and shuffling up the the walls of the staircase once more until I reached the inclination in which the said door stood and was heaved over the gap by a herd of girls.

"Thanks for the audience, Lils," I chuckled, gazing round at the near stuffed room.

A smirk adorned her face and she gave a delicate bow, "It was my pleasure. Who'd have thought so many people wanted to see you cry?"

I shook my head and turned to the door, "By the way, someone needs to go collect Remus – he's still waiting at the bottom."

"Already on it – you remember that girl that came sliding between your legs on the way up? Well she's going to fly him up here. She was coming to collect you as well but you decided to take it into your own hands."

"Well," I grinned, tousling my hair, "it means I can proudly say that I, Sirius Orion Black, have outwitted Dumbledore. Which makes me more awesome than all of you!"

She shook her head, walking to the door and opening it to reveal a short blonde witch and my wonderful Remus Lupin standing on the step and clutching precariously to the door frame.

"We all set then?" she beamed, grabbing a box of wax strips from her bed and giving me a dark grin – clearly, she'd wanted to hurt me for a while.

What I experienced henceforth _**was**_ _**like hell on this earth**_, as if Mordor was erected in neat strips starting on my right calf and making it's fiery way across my body. How women endured this, I could not understand – I'd spent the most part of the process staring down on the work in progress with watery eyes, checking to see if they'd quite peeled me like an orange yet and expecting my legs to be bloodied and bearing the muscle below, though much to my relief, such was not the case.

Remus, on the other hand, had a much more efficient pain threshold, which I can only assume was due, in part, to the fact he tore himself apart every month and the other vital point that he, despite his general appearance, was much less of a 'pussy' than me.

He leant over, nuzzling himself into my cheek and grinning. "You know... If your arse is going to be bare... we're gonna need to wax that... and we might as well do the rest while we're at it... and by 'we', I mean 'I'."

I glared at him. "It's going to rip my testicles off, I can feel it."

"Oh, come on," he beamed, wrapping himself around me and brushing his lips against mine. "I'll kiss it better _and_ I'll let you do it to me too."

For a moment, I gave him a scrutinizing look, letting a faint smirk pass my face. "I don't know who fed you love potion, Rems, but I like it. Now, if you don't mind, could you remove these girls from the room?"

"You're not shagging in my dorm!" Lily growled, grabbing the werewolf by the shoulders and peeling him off me like a piece of sellotape. "Honestly, Moony, and I thought you were the responsible one."

"I am, I am," he yelled, clutching desperately to my back. "I just want to wax him! He has a hairy bum! I don't want to hurt these young girls' eyes!"

"Lily, you know he has his best intentions at heart."

The redhead scowled at us, releasing herself from him. "If even one of these girls sees _anything _you're getting the blame."

"Ok, ok..." I laughed, "but just imagine how awesome we're going to look when we make our grand entrance tomorrow."

She shook her head an ushered the girls from the room. "I'm being serious – if anything happens you will get the blame," she reasoned, closing the door behind herself.


	61. Chapter 61

**Ha ha, it's been a while. And haven't you missed us while I was too lazy and work encompassed to finish this chapter? No? I didn't expect so.**

**Present - They go to see Remus' mahmmy.**

******Enjoy, review and recommend x**

* * *

Morning came with a thud, a crash and the oh so uncomfortable feeling of Remus peeling himself from my chest and staggering out into the frosty December air. To no great surprise, the sun had barely risen – it was in a constant state of 'barely risen' around this time of the year and would still have been at about 3 in the afternoon, at which point, it would begin to set again – and, though the sky now began to show flickers of a shrill, wintry blue, it wasn't much cause for celebration.

My fiancé, who was currently on the other side of the room, appeared to be wrestling with the small, sliding window I'd so endeavoured to keep shut over the past few days for the sake of keeping the blood in our veins flowing. He grunted and strained and managed to rattle the frame upwards just enough for the room to fill with concentrated outdoors and a little grey owl to wiggle through the gap. Two yellow eyes, that had clearly outgrown the head, scanned the room and brought their scrutinising attention to my morning-face as it shook the snow from its feathers, before reaching under itself for a letter that had been tied with ribbon around its waist and addressed to a certain Remus Lupin. Something about the hand it had been written in radiated a warm familiarity, though the messenger seemed to be attempting to burn that notion out of my mind with a cold, unforgiving glare.

"It's a letter..." Remus uttered, maintaining a curious gaze upon the surface envelope as he returned to the bed. "I wasn't _expecting_ a letter... You weren't, were you?"

His eyes drifted over to me – and my thirty bed-chins, no doubt. "I'm never _expecting_anything, Moons. So just get on with it – it's not gonna eat you."

He tore the seal and pulled a thin piece of paper from its packaging. Then the room died. He didn't speak. I didn't speak. And I waited, in utter silence, possibly without breathing – I knew he wasn't – listening to the birds in the trees and the cars in the snow and the clink and the clunk of breakfast below us. Maybe it was Tora, the thought had crossed my mind more than a thousand times since we'd last met up with her, and I'd been wishing and praying for good news for a long while now. Yes, yes, maybe it _was_ Tora, maybe there _was_ a baby, and maybe that baby was _ours._

Remus dropped the letter on the duvet and crawled back over.

"Hmm, Remmie?" I mumbled as he placed a sloppy kiss on my cheek and snuggled further into me.

"Nothing... you smell delicious, you know that?" He nuzzled his face into my chest. "Oh, and Fabes wrote."

I cocked my head to one side. And then it dawned on me. How could I have forgotten about _Fabes_? He was _Fabes_! He was my backup James! He was the fifth Marauder that they forgot to write into the Bible!

"Oh, really, _Fabes_? And here I thought you were just staring at a blank piece of parchment."

He shook his head at me and waved an envelope, that was much smaller in cubic capacity than the one before but somehow still managed to hold the same enthralling prospect in its wake, in front of my face.

X

And the winner for the longest hide and seek game goes to:

THE PADSTER

People still call you that, right? Whatever. It's been a long time, things change. But as they say: 'once you go Black you never go back.'

Though I do have news for you. Good news... Bad news... I don't know... I can't really say that it's good news because it sort of goes against everything you taught me through my youth. And I can tell you're probably already guessing, but don't – it'll ruin the disappointment when I get to show you.

Loves and kisses from the Ex-Cuddlemuffin.

X

I rested the letter back on the bed and bit the inside of my cheek.

"I'm not going to be able to see him, am I?"

Remus' gaze flickered about the room. "Well-"

"The Ministry's upping their search and they know that I'm an animagus. So bluntly, I'm not going to be able to see him."

He drew me into a tight hug and pecked the top of my head, muttering something ridiculous about using the floo network.

"You naïve moonbeam, do you understand where the floo network goes? Or how it's monitored? We might as well just take me up and hand me in right now," I sighed.

Then he stood, spreading a strong smile across his face, and muttered "I'm going to find Peter."


	62. Chapter 62

**Past - Preparation for the last day of Hogwarts.**

******Enjoy, review and recommend x**

******P.s. This is the same day as the last chapter, in case you were confused.**

* * *

Remus glared at me, sitting cross legged on his bed and wrapping himself around the posts; eyes hard and cold, evident traces of angry tears glistening in streaks down his face and glowing red about his eye sockets.

"Where have you been? It's been over an hour since you cut my hair and left..." he heaved, running his hand down the dark wood. "You're cheating on me again, aren't you?"

I shook my head and turned away.

"And where's the map? You had it when you left... you've lost it, haven't you?" He closed his eyes and slumped back into the cushions. "Ugh, I can't be bothered with this."

"You're too nervous, Moons," I laughed, sauntering over. "I didn't _lose_ it – Filch _took_ it."

He resumed his glare. "You're a terrible boyfriend, Siri."

"And you're a terrible liar. Now come on, I have something to show you."

A short moment passed when his hand quivered beside him, then he placed it firmly in mine and wrenched a tired smile across his face. "Please tell me you haven't killed someone and left their dead body in the woods."

"Aw, damn! You caught me out," I smirked, nuzzling my cheek to his. "Don't peep."

The common room was quiet as we entered; few people were still out of bed and those that were were mostly occupied with long letters written to their families and having hushed discussions around the fire place. To my great relief, the window was still slightly ajar, billows of sheets dangling downward to the grassy foot of the Gryffindor tower from their spot weaving around the legs and bodies of various pieces of furniture throughout the room, as me and James had fixed them an hour before.

I squeezed his hand, pulling us both on top of the window ledge. "You're not looking are you?"

"No."

"Good," I mumbled, "Because you're going to kill me when you do."

"What?"

"Nothing, just hold onto me as tight as you possibly can and don't let go."

I lifted the fabric and wrapped it in a loop round our waists, moving ever closer to the drop.

"This isn't something stupid and possibly life threatening, is it?" he hummed into my ear. "Like abseiling off the side of the Gryffindor tower with no precautionary methods of safety?"

"Nope," I beamed lowering us out of the window.

"This feels strangely _like_ abseiling off the side of the Gryffindor tower with no precautionary methods of safety..."

"Well it's not, so keep your eyes closed and wait till I'm finished."

I shuffled slowly downwards, hands entangled in the sheets, gripping and loosening when necessary, and feet pushing firmly against the stone. Before we had even reached the half way mark, Remus dug his nails into my chest and clung to me as if the world were about to end.

"Sirius. Black. Stop. _Right._ Now."

I pulled to a halt and gritted my teeth. "You looked, didn't you?"

"Why are we abseiling off the Gryffindor tower?"

"...We're not...?" I muttered, gazing to the far corner of my vision where a golden flick of his hair was only just apparent, swaying in the wind.

For a short while, he didn't say anything, breathing quietly into my ear and holding tight onto me. Then a quiet sigh penetrated his lips and he untangled himself from me a little.

"Do you know what abseiling _is_, Sirius?"

I bit my lip and scanned my vocabulary. "Abs-sailing... abs-sailing... has it got something to do with... sailing... with no shirt on?"

"Sirius Orion Black, if we survive this, I am going to _kill_ you!"

"Look, we will both get to the bottom perfectly intact."

"But our relationship might not do," he grunted behind me.

Remus was first to touch the ground, instantly fighting his way from his bindings and smacking me over the head as tried to disencumber myself from the fabric.

"You're a bastard, Siri!" He yelled, battering me as I turned to hold him, "How are we going to get back up now? Why are we even down here?"

"Well, if you just close you-"

"No. For all I know, you're going to lead me to a pack of wolves so I'll die and you can elope with someone cooler and more handsome."

I pulled him into a warm hug, ignoring his struggles, and leant into his hair. "Why would I want to kill something as soft and cuddly as you. We've already established that I'd die without my wonderful Remus Lupin around."

He turned his head away and sighed. "You could've changed your mind..."

"And why would I do that?" I smiled, "just trust me, you don't even have to close your eyes if you don't want to."

I took his hand once more, leading him through the long, swaying grass and round the tower to the tree that stood alone at the top of the slope. It had taken me a painful few hours to prepare and cost me the Marauder's Map, but I was sure that look on my darling's face when he saw it would be worth the world if that was all I had to give. As we drew closer, the faint glow of candles became ever more apparent, suspended in little clusters from the branches of the trees and illuminating with rich, golden light the splendid green of the summer leafs. Remus' hand tightened around mine, warm and soft, losing the drag he'd forced upon me earlier and almost walking on level with me.

"Siri," he whispered, freeing himself to dance upon the chequered picnic mat, "Did you do do this? Really? Honestly? All by yourself?"

I let a faint smile rest upon my lips and nodded, "Well, not _all_ of it: James helped a bit and the house elves brought the food. But otherwise..."

He sprung into my arms, lifting himself over my head and beaming down like a rogue moon unto my awaiting features, before he touched back to earth and dragged me to a seat. He sat, for a while after, in utter silence; mouth, nostrils lost and still, barely alluding to the quietest of breaths; eyes fixed upon the glittering stars and tracing with the most delicate of touches Perseus, Horologium, Lupus – the last solemnly quivering upon his fingertips.

"They're all so bright tonight," he muttered, enclosing his hand around the moon, "so bright. It's like we're next to them... _in_ them."

I rolled my head to his, watching the candlelight flicker about his face. "Then make a wish – maybe they'll hear you this time."

His eyes rolled shut and he mouthed something soft and restful into the air above him.

"What did you ask for?" I murmured, meeting his gentle gaze.

He enclosed his hand about mine and smiled. "If I told you, it wouldn't come true now, would it?"

* * *

**Ok...**

**As some of you may have noticed, this story has effectively come to a stand still for me, so I'm just putting this here to inform you that I won't be writing this anymore as I have so much work to get done currently it's like death. **

**Andraste's gonna keep her side going for the time being and I may continue with her again once the work load has dried up a bit.**

**I'm still happy for people to send me reviews and messages and I'll try to answer to the questions and comments as soon as possible.**

**Lex**

**x**


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